As I read the words of each of my kids last night, tears did flow. Each profound in their own way.........I found myself suddenly sobbing, as a few face timed in another room. I am truly counting on each and every tear being accounted for and recounted........ and recompense coming

I was not always free with my expressions. The words, emotions, and heartfelt accounts were not natural to me for a long time. It was until my late 20's, when my sister gave birth to our special Skyler Chase, who passed on 17 months after his Uncle Doug, and 19 months ago today, that I allowed myself to feel...... and be more real.

I remember at the time feeling as if I had been punched in my gut; my core ached, my heart literally hurt. I felt helpless..... the only thing I could do was fall to my knees before God, and bring that support to my family. The pain was so great as if I couldn't stand, as Skyler's life hung in the balance, April 23, 1996 in Philadelphia, PA.

As many are aware, those days in the NICU and caring for him were days no one wants to relive. However, something happened to me in that time.... and to my kids. We heard the dire prognoses of doctors.... and yet we witnessed a miracle. Skyler lived for 17 "special" years, being cared for by the most selfless of parents and siblings.NICu

He served as an inspiration for his Uncle Doug, myself, and my kids. I still hear his voice in my head, reminding me to lighten up a little more, to laugh a bit louder, and to smile during the pain which doesn't always go away. Some days I feel successful, while others I fail...... but if I do fall, I always get up again.......

It seems as if when stuff we face wants to rip at our core, God seems to provide a positive for each negative...... in His time... in His way. Today, while feeling particularly challenged, Logan and I perked up when viewing his VB video clips that went live and online on a his college recruiting site. He's got great colleges viewing him........ hope remains.

My daughter completed her first HS Junior Varsity Girls Head Coaching job, finishing with an undefeated season at Vista Mar! To say we are elated and proud of her is an understatement..... she was made to coach. To inspire others and make us better........

That is only one of our goals........ it just happens to be in the VB venue for a few of us, but the idea remains the same.

Life. Life. Life....... and lots of love.

At this moment in EST, 3 years ago today, my kids and I drove home from a hospital near our home town...... having suddenly witnessed death and been wounded by it. We sat closely in our Toyota Corolla that night, the same vehicle we would later travel cross country in..... both times, we weren't sure if we would make it.........

It was because of this night, 11.4.11, that a stirring began..... and a call we could not run away from. Even in our hardest days here, then and now, there remains a depth of determination that not one of us can deny. This manifests in a variety of ways, and through each of our personalities........

Sometimes I think I see the ways it's impacted one of us more than another.... and then I see I am wrong. We have all been equally affected. What we choose to do with the "situation" requires some kind of motivation, for better or worse.

In the Book of Psalms, chapter 56, David speaks of the difficulties he had at a time in life where it seemed everything was after his happiness. I imagine this left him feeling as if he could hardly handle it all. In verse 8, he describes his belief that my God in heaven collects my tears, in a bottle and a book. He actually knows me......... He remembers you, me, us.......

I wondered if I would ever feel the same emptiness I felt the night of November 4th, and the answer is.... yes. I have. I am changed. I will never be the same. These emotions must serve my future and not aid my past.
His intervention may not always come in my timetable or in the ways that I would like, but I do know one thing. It will come. He will come.

Three years later, my kids and I are spread out. Logan is at a Redondo Girls VB game with teammates, showing support to the girls on a big night. After hanging onto a Spanish project he had to do for the last two weeks, he chose to complete it today..... and appropriately so.

I leave you with this tonight.....after my tears are recorded, "then my enemies will turn back, when I call for help. By this I will know that God is for me. In God I trust; I will not be afraid. What can man do to me? For you have delivered me from death, and my feet from stumbling, that I may walk before God in the light of LIFE."

May the Lord be praised.