As I read the words of each of my kids last night, tears did flow. Each profound in their own way.........I found myself suddenly sobbing, as a few face timed in another room. I am truly counting on each and every tear being accounted for and recounted........ and recompense coming

I was not always free with my expressions. The words, emotions, and heartfelt accounts were not natural to me for a long time. It was until my late 20's, when my sister gave birth to our special Skyler Chase, who passed on 17 months after his Uncle Doug, and 19 months ago today, that I allowed myself to feel...... and be more real.

I remember at the time feeling as if I had been punched in my gut; my core ached, my heart literally hurt. I felt helpless..... the only thing I could do was fall to my knees before God, and bring that support to my family. The pain was so great as if I couldn't stand, as Skyler's life hung in the balance, April 23, 1996 in Philadelphia, PA.

As many are aware, those days in the NICU and caring for him were days no one wants to relive. However, something happened to me in that time.... and to my kids. We heard the dire prognoses of doctors.... and yet we witnessed a miracle. Skyler lived for 17 "special" years, being cared for by the most selfless of parents and siblings.NICu

He served as an inspiration for his Uncle Doug, myself, and my kids. I still hear his voice in my head, reminding me to lighten up a little more, to laugh a bit louder, and to smile during the pain which doesn't always go away. Some days I feel successful, while others I fail...... but if I do fall, I always get up again.......

It seems as if when stuff we face wants to rip at our core, God seems to provide a positive for each negative...... in His time... in His way. Today, while feeling particularly challenged, Logan and I perked up when viewing his VB video clips that went live and online on a his college recruiting site. He's got great colleges viewing him........ hope remains.

My daughter completed her first HS Junior Varsity Girls Head Coaching job, finishing with an undefeated season at Vista Mar! To say we are elated and proud of her is an understatement..... she was made to coach. To inspire others and make us better........

That is only one of our goals........ it just happens to be in the VB venue for a few of us, but the idea remains the same.

Life. Life. Life....... and lots of love.

When the "heart bleed" virus was revealed early in April, it was as if the timing paralleled personal matters. Having walked through tragedy and trauma in life, I wondered if my heart would ever heal..... or would I need to live with the overwhelming ache I felt.

Some days I'd think I was beyond that point until someone "touched" my heart and an emotion was triggered.... releasing hidden emotions, trapped inside. My first few months here I had trouble distinguishing whether it was a good or bad feeling, because the two seemed so intertwined.

The goodness of a friend brought tears, as my heart felt such gratitude. Likewise, the same gift of goodness would open up a place in me that was bruised, I wanted to cover over, but could not. In order to heal, I had to expose my pain........

Because of that willful exposure, my heart is definitely healing. Some very good things are taking place in my life in southern California.

And because I have wonderful family who have reciprocated in supporting our dreams and desires, we are able to advance. We could never do this without our support and love back home.

This is transition week for Chynna, as she's now living elsewhere and continues to take a few loads of clothes and items along with her. She met her potential new roommate tonight and things are looking up. The first few months here gave her time to determine what she wants in life and she knows she wants to live without regrets.......

We are learning how to juggle two cars and four drivers which sucks:/ Some days I'm not sure how we'll figure it out, but we will do it somehow. Another car is too much for my budget right now, as I'm getting new health insurance in place and will be apartment hunting in the near future.

I've learned that my problems are temporary, but my HOPE is eternal. If your heart is hurting, you can find healing.

Goodnight and Love.