The Fall Fruits.

It may seem as if you work hard in life and don't get anywhere..... days you're left wondering how in the world to "get ahead" and what that even looks like on a personal level. Ny late husband and I would reflect on our attitude of doing right and worked hard, all for a future we hoped would one day exist......... something better to come.

Hoping that something more in the future, than I currently know to exist in the present, I think is the essence of "faith." Looking ahead......Because "faith is confidence in what we hope for, and assurance of what we cannot see." Faith is belief. Belief is hope. Hope heals the heart........

As I reach a pivotal point in my life at age 45, having experienced more trauma than most perhaps, I somehow am able to position myself/us for a blessing. Even when those beliefs are tested, tried, and totaled, I am able to ultimately trust........ like gold refined in the fire.

Jordan is positioning himself for a new move, another place that has come available, in the proximity of the city he needs to be in. He continues to gain more knowledge and most importantly, shares it with many, freely..... just like his dad. He has a wealth of it..........

After a chaotic first day in October, I am very excited about future prospects. Waiting patiently is very hard, no matter what the subject matter; however, when all hope was lost, a prospective family I wanted as new tenants are coming through. During this week that tested me, they have positioned themselves to occupy one of my homes:) God is good.

I am learning to ask for more, and expect things to work out on my behalf. When I continue to trust and do what is asked of me, aligning myself with the will of God as I know it, great things happen.

Today, after beach practice Logan left his flip flops behind, on this first day of a new month in the Fall. His partner picked them up, after we got home. Never happened before......... His club practice begins also, which will lead to new positions and partnerships. 
Perhaps we will see what this Fall brings forth.......

Immersion.

Getting the perspective of another can help drive your ambition, clear your confusion or help change your mind. When coming from a trusted friend, the gift is priceless. It is fragile if not founded on purpose.

Having two East Coasters, John and Andrew, with us for several days has been so good. There is a grounded perspective to life that comes from those roots. There is also a goodness.............

We have had the best time with both staying in our apartment., as both were given a real life look at the lives we lead and the work it takes to keep us here. The lure of the lifestyle is astounding and addicting if you like to just "chill." For me, the pace is too slow.

My friend John left late last night, catching a red eye flight home. He's hoping to plan his next visit soon. I've never met anyone like him......

Andrew leaves us on Wednesday and we will miss him dearly. Tonight, as a last hurrah, I took Logan, a friend, and Andrew to "In and Out" burger, a place where the stars go:) He goes with the flow, whether he's eating dinner on a styrofoam cooler, sleeping sideways on the sofa, using a crappy bike to get around, or packing his suitcase without lighting. Never complained, just immersed himself in our world. And, put up with all my picture taking:D

It's easy to look at someone else's life and want what another has, but the truth is, you may not want to do what it takes to get where he/she is. That life looks and sounds glamorous but doing what it takes to get there or stay there, may be beyond your capabilities.

The important thing is to act on the little mustard seed of faith you have; don't think about what you are lacking. Take the ability or talent you've been given, and "invest" it. Use it.

In July, I stepped into something at is moving me into a whole new level.
and in August, I believe the magic will reveal itself..... taking what I have and making it multiply.

Goodnight.

Comforts.

Another Rockstar practice for Logan and team, while I covered for a coworker at Prudential HB today. One day seems like another when the weather is consistent. I had a few agents seriously thinking it was a Monday, when they came in and saw me:)

Heading to Houston on Tuesday, July 1, and we are excited; great parents and teammates, and a whole new start. Hoping to catch some East Coast friends while there too:) Last summer we were scouting out Southern California at this time.......

As Chynna's time home wraps up, she spent time going through items in storage in our attic. As she prepares donation piles, there are things I can part with and others that can wait. I found myself saying, "I want to take some of my past into my future"..........

Just here with the essentials, no comforts and I guess it's time to buy duct tape after Austin told me his air mattress has a hole in it. He put air in it tonight and found a leak,; he's woken up the past few days to find himself on the floor. I had to laugh.

Jordan finally has a bed of his own, after being in San Fran over a year:) Hoping he's not moving anytime soon..... things you take for granted....

After moving out of our old apt. and being put through a form of purgatory for ten months, I received good news. Our old apt. has rented by July 1! The right opportunity, at the right time came along, and I trusted everything would work.

Even though for two weeks I was baited into one battle after another, I resisted. I am putting this all behind me....... and super excited to do so. Something new is beginning...... Resources will come from a new source I trust. None of this move has been "comforting". We all have felt it.

For a while, my soul searched for comfort and there's a certain level we all need. I provide it for the kids; they give it back to me when needed. However, when there is a calling, there is not always comfort.

Education.

When I was younger, I wouldn't have guessed the lessons life has taught me, even at my age. I think I thought I would've learned everything by now:) Some days it feels as if I've just begun.

The mentality that brought me here and made me willing to come was the feeling that anything was possible. It's a gift loss has given me.....

My emotions are so easily manipulated as I often feel responsible for everyone else, and take others feelings and situations into consideration. I didn't realize how much until I am now on my own, but I can't afford a lack of faith right now. Those days are coming to an end.

Tomorrow the Redondo Seahawks, the Varsity VB Team, go up against the #1 team in the nation in CIF Semi-Finals. On the same day, the Daily Breeze article is set to be released. Anticipation and excitement is building......

Hoping to finalize property insurance this week and looking ahead to a rental opening up in summer.

Through all of this, I continue to grow as a person....... and cautiously get close to others. I know God is teaching me a ton of stuff right now. I can't make everyone happy and that's tough to accept. If I don't, I will self destruct.

"Only Human." Christina Perry

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Glory days.

Not a day goes by when we don't think about home, the past and the way things used to be. Logan remembers how his dad would take early weekend mornings to clean the pool, giving him all the more reason to get out early on the ATV and ride through the yard. Nothing can replace what's been lost..... except our will to move on.

To quote the words of my youngest who says, "there's no going back; we can thrive now or lose it all and long for the past." As time passes, there comes a glorification of it, and a natural tendency to forget the difficulties. Plus they were kids with few cares. Now they know better....

With the addition of my 19 year old here, comes the need to work through more issues of grief. There are stages and phases, and with five of us in a family, it seems there is usually someone to speak life into..... they could so easily become part of this LOST generation and why I have such a passion to reach the young.......

Psalms 23 speaks to so much we face in life, no matter the spectrum or scope. Troubles settle in the soul, the seat of our emotions, the container for our feelings. It needs continual restoration because we experience hurt regularly. If I don't, it's because my heart is hardened or I'm protecting it. I especially need it now......

I'm ready to move on.... and bring others with me in the process. This is unlike anything we've ever seen before. Pioneering a movement

Strength.

Our Sundays are nothing like they were so many years ago, which was based more on routine than relevance. My late husband always wrestled with religion; he found a bit of breakthrough but never enough. We kept pushing him......

As the culture is being transformed, principles don't have to be abandoned. In this new place we're in, compromise always awaits. We remind ourselves regularly of what we are grounded in; if we don't, no one will. I'm taking a few verses from the Book of Hebrews and making them personal tonight:

"I won't throw away my confidence (freedom to speak); it will be richly rewarded. I need to persevere so that when I have done the will of God, I WILL receive what he has promised. No pleasure is taken in the one who shrinks back.
But WE do not belong to those who shrink back (withdraw) and are destroyed....."

There has been quite a bit happening in the last few months that could cause me to pull back and seek cover. But I am challenging my faith to grow even more because I need it too, to get to the next level in my life. This is very real......

The end to Transition Week for USA VB; Logan connected with a new friend from VA on the sand courts. He's moving here in a year and very familiar with East Coast VB:) Everyday there are new connections in Cali; it's fascinating.

Can't wait to see Jordan in SoCal this coming weekend; It's been 5 long months since his last visit.

Our needs are very real; our hopes very high. Perhaps my inability to gauge my emotions are a gift in disguise, so I don't give up......

Decisions.

Tough decisions don't come easy and a few had to be made in the last 7 days. I can understand why we don't make changes or want to let go........ even when it's for the best. If you let it go and it comes back to you, perhaps it's meant to be.

I never imagined my life taking the turns it has, especially without the man I knew for 25 years beside me. The void left behind is going to be filled with something; if done right, a purpose will be uncovered in the sacrifice....... if not, the results can be self destructive.

Tonight Logan's VB team beat Orange Lutheran in Quarter Finals to advance in CIF. The team will face Huntington Beach, the #1 team in the country, to play in the Semi's! This is some of the best play we've ever seen........ so many great players and exciting matches.

The energy of the game is palpable and I feel it. It is one of the only familiar feelings I have.....perhaps that's one reason I give it weight in my life. I still struggle to gauge difficulties after facing the worst. It is the weirdest thing. I always want to believe....... in people.

Perhaps there's a natural desire as a widow to allow others to get close after loss, or maybe it's just who I am. It's a whole new world......

Lots of beach activity happening in the last week, so hoping to chill a bit tomorrow, after work is done. I'd love to lay in the sun. Big week ahead.

I didn't realize the effects holding onto something had on me. Perhaps because death was so final, I didn't have a choice.... but I did have the option to find life for myself, or at least try to create one......

Feeling creative in SoCal.

Innocent.

While we came to Southern Cal for opportunities to play our favorite sport, we have so much more in mind. I am fast becoming a single mom whose decided that I need to do whatever it takes to stay here, if that's what we want. I really am no longer giving myself an out like, "if we can make it......"

So many are looking to make a name for themselves in this land; everywhere you turn, there is someone to learn from or find out about. And so much drama. Some have a story, others get lucky it seems. In one way or another, I'm finding you can't replace our East Coast roots:)

Plans to increase my hours at Prudential CA are an option as school comes to a close and in order to help cover our increasing expenses that are unforeseen:/ Two kids are in transition periods and need jobs.

Chynna is an official college graduate of Kutztown University in PA, as she took her finals this week at Cal State Long Beach:) She is at a crossroads with many options ahead..... two job interviews in a week, so we're hopeful. USA VB Transition is complete; now we wait to hear.

The reality is that without their dad, things are tougher and tighter. They don't have him to count on for support; none of us do. They have to pull their weight and getting that message across isn't always the easiest. It's not something I ever wanted for them.

The boys have had to grow up far faster than most. Jobs are in the forefront for both. Logan will be finishing school in a few weeks; Austin's college plans may be slightly delayed due to financial aid issues:/ Working on that one.

Photos were taken of the Redondo Boys VB Team this week and Logan gave an interview today. The release date for an article in a local beach paper should happen this weekend. I hope to have an online link to share this time:) Quarter finals for playoffs are tomorrow afternoon in Orange, CA.

The focus on myself the past 7 days has been good. I've come to realize many things I will share over time. Face to face with fears, foes, and finding the fortitude to do what I need to do for the future.......

"Innocent." by Anberlin

Vanity.

Super hot days in California remind us of the comforts we miss from home, like a whole house air conditioner. The climate is quite different; if close enough to the beach you feel an ocean breeze. If not, you bake. I'm told this heat is not the norm.

Photos were taken and an article is being written on our story of loss and life, with a focus on the Varsity VB team from Redondo Union. Settling into a whole new community is very tough, especially moving cross country but the coach's program has a family friendly feel which is great:)

In some ways I can see what King Solomon meant when he looked around and declared many things in life as meaningless. Chasing after the wind, an elusive longing for fulfillment, is a common element in the land. Vanity of vanities.......

As I move on to find meaning in life, I'm working on helping others move on with me. After almost 25 years of marriage, I think I'm learning what it feels like to be "wanted" again........

Impulse.

Times in my life I feel I'm ahead and other times, I'm running to try to keep up. This is one of those times..... when God is way ahead of me and I need to follow where He's leading me......

As I set aside these 7 days to focus and listen, I prayed for clarity and asked others to pray for me. Within two hours tonight, a dear friend from across the nation reached out to me and her prayers were in line with what I am focusing on for myself.

Had she dismissed her thoughts or put off making the connection, I never would've heard the words I needed to tonight.... acting on your impulse isn't always a bad thing. Sometimes someone needs what you alone can give....... because each of us has something special to offer another.

It seems as if my current crises could be a catalyst for the changes that need to come. Change for the sake of change is bad; but for the cause of the kingdom, great things can happen. Destiny awaits......

Full week here as CIF playoffs began tonight, which is similar to First round of Districts back East. The Seahawks will advance to play their next round on Thurs. night, against a team from Thousand Oaks, CA. Logan's learning a lot his sophomore year which will serve him well as an upcoming leader.

USA VB Beach week continues which makes for some full days; Logan along with a few teammates are giving it a go. Chynna's Transition Week has come to an end in Beach, so now we wait to hear. She's got Finals this week and then she's finished up with school:)

Most times, the task before me is never an easy one and opportunity presents itself far before I feel ready. I'm feverishly writing to finish up the last few chapters in my current venture, and then it's time to check out publishing.

2014 has become a seize the moment kind of time and that's what we're here for.

Transitions.

I've been told that losing my husband when my kids were teenagers and/or young adults is easier than if my kids were young. I am of a differing opinion, having coming through two years of transitions. With teens, they are constant ......

So many crucial decisions are made during these days and they often have to be made on our own. Our lives have changed; the impact is felt daily. No one is here, holding my hand, telling me things will be okay... I just have to make educated choices and believe.......

Today, I spent time getting in place a Sallie Mae Loan for Austin's upcoming start at Elco. I really dislike handling these decisions. Need to get new homeowner's insurance in place as well, for my homes back east. Too many details to follow. I just want someone to tell me what to do.

I find it almost impossible to handle any negativity anymore. Logan feels the same as I, and even more so. This may perhaps be, a result of the trauma or trials we experienced in life, as our reality always remains with us. Or it is quite possible, we find more power in positive thinking....

I would rather think about what I can do, what I should try, or what might be possible, as opposed to feeling like there are no options available. I don't want to look at the worst case scenario. I flee from it. I believe in hope, as an anchor for the soul, and a constant for the future.....

Goodnight.

Timing.

I felt a bit emotional this morning, as 3 of my kids and I had brunch together at a local diner in Hermosa Beach. As I looked at each of them minus my oldest, I couldn't stop the stream of tears that flowed....

My memories were triggered and went back to the man that made having my children possible..... we had our share of problems and issues, but this one thing I think we did right.....

The years of child rearing seem so from me as I have entered a whole new life; the constant I had in a partner has now passed. I've moved into a time I never imagined.... when the kids saw my tears, they wondered if I was okay. I really had no words.....

I'm taking the next 7 days to reflect on where I want to go and how I need to get there; things are setting up for the summer. Who will go with me......

If we were back home, I would've witnessed another graduation, this time for my girl. Instead she was playing beach VB in a tournament in Laguna Beach. No pomp and circumstances, but purpose and power.

It was the first weekend since our move that Logan hasn't played on the beach. Instead, he and Austin spent time on the soccer field for fun. I've been taking in as many NBA playoff games as possible, which isn't enough:) I started watching when Logan was born in June 97, during NBA Finals week:)

I'm starting to get some color now, having been out in the sun over the weekend:) The kids are far more tan than I. It seems the atmosphere agrees with them because all are looking healthy and growing stronger.

More people have asked about my late husband, as they see the condition of the kids and how we adapt and connect. Certain qualities in life were always important to him, like activity and staying physically fit. He was always on the move.
Now, his kids are pushing the limits of strength, lifting, and actions. He left a good legacy.....

"Yesterday." Switchfoot