Hang onto Hope.

Beliefs take a hit when your world is rocked and something so out of the ordinary is thrown your way. Belief in ourselves, in humanity, and in a "Higher Power" are shaken down to the very core of one's existence....... perhaps that is why some say they have none.....

With no hope, there is nothing invested. Nothing is lost. In my opinion, that is not a life lived.

The kids and I came to this land of idolized images and perceptions perpetrated, with great expectations and good intentions. Had our belief system hinged on man's ways and what money secures, we would be sunk, let down left and right......... however,

"Hope is the anchor for our souls which is firm and secure....."

As a woman and mom, I have always tried to offer the best of my beliefs to my kids, not cramming in through control, but modeling by my lifestyle. Here, the climate is not conducive even to the basics; there then, is no foundation to build from. Nothing is firm. Nothing is sound. The ground shifts. There is no progression.

When loss hits, there's a chance to rebuild......... your beliefs, the basics.

There have been tough lessons for my 20 year old to learn lately......... issues of incompetency in every arena; hoping for help but finding there is no one to care in this SoCal climate. Self preservation prevails......... it is The Beautiful Letdown.

My belief remains that each lesson learned and opportunity taken is meant to add to the quality of my life, in one way or another. Hope is a hot commodity; easily taken or traded away; hope needs to be protected. For some, it is all that is left to build upon........

Hope is a belief in the better.

"Not a word fell to the ground...."

After using earbuds for my iPhone that had wires fraying and padded ends that had fallen off on my last flight home, I decided it was time for a new pair. I had an iPhone upgrade in November which still hasn't happened, so I wait. Some silly things delayed are so small and simple.....

We often think of the many changes we want or need to make in life and become overwhelmed as to where to start. I have finally come to realize that taking a small step towards where I want to be is okay...... It is, after all, the many steps in the right direction that take me where I want to go....

Being on the west coast, in the midst of the "sunny California lifestyle" and all that it encompasses, has made many things much clearer to each of us. This was a journey of countless small steps that have led to life changing experiences we would not trade, in spite of the hardship and hurdles.

Prior to my recent flight back to LA, I had purchased the same style earbuds I had before. The sound quality was much better than my old pair and I realized what I was missing for so long..... I had learned to deal with it. I allowed myself to make adjustments to live with less than the best........

They worked fine for the last few days until I found myself frustrated with the same situation where the earbuds fell out. The sound was not clear in my ears; they did not fit me. Again, I struggled to "hear" like I wanted to. I wondered why I was dealing with this same issue again.

While out gift shopping today I found the pair I wanted; the kind that I could receive from without struggling to hear and not lose the "sound." The price was right and more importantly, they fit ME. I didn't have to feel bad for needing or wanting to what works for me.........

On another 4th of the month, I am finding myself even more..... through loss. As I find more of myself, more of my God, I have more to give to others. I needed to hear for myself, to understand why things happened the way they did. I have to come to grips in my understanding to guide my kids through........ and I am here to help you.......

While I certainly don't have all the answers, I continue to listen intently....

Eternity in my heart.

It's taken me about 3 years but I realized tonight I think I have finally found one thing I do that makes me "happy." When I was part of a couple, my dreams were his dreams. His goals became my own. Time felt dictated by survival.............

I struggle to move beyond this mindset of survival because those feelings are familiar ones. We made choices in order to make our household function financially, and times were quite stressful. Not everyone understood the remodeling industry was not a lucrative one. How do I move forward when I continue in this familiar feeling.........

It was in those times however, that we grew......... as people. Our kids became acquainted with hard work, appreciation for others, and a sense of accomplishment not entitlement. In SoCal, hard work is defined very differently and evidenced in very few. The life of leisure is strived for.

Austin began his new job this afternoon and has a second interview set up with a second place nearby. Transportation is a challenge because he will need to use the bus regularly. I'm able to run around if necessary but won't continue "forever." We won't purchase another vehicle while here because of costs and countless scammers. Buying two bikes was tough enough:)

Chynna continues to study her course in personal training online. Her "career" at Olive Garden is coming to an end as she pursues the coaching opportunities that have come her way. She has learned that she does not prefer a 9-5 type of job but likes to set her own schedule:) Student loans are coming due and she's learning how to manage more on her own. I support the best I can, and try not to stress out.........

When I look at things without the "eyes of my heart being enlightened and opened", life can look a bit lopsided. It's easy to replay memories in my head and heart, and wonder how different things could be......... but it is then I rely on that enlightenment to take me to a higher perspective.......

I think of the story of Job of the Bible..... he seems to have had everything, and then suddenly it was all taken from him. Everything he was familiar with was gone... except his wife. She suggested he "curse God and die." Even in the midst of his physical, emotional and mental pain, he was able to maintain his memory of the coming future....... (Job 2)

The memories of the future, eternity in my heart, has to outweigh those pulling me back to my past.

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Stay.

The beautiful thing with life is the gift of choice, in most things. I say this a bit "tongue in cheek", knowing the trials and tests I have walked through. But I believe with all sincerity. I have a choice to give or to take.

During this time of returning to our home for the holiday, I felt the positive effects of the choices I have been making....... and it was good. Even though daily I am challenged in areas that may lead to more change, I trust my vulnerability will lead me to victory........

While home, Logan was the lightest I have seen him in months; competition in every area in life in LA makes one very weary. And I do mean every area........ Good friends bring out the best in each other.... and want the best FOR one another.

Austin felt refreshed as well in his short time home; I can see what makes him thrive. On the way to Philly airport, he received a call with a job offer starting Tuesday:) He also has another interview set up for Monday at another local eatery. Making a move creates motion in life............

We get to have Jordan here another night as his flight back to SFO was delayed for more than 3 hours due to "high winds." I think something was telling him to "stay......" and will work for the best:) He'll be here until the 1st of December.......

As for me, I had several appointments to take care of, as well as business to do while home. Doing what is best for my family and myself is my utmost priority. I know I am ready to be "happy." I have quite a bit of thinking to do, as I face the potential of two choices to make, two paths to take that will affect all of us............

"Signal Fire" by Snow Patrol.

Taking flight.

Another Friday night passes and I'm doing what I often do - packing. This time it is not for a volleyball tournament the next day, but rather a flight home:) It feels a little bit like I am currently caught between two seasons in life and need the proper "preparation" for each place.........

The quest for independence has been an uphill battle. When one is used to living under the care or concern of another, whether a parent's watchful eye or partner in life, it is a very big adjustment to gain the gravity to hold your on. I was always taken care of, not in a life of "luxury" but with loyalty......

I now ponder the proper way to provide care for my growing kids, who want independence but are not able to be independent. When conflicts arise amongst us, I feel the same internal stress that hassled me in my marriage. I just want to be free.

Chynna and Austin will be roommates while we are away and until he flies home for the holiday, lol. I would rather spend the days with all my kids but I can't make it all work. She and Jordan will do volunteer work and hang here for a long weekend. Holidays here are not as special as we are accustomed to back East. To say Logan is excited is an understatement:)

Austin was serious about job applications this week and through online apps and in person, he made a lot of contacts. His future remains very fluid and we will see what opens up. He needs to get back home and out of this aimlessness.........

"Our survival instinct can prove to be our greatest source of inspiration."

Living in limbo is no fun.

Until a decision is made to move on in life, no matter if you're single, separated, an empty nester or widower, life is in limbo. I am between the two and can become indifferent, with apathy settling in before I can see it. It's as if I'm between "two opinions" and being asked to make a choice.

I have learned that the God I believe in does not change in nature or character; however, his plans can be altered. Paths and courses in life can be determined by my decisions. Until I make one, I am in limbo. I do not like that feeling because I need to put action behind my faith, because that is when I feel alive...........

Austin has begun searching for another job as we've determined he will not be going back to Elco next semester. At times, I know he feels a bit aimless, like many his age and we're trying to weigh out all his options. It can be challenging for me, who wants to see the best possible scenario for him. We are learning how to communicate better which requires a bit more patience on my part. I just have to trust a little bit more.........

It seems Chynna is the one who's been meeting those of "celebrity status" since coming here 15 months ago. The beach coach she's working with also trained Indoor Female VB Olympic player Logan Tom and the US Team as I understand it. She's rubbed elbows yet remains unfazed:)

Redondo Union, as well as other local high schools, have been receiving threats that seem credible this week:/ A police presence has been felt on campus but so far no shutdowns. I do appreciate how proactive the school staff has been, not disregarding any info. So tired of the threats we are facing in our own country..........

Upon moving here, there were concerns that we would get lost here, never to return. It is always with great anticipation that Logan and I plan to return to our home town for the holiday next week, and we're both making as many plans as possible:) I expect an energizing that comes from the East Coast.... which gives life to the rest of the nation.

Yesterday I made a decision which I will share in the coming months and one I've wrestled with for months. This will impact many; however, it will move me, us, from limbo into liberty................

Love and peace.

Darkness. Light. Decisions.

Since the beginning of November and the time change, it seems the "darkness" has come so much earlier than I'm ready for. It is dark in California by 4:44 PST and the effects on the body, mind, and spirit are similar to elsewhere in the country, where the weather is colder.

I naively thought there was sun, and "light", and good will that was lasting and year round. Probably a silly thought I know:) But that's kind of been my approach throughout life............. looking for the best in the worst of situations, and believing it will prevail.

When I first met John Hayes it was through texting, lol and an online professional connection. That was 18 months ago, and within a few weeks of meeting, I told him "my kids want to move to California." Without hesitancy, he was supportive. I knew he would help me get where I needed to go....... for this time.

In this process of repurposing my life, I have found very few that would stick as close to me as he has. He is a bright spot in the darkness that often surrounds; he always helps me find a way of escape when needed. Many more plans will be put into place in the coming months......... to move us where we want to be.

Our hot water heater was replaced today, and it's quite different being on the opposite side of a rental property. I can't say I like it......... but it does continue to affirm the quality, care, and importance we have placed on the property we own and personal interaction I provide to tenants.

As I fill the few places that have been empty, I am learning a lot about the business world. Doug and I agreed on many things, and disagreed as well. I realize the time change that has taken place and how very thankful I am for the quality work he has done, and how he prepared for our future.

Decisions are often difficult ones to make, no matter the scale or scope. Practically speaking, it's taken time for some fears to subside, allowing John in closer. Getting close to someone again is a risk I am willing to take, but that's taken time.........

The precious will not be found in the profane...... but in the peace you find.

Goodnight and Love.

The bitter to sweet.

A sore throat is going around a bit here and my daughter is being blamed for it, lol. She and Logan did, kinda sorta, share the same space:/ At the worst point, she was not able to eat anything nor digest it. The pain was not worth a tasty reward she determined.........

Many years ago, a certain man was told to go to a land where the population was rebellious, restrictive, and constrictive. Upon partaking of this place by divine order, he was carefully warned not to becomecareless or infected by a callus culture where he easily could have compromised............

I have learned a lot as it relates to what IS really important to me in life. It's been a lengthy process, having come out of 25 years of living in a life that at times, I didn't have much control over. After almost 18 months of having my life in SoCal feel much like that past, I believe I am finally ready to turn the page........

I continue to try to help guide my kids the best I can, as they process the ills of adulthood or adolescent lifestyles without a husband here. I was in tears last night over it but, I am however, blessed to have a new "partner" in John, to bounce ideas off of and gain wisdom from...... and talk football with 

During this experience, this certain man was asked to chew on and then digest words that would cause him sadness and lament. As he did so, the taste in his mouth would turn from bitter to sweet....... He had a lot to process and I'm sure he wondered if his whole experience even had a point, but the bitterness that could have broken his heart served to make his will as firm as flint........ and he was stronger for it.

Knowing what you want in life or need out of life is a very personal matter and one I've wrestled with. After chewing on the bitter for a bit, I think I continue to digest the harsh taste its left in my mouth, in a land of careless thought and ill intent. 
I am now craving the sweets........

Pennsylvania "Nobody" Humiliates Administration Over Obamacare

“When Obama said ‘If you like your plan, you can keep your plan, period’—frankly, I believed him. He very often speaks with qualifiers. When he said ‘period,’ there were no qualifiers. You can understand that when I lost my own plan, and the replacement cost twice as much, I wasn’t happy. So I’m watching the news, and at that time I was thinking: Hey, the administration was not telling people the truth, and the media was doing nothing!”
— Rich Weinstein