A place in time and space.

Loss invokes an emotion, precipitates activity, inflames arguments or creates a close knit community...........

When losing a loved one, no matter the avenue or addiction, life can feel like an unending fight. It seems you've just stepped into a larger place in time and space......... where purpose exists. Perhaps it is time we inspire the young with the idea of being exceptional........... a belief many adults have forgotten about because life got in the way..........

Throughout my own crazy recovery, I go through periods of feeling down and throwing my dreams away. It takes everything I have got in me to hold them close to my heart. But that is what makes them worth so much to me.

And then there are those miraculous moments, when my courage soars. That rare gift, courage, must be nurtured and protected. It must be recognized in the young and urged to grow........... God knows we do not need more of the status quo.

I praised my kids as they grew, and continue to do so, for who they are and the gifts they have. However, I did not and will not shower them with untruths. Because a relationship was established long ago, I can tell each the "truth" but with an unending love......... and there is a connection. I long for each child to know this feeling.............

When I say it is a privilege to hang out with my nieces and nephews, and young people who give me the time of day, I mean it sincerely. I know how quickly life passes, the full circle and cycles we go through. No one is ever too far gone, too far from "saving."

Some days I really long for a "partner", as relationships have shifted for me since I'm back on the East Coast. Today I picked up a 12" concrete riser that weighs almost 200 lbs. for the septic system at my house. Thankfully the boys could unload it at home smile emoticon We are making progress.

I have learned so much in a few years, more than some in a lifetime.

I have learned to reach out........ I have learned to say I need help. I have learned to take counsel and advice; to know who to trust and who/what to trash. It is actually a beautiful process to witness.

And I am learning to trust myself more......... Nite.

Finding your way home.

"I was terrified the first time I left home but I persevered, knowing where home was and that I would always come back to it." (source unknown)

Perseverance. It grows from the testing of my faith; the trials I endure as I allow the process to work in my life. When this work is finished, the Book of James says I can be complete and mature, and lacking nothing. And when you're in the position I am in, this sounds pretty important to attain.

Perhaps God knew I was a quitter early on.... until He got a hold of me when I was 20 years old. Early on, the thing that tested me the most, as many know, was housing. This virtue would take years to develop but is wrapped up in my destiny.......... .

I was like many others and wanted the perfect home to raise a family in, especially having married a man older than I. When Plan B came into place, I naively agreed to the work required to put us in a better position than we had been financially. Little did I know the intense and immense work required to get there............

In order to hang onto what we have attained, I have needed this perseverance because there have been many times I want to throw in the towel. Concede. Admit that I cannot do this. Perhaps there is a Plan B, or just maybe I need a little bit more of my fight back..

My definition of home and what I wanted for the family we created was a place of acceptance. No matter what kind of day each of us had, there would always be a place of comfort awaiting. Comfort does not mean coddling to me, but a space for expansion and growth. Support. Safety.

With this in mind, the kids will be returning home in the next month. ALL of them. I have a feeling we will all enjoy what we've held onto here.... and work hard to keep it.

Updates will follow so watch for more:) Goodnight.

Mid Life.

As I reconnected with a few friends from my Berkshire Hathaway real estate office in the east, I felt as if I never left. It is quite amazing to be part of a community that cares about each other. This is the life I have come to know........... and need.

I don't think I am having a midlife crisis, but I am simply continuing to "find myself" in my mid 40s. Lol. Everything is new and different. New relationships and reconnecting, challenges and changes; these words are not often equated with midlife, or so I thought.

It's not that I don't long for the way things were, I fight those feelings most everyday. I can get stuck in the mire of self pity with moments of despair, but God has special friends in my life that can help lift me out, pull me forward and is what a meaningful life is all about...........

There has been some anxiety in our return as you can imagine, setting things up, moving things forward, but thankfully, we are underway. If I would let myself think about the "what ifs", I never would have done anything "after death." I am looking to trade anxieties for adventures:)

Last night Logan set foot on a VB court in our home territory for the first time in a week. He returns to his Club Lehigh team with great anticipation to play with the guys he's grown up with, and coaches he's known for several years. His first tournament on the east coast is this weekend:) He's home.........

We've been working, filing, cleaning and unpacking some things, while the west coast kids are now living on their own. I'm again talking late at night, as I was less than 2 years ago, and looking a bit harried for Face Time. So far, so good with Chynna and Austin sharing a place, working, gym time, and planning ahead. Jordan, as always, makes me laugh.........

I think I've returned from L.A. a little bit more open, honest, caring and sharing..... if you can imagine that!

"All things work together for my good."

Sitting among the ashes.

I've been reading about the story of a man who lived long ago; from all accounts, he was successful in every way. He was the "greatest man" in his town; his family got along and all was well, until one day when something out of the ordinary came against him....... twice.

Not only did he suffer great personal loss, but his life was also touched with physical ailments. It seemed that even this righteous man was allowed to discover and uncover what it meant to "suffer". If he was such a good person, how could the God he knew of, allow this to happen......

He sat scraping his wounds, listening to so called friends give their opinions as to why such tragedy would strike his life. As he sat among the ashes, he came to the conclusion that if he could accept the good he believe came from God, why could he not accept the trouble that came as well..... This is the life of Job.

With the passing of our loved one, there are times we would feel justified in treating people poorly, lashing out in anger, and even making excuses for bad behavior. I have had more headaches with my rentals than ever before in our history together. I want to make sense of it, but can't......

As I reflect upon the last few years we've had, I think about this same subject. Particularly in the last 17 months........ when it seems as if all hell has been stirred up and I think life should be a bit easier if I try to live a "good life."

There were two tests Job went through and he came through each with questions and queries, but conquering. He kept his integrity intact because he held onto his beliefs and the relationship(s) that were real to him................

Here in LA, those closest to us know the compromises we have shaken off time and again, as part of our "testing......." Countless come to find fame and fortune, but soon betray the beliefs once held dear. It is heartbreaking how lives are changed, hearts are hardened so easily. It doesn't have to happen.

You gotta know what's real to recognize it. Goodnight.