"So, I took two days and spent time in the heart of my great state of PA, soaking in the life of the land and appreciating its simple things. Driving on state roads covered in gravel and walking n the currents of a creek bed reminded me of my life long ago. It was like getting back to basics......"
Read moreHolding a heart.
Today is an extra special one, as we celebrate Logan's 18th birthday. It seems fitting that I share with you the privileged view I have as his mom, and now as a single one.
Logan was the last one born but always the loudest, and as a baby, he never left my side. He was my smallest in size, and is now the tallest of my kids. I thought he would "blend in" but he has always been a stand out. You could say we were inseparable, lol..........
Logan was ever the entertainer, and that's a side few get to see:) He's always been very athletic, adept, and conditioned. He's had his share of experiences in his life, which will be revealed over time. Needless to say, seeing where he has been to where he is now......... is a blessing.
At ages 16 and 17, he can say he has lived on both coasts which has allowed him to grow exponentially as a person, player, and in his purpose. He has a lot to discover in the years to come, but will remained grounded as he did through an uprooting of life as he knew it.........
His CA friends miss him and his friends from PA have been so welcoming and warm. He continues to carry himself with respect as he holds himself to high standards. I hope his voice can be heard, his lifestyle will speak, and his character will echo throughout his generation..........
As adults in my generation, we have screwed a lot of things up for our kids. We either shelter them from anything difficult or declare their resiliency and dump our troubles upon them. All I have wanted to do is to provide some sense of stability in a time when everything was uprooted.
Even if I am struggling for myself, I have always tried to give that to my son. It does require sacrifice; I am filling the voice of both parents in his life, but I cannot change those facts. For some, there are decisions to do that. For others, it just happens.
I am choosing to not to lose my head, in order to hold a heart.........
Happy Birthday Logan Tanner.
Moving on.
We are nursing a minor sprained ankle tonight after a mishap at VB practice today. Logan strongly dislikes sitting still, kind of like his dad smile emoticonWith county playoffs coming up we are praying for a very quick recovery. Tomorrow is the last game of the HS season.
Three and a half years in, I am beginning to feel the strong desire for companionship and a partnership in life like I had, only better. I also do get very tired of handling these things on my own, as those in my position will attest to. And I want to have fun grin emoticon
I always thought the subject of moving on in love was pretty easy for me to talk about, but I have not been quite honest with myself or my kids. There can be feelings of guilt and make me a bit uncomfortable because of complications and confusion at times............
So many people are super scared of repeating past mistakes or of getting close again. At my age, many are married to their jobs, in love with their lifestyle, or wanting to relive their youth. It is very weird. Where is the fairy tale romance for my second chance at life............
I'm hoping to get my last available home rented out soon, after a tenant abandoned it last month. My goal is to prosper as a PA realtor so that I can set my own schedule and allow time for the other things I am pursuing of importance. I need to be my own "boss," Lord willing, and I know I can do it.
I am ready to jump in, dive in, and get going in a lot of areas in life back home. First step is getting organized and stabilized, and then make more room for what is important.
Life after loss, disease, or struggles is not measured in time but life suddenly becomes measured in quality and what we do with it.
Nite and Sweet Dreams.
The father's business
No matter the amount of time that passes, I continue to see the residue of the resilience it takes to snap back after tragedy. It seems to settle on every area of the soul. I need every ounce of it I can muster.
As we all settle back in here. there remains a very transitory feel to our family, as my oldest kids are concerned with advancing their careers. The feelings that they do not need to follow in their father's footsteps are for real. I want each to have their own lives........ I don't make demands.
Ours is a family business but one founded when their father was alive; now, we ask ourselves where do we go; what do we do. How do we practically move on, given the demands on time, desires of the heart, and definite financial needs. It is a conundrum I need answers to........
It is with this in the forefront that I, honest to God, have to keep pushing. With a only a few hours to go, I will have finished up my 14 hour online course to renew my PA real estate license. And I have to begin to make money. The ball will be set in motion on Monday.
Austin's first day on the job at a restaurant in Exeter began today, while the two boys tackled rental projects. I spent 8 hours at the place tenants abandoned, as Chynna planned her "boot camp" workout for Oxyfit gym, beginning next week. We are all working so hard........
As always, thank you for your continued prayers and support. Our dreams live on, with faith we can make each a reality. It may require some supernatural intervention from God, but that's what He is good at.
And a big thanks to John, who continues to provide practical help, such as changing a pressure valve fitting at my house, to hands on help at my rental.
"May the odds be ever in our favor."
Defending the court.
In preparation for Logan's impending driver's exam, he's been practicing parking on occasion. Today, I became a human cone for him; the things I won't do to see him succeed:/ He's given me a few other suggestions that I've nixed, LOL.
Our trip to Hershey last Friday for the High Performance VB tryout has paid off! Logan is 1 of 12 guys chosen to represent the PA region in a national competition in Des Moines, Iowa this summer. He is one of two Liberos chosen, with his teammate Gabe being the other. So thankful.
This will be his first official title as Libero which he plans to pursue in his college aspirations. His defensive skills were honed by his assistant coach in SoCal, the US National Team Libero Alfie Reft. During a time of testing in this recent season, we continue to hold onto redemption in his life.........
There are seasons in life that are just hard sometimes, and as you know, I felt this a lot in the last two years we traveled. I knew there was a reason for the testing however; there was a transition we all had to make. We made the choice to leap; we chose to take the calculated risks. Had I ever thought I made the wrong decision, those choices would all be in vain......
I know we are all very different people in our returning to the east. I know how important connections are, and how many are just waiting and anticipating............... We make all kinds of excuses as to why we don't do something or we fear it, and those mentalities for us are all gone.........
Our transitory move simply made the way for us which took courage, but once we got there, we had to force ourselves to integrate, innovate, and adapt. I have to believe I have options to see those openings. I must know that I need to make the most of opportunities, and if they are not there, pray for them. They will come..... if I obey His will.
I'm working on income tax prep this week with my appointment coming shortly, looking at my financial situation again, and what my options are. Even though I could be very concerned, I want to rise above it all. I do not want to be held captive by situations that can change suddenly........
Much like Logan's position on the volleyball court, there's a defensive stance that must be taken...... and in life.
He always is ready and prepared for whatever comes, whether easy or hard; he's got to get to where he is needed because a team is counting on him. There's got to be an aggressiveness and authority on the court, associated with the position. There cannot be timidity or a lack of confidence because too much is riding on it. He cannot be willing to give up his "territory," but command it. Trust. Talent. Confidence. Support.
And like with most things I speak of associated with loss, it requires making the first "move........"
Getting my hands dirty.
For the first time in a long while I traveled a highway locally known as the “Road to Nowhere.” I must say I am not very comfortable on this road.... going nowhere. I like to know where i am heading… Even if I go with the flow, there is still a direction… and I am directionally challenged ;)
Read morePressure and Perspective.
About this time in January 9 years ago, I delivered a baby who had not survived in utero. In those moments, it was difficult to understand why I would be allowed to suffer so much; there were so many days I wondered why......
To think I could now be raising a nine year old son on my own puts a few things into better perspective.
As I drive through the mountains in southeastern PA, the silhouettes of trees and farms with the pink sky behind are quite peaceful. In LA, the mountains were off in the distance. Here, I am on top of a high place......
and want to remain there.
The first part of my plans for returning will begin tomorrow as I find my hideaway and get back to writing. Most of my focus in LA was consumed by troubles..... which taught me a lot. Now to make the most of what I learned.
My California kids also continue to learn life lessons as they make their way on their own, but with my support. Austin is working a regular, steady job, paying down student loans, and contributing to the household. My daughter is readying herself to test for her personal training certification:)
Whether right or wrong, our kids have taken out student loans to pay for college, and hope for scholarship help or aid. We could see a time coming when we'd be able to help more, but those times changed dramatically. There has to be a new way, if the former has passed away.........
This type of pressure weighs on me if I allow it, usually rooted in fears, even when based in my "reality." Truth is, I think the fears come when I live in reality for too long...... and stop believing in dreams.
Nerf battles are becoming an everyday event as Logan takes the lead initiating the games with his cousins.... and Uncle Mike:) Our house is perfect with all its levels and stairways. I bet Doug never imagined such warfare would be taking place in this house....... they have a blast:D
It's getting late and I have conference calls with the kids coming up. Logan's hoping for a two hour delay for Tuesday, his first day back
Goodnight all.
Drawing from the well.
I remember a long, cold ride home to Pennsylvania from Rochester, NY, traveling back from an annual VB tournament in January 2013. One thing led to another and in a matter of moments, I allowed myself to envision the possibilities of coming westward…
Read moreLaughter.
Since coming to L.A., we've had the pleasure of welcoming 3 friends from back home here to visit; Jordan's greeted a few in San Fran as well. Honestly, it's always such a pleasure to have anyone from back home stop by, much more special than we could imagine. This week brings us Janelle Turner!
Chynna met her at the airport, and we all met for lunch at Joe's, using Austin's 50% off employee discount yet again:) From there, Hermosa Beach for the afternoon and catching up on life back home and here.
Our PA home always was a welcoming one and we miss hosting friends and family:/ Tonight, Janelle shared in our very humble means here, gathering around our cardboard box, coffee table for dinner. A very special treat for us:)
At my age, most people want to enjoy what they've worked for; I haven't had that luxury yet, and it's easy to complain about........ particularly when most everything I held dear, I left behind.... except for one another. It sounds very altruistic but is just the choice I've made for now.
Our time with Jordan is always fun, and they're all getting to know John a lot better. Dating anyone other than their dad was a tough transition, for some of the kids more than others. I will discuss this more in the days ahead.......
It's been good to hear laughter in the apartment, when East Coast roots meet the West Coast lifestyle. In between those times, it's nose to the grindstone, feed to the fire....... and full steam ahead.
Sincere love to all