Holding a heart.

Today is an extra special one, as we celebrate Logan's 18th birthday. It seems fitting that I share with you the privileged view I have as his mom, and now as a single one.

Logan was the last one born but always the loudest, and as a baby, he never left my side. He was my smallest in size, and is now the tallest of my kids. I thought he would "blend in" but he has always been a stand out. You could say we were inseparable, lol..........

Logan was ever the entertainer, and that's a side few get to see:) He's always been very athletic, adept, and conditioned. He's had his share of experiences in his life, which will be revealed over time. Needless to say, seeing where he has been to where he is now......... is a blessing.

At ages 16 and 17, he can say he has lived on both coasts which has allowed him to grow exponentially as a person, player, and in his purpose. He has a lot to discover in the years to come, but will remained grounded as he did through an uprooting of life as he knew it.........

His CA friends miss him and his friends from PA have been so welcoming and warm. He continues to carry himself with respect as he holds himself to high standards. I hope his voice can be heard, his lifestyle will speak, and his character will echo throughout his generation..........

As adults in my generation, we have screwed a lot of things up for our kids. We either shelter them from anything difficult or declare their resiliency and dump our troubles upon them. All I have wanted to do is to provide some sense of stability in a time when everything was uprooted.

Even if I am struggling for myself, I have always tried to give that to my son. It does require sacrifice; I am filling the voice of both parents in his life, but I cannot change those facts. For some, there are decisions to do that. For others, it just happens.

I am choosing to not to lose my head, in order to hold a heart.........

Happy Birthday Logan Tanner.

Creating an opening.

After being in a committed relationship for 25 years, there are many life lessons I have learned over such a broad time period. From then until now, a lot has changed with the idea of a dynamic "duo" except the importance of communication........ which remains a key element in any healthy relationship.

It seems silly now....... how lots of little things build up between us over time; barriers are created between you and the one(s) you love. All the hurts and heartaches are the walls constructed that keep communications contained as we begin the mission of protecting ourselves.

Before you know it, the ceiling is hung. The open heavens are closed tight. Nothing gets in or goes out. Life stops. Existence starts. And we do it all over again, every day, unless there is intention.......... and creative communication starts up. That means taking a risk..............

Being 3 years into this, I have not stopped. This process which was meant to close me up has only opened me more to possibilities, potential, and purposefulness. I eat, sleep, and breathe it. Being back in the Berks region and beyond, I feel the desperation all the more...........

At my age and older, it's so easy to stop caring, stop reaching, and stop believing. I think we see the effects of this mentality on the younger generations. That is not okay. They need to know they are better than what they seem to be now. Barriers have to be broken down first.

I have intentionally been open with my kids, past and present, in good times and tough ones. I cannot carry things alone and they have been far stronger than imagined. Each need breaks, but I do not take one. I am too busy busting through the ceiling built.............

This weekend will be the first big return to Grass Doubles back East, which we had such fond memories of while in L.A. The sand of Hermosa will have to wait for now:) 
Logan will tackle the Open Division tomorrow with a partner, and Sunday, he and his "sissy" will play together:) I gotta get there to watch!

A long, working weekend is planned for me, as usual, but goes with building a business. I signed my first clients up as Buyer's Thursday so I am ready to celebrate:) Fingers crossed our rental app is accepted! I am mopping, cooking, and making calls out of my home office for now.

When it's easiest to close up, think about availing yourself to openness. It may get you farther than you ever imagined.......

In hot pursuit.

The Psalmist David speaks of many emotions and elements in his life, creating expressions spoken from the depths of his soul. I know he had to be fully aware of the "enemies" after him and I find when I am led to read the Psalms, I am being prepared to declare the same kind of victory..........

Whether the enemy is literal or metaphorical, there is always the contrast of despair and hope; faith and fate; praise versus pity. In these last number of months and in my personal life, I am keenly aware of tempestuous times we live in and the feeling of vulnerabilities. It is in these moments that I need to choose what position and posture I will take when I am pursued.............

It may be false guilt, blame, fears or a facade you're living with, but there is always a way of escape..... and it isn't in futile, temporary fixes. Finding excitement and a zest for life can come from an eternal perspective and freaking, fantastic, adventurous faith. It is what many are missing.

My daughter is back from Puerto Rico, having traveled there for the first time with her friend Kelly. It was an opportunity she couldn't pass up. She did say how nice it is to come back to her home, a real BR, and the warm feelings of being here. Berks isn't necessarily the best, but it is far from the worst either..........

She's got some great plans ahead of her for the locality and they will be shared as I am free to. Logan's basically finished up with his junior year, having taken his finals last week. He's started his part time job for a neighbor, doing landscaping work, which has the flexible hours he needs. Keeping in touch with all my kids is a job in itself, but one I put ahead of most everything else...........

I pushed hard and finished up painting my home office over the weekend, and moved back in Sunday night. My body pushes back though, when I go too hard:/ I don't know when to quit anymore. But I want to make this a space I enjoy spending time in, making it my own, as it has never been. It is a very special space to me.

It's really the first room I have tackled in this transition for myself in a few years; it is being transformed into something new and improved....... much like me.

I am the pursuer.

Learn to live.

The month of May has been quite amazing; it has moved so quickly and I have my foot on the accelerator, so to speak. As i hear of graduation plans coming up next week, I am glad to have one more year at home with my youngest:)

Jordan's been organizing pictures and working on updating my blog, in order to expand it and for readers to access it more easily. As he pulls up pictures of each of us in the last 7 years, the change is startling. I don't even recognize myself........... and the kids have all grown. Their dad would be proud.....

My youngest has lost some time in learning practical things without him here, and because of our LA lifestyle. We are going to make sure he is equipped as best we can to take on tasks. Austin is able to figure some stuff out, having had his dad around a bit longer. Chynna is just plain resourceful, and Jordan is pretty much a genius, ha ha. Trying to learn from each other.

I actually impressed Jordan today, as I push to get the painting job done in my office. My goal is to finish up tomorrow night and move back in early next week! I will be starting fresh, transforming it from the former shared work space for our business, into finally, what will be all my own..............

Goals are good; plans are purposeful; however, they can get in the way of spontaneity, creativity, and actually living. There are so many people who plot out their future course, stick to it, and do not veer off of it. Even at young ages, adventure takes a back seat to too much practicality sometimes. 
We need to live a little bit more, and learn to enjoy it........

"With joy, I will draw water......" Isaiah 12:3

Live free.

In the last week, I officially returned to the "mommy phase", being fortunate enough to care for my two young nieces and nephew. Their mommy Marie, had the opportunity to get back into the classroom teaching, and I committed to keeping the kids many weeks ago smile emoticon

I did the daily runs to elementary school, preschool, pickups, playgrounds, and picnics. I packed and unpacked, did diaper duty, and finally on my last day, I think I've gotten the hang on it. The innocence of little ones is so refreshing and of course, I found myself acting and talking in their language..........

Kids see life so simply and sincerely, without skepticism and reasoning. I would love to see those attributes rub off on some adults. I got some much needed hugs, love, and kisses, and cuddles too. I remember my mommy days from years ago.

When my kids were young, I didn't want them to "grow up too fast." I wanted them to feel safe, secure, and not have to think about things beyond their age. I guess I did not have that luxury........ because in 2011, that ultimately happened. Not a fixation of mine but a freedom I still wish for them...........

The white board in the kitchen hallway has returned, with reminders of "chores" to do and no rewards or allowance handed out. Things can work smoothly unless and until one of us feels unfairly overworked, such as tonight. Then the balance we try to find, quickly goes to hell.

It seems to take everything I have, we have, to keep our family unit intact. This isn't something to take lightly or assume it'll always survive loss of any sort. There still has to be intention behind my actions; it has to be important enough to me to make it happen. 
That does not mean suffocation............

"If you love something, or someone, set it free." 
Freedom 2015.

A place in time and space.

Loss invokes an emotion, precipitates activity, inflames arguments or creates a close knit community...........

When losing a loved one, no matter the avenue or addiction, life can feel like an unending fight. It seems you've just stepped into a larger place in time and space......... where purpose exists. Perhaps it is time we inspire the young with the idea of being exceptional........... a belief many adults have forgotten about because life got in the way..........

Throughout my own crazy recovery, I go through periods of feeling down and throwing my dreams away. It takes everything I have got in me to hold them close to my heart. But that is what makes them worth so much to me.

And then there are those miraculous moments, when my courage soars. That rare gift, courage, must be nurtured and protected. It must be recognized in the young and urged to grow........... God knows we do not need more of the status quo.

I praised my kids as they grew, and continue to do so, for who they are and the gifts they have. However, I did not and will not shower them with untruths. Because a relationship was established long ago, I can tell each the "truth" but with an unending love......... and there is a connection. I long for each child to know this feeling.............

When I say it is a privilege to hang out with my nieces and nephews, and young people who give me the time of day, I mean it sincerely. I know how quickly life passes, the full circle and cycles we go through. No one is ever too far gone, too far from "saving."

Some days I really long for a "partner", as relationships have shifted for me since I'm back on the East Coast. Today I picked up a 12" concrete riser that weighs almost 200 lbs. for the septic system at my house. Thankfully the boys could unload it at home smile emoticon We are making progress.

I have learned so much in a few years, more than some in a lifetime.

I have learned to reach out........ I have learned to say I need help. I have learned to take counsel and advice; to know who to trust and who/what to trash. It is actually a beautiful process to witness.

And I am learning to trust myself more......... Nite.

Wrestle for my blessing.

This week has thrown me so many curves, I sometimes really don't know where to turn. I never try to sugarcoat anything but intentionally do not focus on my problems; that doesn't mean they don't exist. I found myself asking, "did You really have to take him home"..........

After the pump tank alarm for my septic tank went off yesterday, I had to make quick phone calls to figure out what to do. I'd been so involved in our household and business over the course of time and thought I knew a lot. It seems there is always more to learn.

I know the majority may not listen, but if you can hear me, consider getting your house in order. Please become more involved in your own life. I was, am, and still have a long way to go and never enough time. Not only is it the physical stuff, but countless demands.

I may need to consider some things I haven't let myself.................... so many expect so much.

Chynna's business is growing and she is working her butt off. A week goes by before we can see or talk to each other because of schedules. Jordan is evaluating options, wondering how long he will be here. He has evolved so much, but nothing much here has. He knows I need him right now.............

I am wrestling with God for my blessing, much like Jacob in the Bible did. I am not letting go. One thing all of this stuff has taught me is that I don't give up. I dig in. This will make me a great realtor grin emoticon

As the boys literally dug holes for four hours on our sand mound to find the necessary pipes, with no plans to go on, Kind of parallels the life of many people. 
What I choose to do is remind myself, my kids, and those who hear that it's okay to wrestle for your blessing. I dig in and don't let go.

Fury Road.

Mysterious May.

Even though I am not a great gardener, I have a love for plants. Greens. Flowers. Colors. Variety. Living in L.A. county was tough on me, having no space or freedom to "plant." Austin noticed the beauty of the colors all around us today, which stands out more brightly than ever before......

While I unloaded a small box with a few flower plants, it almost tipped over and I thought about the potential for a mess. As much as I hate messes, it often takes one to force me to change..... to make a decision...... to bring about a determination to do something different.

God knows I've cleaned up enough "messes" in my life over the course of many years, some worse than others. I guess that gives me a good amount of experience in dealing with life...... and giving to others what is needed. This ability comes from going through stuff....... and coming out on the other side.

This mentality has made me push beyond any limits and know most anything can be conquered. The flip side is that I don't often know my limits anymore without my late husband's limitless presence. Perhaps I picked up something he carried...... and am running with it........

The tenacity required in my life is pretty ridiculous. After phone calls, orders placed, and answers given, a few household things are getting taken care of. I still need to call about my new ice maker not working right, but thankfully it is under warranty.

I have learned not to feel stupid if I need to ask a few questions for clarity or to understand what I'm hearing in the business world. I used to simply ask a man when I needed help; now I am relying more on myself again. More growing pains.........

Tonight I signed a lease for my last available rental and plan to put a rest to the "unrest" I have experienced. And tomorrow I will be doing an Open House from 1-3 in Topton during our Community Days event, so come out and see me! I am all about our local community because I know how special it is...........

The month of May has been pretty mysterious so far and we're 15 days in. In this week alone we've seen medics next door, dealing with a heroin overdose, along with the many issues arising in the school. I am not losing hope.............. but remain hope filled.

And I am willing to share.

See you again.

In the course of the past 3 days, I have heard of 3 young women whose lives are impacted by the use of heroin. As we have returned to our hometown, our hearts ache for the loss of innocence....... and long for restoration.............

I wonder many things: the why's and worries that would cause a young life to believe in a lie. One try leads to the next thrill, desire for adventure or something out of the mundane, ordinary lifestyle that is Berks County, Pennsylvania. Here it may be heroin; elsewhere, another choice made.

There are varying opinions on the cause of the problems, the root of the symptoms, and what course of action needs to be taken. I can only speak from my experiences, as I know the desperation felt when hope is needed, and there is no where to turn; you feel you are left on your own.

Or there is nothing to hope in........ except something higher and greater than my own problems..........

I understand what it's like not to know something until you walk through it and then, it's too late. There is no need for condemnation; the Holy Spirit does the work of conviction. I just need to be there........ to help pick up the pieces and push in the right direction. Perhaps it is from my loss I speak, but I would not let known issues lie without doing everything possible to push for change........... the "climate" needs to shift.

I am praying about the purpose in all of this, as you know I believe in the power of redemption. I am also challenged to know how to reach out and make a difference; loss has touched too many lives........

Those who participate, the enablers, and the crowd of witnesses, watching it all happen, such as at our local high school this week. Loss can create a callousness.......

We must bring back the light.

Suffering in silence.

When my kids were younger it was easier to take care of things for them. I was often exhausted but there seemed less to be concerned about. Life was simpler then, which I would not have believed at the time. We always had so much going on like most families, but fit in the most important stuff.

As they've had to grow up and become responsible more quickly than most, I know so much has been asked of each of them. That's not always the easiest thing for a mother to accept. From the outside, it may seem pretty simple: just work hard. On the inside, it is another story.

I would rather not have them be concerned with the things that concern me, but we are forced into team mode. It is an adjustment on many levels to live life when your dad is not around and do things for yourself, because you have too. There are plays, skills, and training required.

Learning to be part of a team is also an adjustment because it is much easier to be responsible solely for yourself and your own things. Independence is sought after, but this season in life does not lend itself to anything other than depending on each other........... that does get old......

After cleaning my rental and meeting the prospective new tenant, I headed home to begin my own housework this Saturday. Thankfully we had a team effort today, as schedules coordinated and we knocked out another load of stuff to complete as we get the house in order.
And thanks to my neighbor Bill for helping us mow again, saying he doesn't want to "see me suffer", LOL. All he asks for is our friendship........

Jordan was a weedwacking machine and took on my place and Bill's, while Austin works double shifts many days. He seems to have found his "destiny", with sales work calling his name smile emoticon Anyone who knows Austin's personality can see how this could be true grin emoticon

As I receive feedback from my "FB friends" for my posts, I feel as if I am a voice for the multitudes who do desire to be free but are not sure how to find it. I know that I have found a form of it and I'm not going to lose it; L.A. reinforced that for me................

Wishing forms of freedom and happiness to all my female friends this weekend.