Stay.

The beautiful thing with life is the gift of choice, in most things. I say this a bit "tongue in cheek", knowing the trials and tests I have walked through. But I believe with all sincerity. I have a choice to give or to take.

During this time of returning to our home for the holiday, I felt the positive effects of the choices I have been making....... and it was good. Even though daily I am challenged in areas that may lead to more change, I trust my vulnerability will lead me to victory........

While home, Logan was the lightest I have seen him in months; competition in every area in life in LA makes one very weary. And I do mean every area........ Good friends bring out the best in each other.... and want the best FOR one another.

Austin felt refreshed as well in his short time home; I can see what makes him thrive. On the way to Philly airport, he received a call with a job offer starting Tuesday:) He also has another interview set up for Monday at another local eatery. Making a move creates motion in life............

We get to have Jordan here another night as his flight back to SFO was delayed for more than 3 hours due to "high winds." I think something was telling him to "stay......" and will work for the best:) He'll be here until the 1st of December.......

As for me, I had several appointments to take care of, as well as business to do while home. Doing what is best for my family and myself is my utmost priority. I know I am ready to be "happy." I have quite a bit of thinking to do, as I face the potential of two choices to make, two paths to take that will affect all of us............

"Signal Fire" by Snow Patrol.

Taking flight.

Another Friday night passes and I'm doing what I often do - packing. This time it is not for a volleyball tournament the next day, but rather a flight home:) It feels a little bit like I am currently caught between two seasons in life and need the proper "preparation" for each place.........

The quest for independence has been an uphill battle. When one is used to living under the care or concern of another, whether a parent's watchful eye or partner in life, it is a very big adjustment to gain the gravity to hold your on. I was always taken care of, not in a life of "luxury" but with loyalty......

I now ponder the proper way to provide care for my growing kids, who want independence but are not able to be independent. When conflicts arise amongst us, I feel the same internal stress that hassled me in my marriage. I just want to be free.

Chynna and Austin will be roommates while we are away and until he flies home for the holiday, lol. I would rather spend the days with all my kids but I can't make it all work. She and Jordan will do volunteer work and hang here for a long weekend. Holidays here are not as special as we are accustomed to back East. To say Logan is excited is an understatement:)

Austin was serious about job applications this week and through online apps and in person, he made a lot of contacts. His future remains very fluid and we will see what opens up. He needs to get back home and out of this aimlessness.........

"Our survival instinct can prove to be our greatest source of inspiration."

Living in limbo is no fun.

Until a decision is made to move on in life, no matter if you're single, separated, an empty nester or widower, life is in limbo. I am between the two and can become indifferent, with apathy settling in before I can see it. It's as if I'm between "two opinions" and being asked to make a choice.

I have learned that the God I believe in does not change in nature or character; however, his plans can be altered. Paths and courses in life can be determined by my decisions. Until I make one, I am in limbo. I do not like that feeling because I need to put action behind my faith, because that is when I feel alive...........

Austin has begun searching for another job as we've determined he will not be going back to Elco next semester. At times, I know he feels a bit aimless, like many his age and we're trying to weigh out all his options. It can be challenging for me, who wants to see the best possible scenario for him. We are learning how to communicate better which requires a bit more patience on my part. I just have to trust a little bit more.........

It seems Chynna is the one who's been meeting those of "celebrity status" since coming here 15 months ago. The beach coach she's working with also trained Indoor Female VB Olympic player Logan Tom and the US Team as I understand it. She's rubbed elbows yet remains unfazed:)

Redondo Union, as well as other local high schools, have been receiving threats that seem credible this week:/ A police presence has been felt on campus but so far no shutdowns. I do appreciate how proactive the school staff has been, not disregarding any info. So tired of the threats we are facing in our own country..........

Upon moving here, there were concerns that we would get lost here, never to return. It is always with great anticipation that Logan and I plan to return to our home town for the holiday next week, and we're both making as many plans as possible:) I expect an energizing that comes from the East Coast.... which gives life to the rest of the nation.

Yesterday I made a decision which I will share in the coming months and one I've wrestled with for months. This will impact many; however, it will move me, us, from limbo into liberty................

Love and peace.

Darkness. Light. Decisions.

Since the beginning of November and the time change, it seems the "darkness" has come so much earlier than I'm ready for. It is dark in California by 4:44 PST and the effects on the body, mind, and spirit are similar to elsewhere in the country, where the weather is colder.

I naively thought there was sun, and "light", and good will that was lasting and year round. Probably a silly thought I know:) But that's kind of been my approach throughout life............. looking for the best in the worst of situations, and believing it will prevail.

When I first met John Hayes it was through texting, lol and an online professional connection. That was 18 months ago, and within a few weeks of meeting, I told him "my kids want to move to California." Without hesitancy, he was supportive. I knew he would help me get where I needed to go....... for this time.

In this process of repurposing my life, I have found very few that would stick as close to me as he has. He is a bright spot in the darkness that often surrounds; he always helps me find a way of escape when needed. Many more plans will be put into place in the coming months......... to move us where we want to be.

Our hot water heater was replaced today, and it's quite different being on the opposite side of a rental property. I can't say I like it......... but it does continue to affirm the quality, care, and importance we have placed on the property we own and personal interaction I provide to tenants.

As I fill the few places that have been empty, I am learning a lot about the business world. Doug and I agreed on many things, and disagreed as well. I realize the time change that has taken place and how very thankful I am for the quality work he has done, and how he prepared for our future.

Decisions are often difficult ones to make, no matter the scale or scope. Practically speaking, it's taken time for some fears to subside, allowing John in closer. Getting close to someone again is a risk I am willing to take, but that's taken time.........

The precious will not be found in the profane...... but in the peace you find.

Goodnight and Love.

The bitter to sweet.

A sore throat is going around a bit here and my daughter is being blamed for it, lol. She and Logan did, kinda sorta, share the same space:/ At the worst point, she was not able to eat anything nor digest it. The pain was not worth a tasty reward she determined.........

Many years ago, a certain man was told to go to a land where the population was rebellious, restrictive, and constrictive. Upon partaking of this place by divine order, he was carefully warned not to becomecareless or infected by a callus culture where he easily could have compromised............

I have learned a lot as it relates to what IS really important to me in life. It's been a lengthy process, having come out of 25 years of living in a life that at times, I didn't have much control over. After almost 18 months of having my life in SoCal feel much like that past, I believe I am finally ready to turn the page........

I continue to try to help guide my kids the best I can, as they process the ills of adulthood or adolescent lifestyles without a husband here. I was in tears last night over it but, I am however, blessed to have a new "partner" in John, to bounce ideas off of and gain wisdom from...... and talk football with 

During this experience, this certain man was asked to chew on and then digest words that would cause him sadness and lament. As he did so, the taste in his mouth would turn from bitter to sweet....... He had a lot to process and I'm sure he wondered if his whole experience even had a point, but the bitterness that could have broken his heart served to make his will as firm as flint........ and he was stronger for it.

Knowing what you want in life or need out of life is a very personal matter and one I've wrestled with. After chewing on the bitter for a bit, I think I continue to digest the harsh taste its left in my mouth, in a land of careless thought and ill intent. 
I am now craving the sweets........

"In My Place"

Tonight I am so tempted to go on a rant...... it's been that kind of day, week, month..... year actually. I continue to be amazed at what I am seeing, who I am encountering, and the callousness at which life is lived in Cali. I long for goodness.......... and good people.

I will refrain from ranting and raging but It is really, really tough to be positive in a negative environment. It seems the meaning of friendships, love, life and the meaning thereof finds no room in our current climate. To say I am conflicted is putting it mildly............

Toxicity in relationships takes on a variety of forms and I've run the gamut in my lifetime. There is the all out physical abuse that is seen, heard, and felt, and you know you need to get out. Knowing it and doing it requires great courage, support, and strength unimaginable to conquer the fears.

Mental games however, often go unnoticed but is just as powerful if not more, than physical battery. There is a wearing away of stability, a support structure, and most of all, sanity. You completely lose your life. In this land of images and idolatry, the one thing unadvertised is the insanity of it all....

So thankful for John Hayes, who is flying out for a quick visit tonight and staying for a few days:) Logan's looking forward to watching the Eagles game tomorrow with us, providing it's broadcast here:) He's got the Hallmark Channel on daily, playing Christmas movies, with a few candles lit. Anything to feel some "goodness" here.................

Many transitions are in the forecast for us as we remain unsettled.....but not unstable. There is a difference. Jordan is working on updating my blog with a new layout and format. I need to learn how to format my time now, starting my 3rd week of self employment:)

"How long must we wait for it........."

Highs and Lows.

SoCal experienced a bit of refreshing rains overnight which has ended a week of cooler temps and overcast skies. No matter where I am in life, I have learned there are times that seem "heavy," and the climate seems to speak to those physical highs and lows.

As we see the snowfall pics posted, it's so crazy how we connect to the change in seasons because there is a refreshing that comes. I see it so clearly. Logan is longing to see snow..... and it's a good thing he and I will be back for the Thanksgiving holiday! He needs his close friends and "real life........"

I've found to get past any type of homesickness requires we be in a new place for minimum of a year. That is sufficient time for an easily adaptable and flexible family to find real friends, feel some joy, and strengthen our resolve........... and perfectly position us.

My daughter has officially been given the job as a beach coach for MS girls, and will begin working with the Pepperdine coach. This man also trains and coaches AVP players Kerri Walsh and April Ross. Crazy stuff. "Your beginnings will seem humble........"

Logan's stitches are out, after 5 days with 5 blue stitches. Email contacts continue with high level schools which brings much needed energy to our resources. Our kitty Schmoopie slept in a box all day and Olive had a big day out with Austin that left her wanting more:) Meowing at the door.....

An "exodus" of sorts has begun since Fall, which I spoke of a few months ago; it's happening in various sectors and societies. I see so many being positioned and repositioned in this season. If change comes, embrace it; don't escape it. The time is now.

Go for it.

Running the race to win.

I like to live and thrive in a climate where I feel energized and can in turn, empower and encourage others. If I am simply surviving, it makes it very difficult to reach out to another...... and that is motivation enough for me to push past my own personal pain and find the path to victory.

As I have seen back east or west, no matter where I am the enemy of my soul will always try to pillage and plunder my life. Whether through emotions, arrogance, ignorance, or obstinance, I find I cannot become passive about receiving the recompense that is mine to possess...........

In order to receive the rewards, I have to first believe they are meant to be mine. I have a wonderful man in my life who has helped me through the countless trappings that beset a widow with the kind of responsibilities I have had. And yet, it's taken me time to receive what he brings to my life...

Three years in, I remain very respectful of Doug's passing and the race we are now running without him. We try to "forget what is behind and press toward what is ahead, we forge on....... towards the goal to win the prize for which God has called us to look heavenward....... We must push ahead to take hold of what Christ fought for, to give us." (Philippians 3)

Chynna is mostly on the mend and fever free, but fighting a sore throat still. Her life has resumed and she's back to coaching:) Her first boy's tournament begins Saturday in Anaheim, with promise of a new prospect as a beach coach:) She came face to face with Kerri Walsh in a Hermosa Beach cafe one week ago..... as she interviewed for a position.

Decisions are being made for Austin's future, as we look at colleges for 2015 and a new career choice. He enjoyed visiting with our one neighbor and daughters who are actually friendly; he and his guitar went to visit:) He's been riding bike a distance to catch the bus to Elco which had me concerned for a while, and after too many close calls, we are making other plans:/ New path and plan.

Just like in any race run or goal achieved, there are steps, many steps taken in order to arrive. There are no setbacks.... only setups (KC) to the next thing. My role is to see the steps needed to be taken to get where we are going..........

"Trusting God to make all things clear.......as we live up to what we have already attained." (Chapter 3)

Time and space.

“We've always defined ourselves by the ability to overcome the impossible. And we count these moments. These moments when we dare to aim higher, to break barriers, to reach for the stars, to make the unknown known. We count these moments as our proudest achievements. But we lost all that. Or perhaps we've just forgotten that we are still pioneers. And we've barely begun. And that our greatest accomplishments cannot be behind us, because our destiny lies above us.” Interstellar.

Looking to the heavens.

Rise up.

November 11 brings about two very special days to reflect and remember the heart of sacrifice.......... Doug's birthday has always coincided with Veteran's Day and this year would be his 56th, which for me, seems hard to imagine.......

Today the boys and I spent time together since both had off from school. We saw the epic movie "Interstellar," and I was moved beyond words. From the time span of over 3 years, I have seen so many dots connecting in life, gradually revealing this most amazing plan....... and purpose.

In day to day life however, it can be a struggle to keep that plan in front of me and my kids. Just a few nights ago one of my kids said to me that he/she feels "lost"........... Longing for the way things once were, even if imperfect. Yet we know we can never go back to the same place in time and space.

We can tell ourselves something is enough, even when there is no life left. The hope is for a "Lazarus" kind of moment..........

It seems Logan continues to heal after having his first night of VB practice with Surf since the stitches. I'm also hoping Chynna is now on the mend and fever free:) Perhaps my type of remedy has helped........

I have found when death hits a household, blame can soon follow after. This is almost as bad, if not worse, than the trauma of the tragedy itself.....

"The greater the destiny, the greater the determination has to be." (me)