Speaking my language.

Loss is all around us.... someone lets you down, walks away, or simply takes something special for granted. It is a universal language defined by multiple expressions outside of death. I believe this emptiness, largely ignored by society, can actually bring light and unity desperately needed.......

The irony of the life of Christ was just that; in spite of how much He gave to those He called friends and followers, He was met by doubters of His abilities, questioning His authority, and worst of all, betrayal. But He somehow found satisfaction in simply giving, dividing but unifying, and ultimately giving His life to benefit all others. I am challenged to live in such a way this Easter season............

I am super "busy" at times, just trying to keep, making ends meet, as many are. It is within those confines however, that I want to break through the limitations and find the energy to reach out, touch others, and learn to expand. On this 4th of the month, I reminded the kids of how much their dad learned to enjoy His life, even when all other things were pressing on him. I am learning those same lessons.......

I know the enemy of my soul wants me to feel "impoverished" and in "poverty", as if loss is meant to dictate my destiny. I choose to fight those feelings and not be overcome by them. I hope I inspire someone to do the same. We are meant to live for so much more than we know now.......

I hope to have a movie night with my youngest, as all others are out for the night:) This is really the first time that we are all together since 11/11 and not having to "work through" the loss. We are simply enjoying it....... and appreciating the moments.

"My dreams had to be bigger than my circumstances........" (Viola Davis) in order for me to see where I was, know where I am, to keep my eye on where I am going.

New life and light is coming this Spring.

Chillin out.

After any heartbreak, ache, or loss of love, the need to self protect becomes so natural, so strong. It is a natural instinct, one of survivors; those who go to great lengths to protect what has become very precious.
Until acquainted with grief on a deep level, it is difficult to define............

Rather than reaching out, isolation is much easier. There is little to risk in self protection; my risk is calculated and I must constantly choose to take it. I learned very quickly the importance of reliance on others and to make requests of another. Their response is not in my control..... unfortunately.

The only response I can control is my own which is easier said than done, but we have returned with a "chill out" attitude, lol. The heart can harden all to quick, and then the Lord in heaven has nothing to work with. And so, I choose to remain pliable, flexible, and adaptable....... go with the flow.

At the start of our second week home, my oldest son is adjusting to time zone differences with work connections. There are a lot of demands on his time, and further adjustments and flexibility is required of him right now, as he comes back into our home to spend this transitory season in his life.

He has stepped into rental situations in which I need help for now, as we map out a plan going forward. He is a gem and I never want to hold him back. That is the challenge with our loss we continue to navigate:/
There are no easy answers, but Divine Intervention I have come to count on.

As we move to end the month of March I have a feeling there will be a few things I will be faced with in which I will need to protect what is precious.....
Not everything in life brings me clear cut answers, most do not; however, I look for the faithful among the few.

Goodnight east and west.

Full of Light and Life.

So, it has been over one full week since we arrived back home and we have been running to keep up. When i am obedient to the call of God upon my life, things happen. I am aligned with a greater vision......... and exciting stuff ensues:)

I think the last of our boxes are now unpacked, and our house does not look like a tornado hit it. Anything that does not have a spot is now in my BR, of course:/ Jordan's small BR is prepped for paint, while he lives out of our Family Room. He's used to living out of suitcases so no big deal!

I spent the first day in over two years really cleaning my own house and I loved it:) Having a home, we have been reminded, is such a blessing. It's always been important to me to care for whatever space we lived in, but is even more special.........

As I wiped, cleaned, dusted, and rinsed, I thought of this spring season we have entered. Even when it appears nothing has changed, or only a tiny piece of life is sprouting through there is hope. With the Easter holiday upon us, even more so. We have entered a new season........

Reflecting upon holiday coming, I have determined that if in any area of my life I have "one foot in the grave", it is time I pull it out. If I am not feeling alive, challenged, and hopeful, then I am going to make a change. Change is necessary to precipitate opportunity! Stay the same, be stale.

Austin landed a job with a Red Robin in our locale which we are so glad to hear; he begins next week! The ball is rolling with his transfer to Kutztown University for the Fall as well. Chynna paid a visit to the NEQ in Philadelphia today, to network with other volleyball coaches and clubs.

My other two boys handled rental maintenance work for me and enjoyed a calzone from Fiore's for lunch, and met up with friends while at Weaver's Hardware nearby:) Having been away from our home territory has created a greater appreciation for those of us who spent time in SoCal:)

I am so thankful for the teamwork we have demonstrated in the family business in one week. We are taking back the territory and cleaning house as necessary. Filled my empty rental with new tenants for the next month, with a lot of hard work in a week, and long days. We are tired..... but determined. Please continue to pray for us......

Although we don't know how long this "new season" will last, we do know we are in the right place, at the right time. My kids have demonstrated faithfulness beyond belief, challenging any illusion of fear created. I am a proud mom.

I have a new attitude, full of light, life, and love to share! 
Join me on the journey!

Tornado alley.

Keeping my perspective in a world that seems to be spinning around me has required more discipline than I could imagine. I have been in a "boot camp" for mental toughness in the last 18 months, to be quite honest with you. I have come to learn the importance of this element to faith........

When taken or removed out of an impending, disastrous situation in the wicked city of Sodom and Gomorrah, initially Lot and his wife and family did not want to leave. They were hesitant to move out of their territory and into the unknown, even when they had been warned. They literally were pulled away.

Even though life had gotten so bad and the situation around them was deteriorating, they refused to see it. They chose to see with their own perspective, rather than that of a Higher Power. I have learned to always seek out what my Father in heaven has to say and see about a situation.because He has the potential to lift my vision to a higher place....

I could see where our situation was at; we could feel the unsustainability of the lifestyle we had become familiar with. In a sense, we were pulled out as well....... and back to our home. There is a sense of starting over, but that is what life has become about. New beginnings.... as often as is necessary.

I'm doing showings weeknights in hopes of finding a tenant very quickly for my rental home in the woods. I need to settle a few things and feel settled again as we take back our territories. Thankfully, the kids are able to give quite a bit of help right now and so we are pulling together.........

It looks like a tornado has swept through my home and does look as if we've just moved in, ha ha. Working to maintain my sense of humor through all of this grin emoticon 
Spackling and painting has begun on our smallest BR which Jordan will occupy before he moves his things in. We figure what's one more room to have to do, after tackling the rentals smile emoticon It will get done. There is a list of things I need, I want, and I will need to get, but stuff will have to wait.

It beats living in a 1-2 BR apartment.

Perspective. Hold it. Balance it. Pursuit it.

Real Life and Real People.

While on our travels eastward, we came across many different types of people. As always, I like to try to find common ground with cultures and characters, which did not exist in California, as you know. It is a world unto itself. Crossing the rest of the country however, was a special experience.

Our travels teach me so many things about myself, my nation, and multitudes of people. I highly recommend it. In an Oklahoma Welcome Center, something about our family allowed a simple stranger to share his heart on loss with us..........

I stood and listened as he shared of the loss of his 25 year old son, suddenly, and within 3 weeks, the sudden and shocking passing of his young brother in law. His speech was slurred and his language unique from my own, however, I understood him completely.

He had worked himself to the bone to avoid feeling the loss, while his wife stayed in her BR for 3 years. After his stroke, he was relegated to walking with a cane, changing his lifestyle, and working in the welcome center. He however, determined to LIVE, after feeling the sting of death......

He was an inspiration to me. The moments we shared were priceless........ and our travels another investment in the future. In order to multiply what I have inside and out, I have to share. If I shut myself off from others, I will shrink back. Fear is simply an illusion I must overcome....... to live life fully!

My first day at State Farm was prosperous, while Jordan was working for BAM from home. Tomorrow we upgrade our internet for his job and say goodbye to Windstream.... forever, I hope smile emoticon He is the consummate professional, even while living out of our family room for now, ha ha.

Chynna is pursuing building her base here in PA, and creating her business. Austin's been ambitious, tackling household things, and rental work. He's hoping to have a job soon, after landing a second interview at a local restaurant.

Determined to overcome..... smile emoticon

Desperation meets destiny.

As I traveled alone to Conestoga Valley HS for a tournament, I had time to think about the whirlwind 3 months I have had because I was finally still. Everything has changed.

Doing the right thing means a very hard thing may be asked of me or you. The rewards are a reality not necessarily seen immediately. Over time however, fruit is produced if I allow myself to be "pruned......." Anything good has got to go, to get the better.

I think in some weird way, it helps keeps me young. While I watched Logan and his high school team from Berks County, Pennsylvania, our decision to transition to SoCal was affirmed. He was on fire...... and I saw the fruit of our two year transition......... and congrats on the win guys!

A trophy will be placed in the high school and I will remember the many moments. The hard work. The sacrifices. The cardboard furniture. The flights and the long drives. Each of us has moments in life when our mental game needs to rise to the level of faith we are being called to.......

The 3 kids worked together today to finish installing flooring in my rental. Austin came through big, remembering how to lay it from years past with his dad. Jordan watched in awe, lol. It was impressive:)

Chynna's been spackling and together we changed a plumbing valve Friday. As Logan reiterates, "this has been my life since January", which is no exaggeration. Never did I think I could do this stuff, but never underestimate what you are capable of when desperation meets destiny.

I'm planning to write a new chapter in my life come April............ and look into publishing my first book.

Discipline your focus.

Big Benefits.

In relationships of all kinds, it takes an ability to adapt, a willingness to understand each other, and a heart very forgiving, to forge ahead. Some are so easily expendable, which I experienced in L.A. And then there are the ones that cannot be explained..........

In the almost two year period I transitioned, many hassles arose in which I had the option of abdicating my position (giving up) or rise to the occasion (finding strength). At times, decisions were made with tears and travail, but I made them because I do not do well in limbo.........

Perhaps the feeling comes from the loss, the limbo between life and death, the knowing and not knowing, it's a place I strongly dislike. For me, it's made me more forthright, fearless, and unafraid to make mistakes. I know time should not be wasted......... there is so much to do..... and be:)

After informing my kids we'll need to buy two beds, we discussed strapping a mattress to the roof of our cars and traveling cross country. That would be an adventure but one of the boys nixed the idea, LOL. The countdown to my L.A. flight is on, as I look forward to reuniting in the west.

Today's snow day was a big benefit for us, as my 17 year old son and I were ripping out carpeting and painting in a rental for five hours. I seriously can't believe what the days consists of, working with our hands......... rather than playing hard. 
Tomorrow we're traveling to checkout a few colleges and take in a volleyball game. I'll be navigating New Jersey on my own:/

In addition to reactivating my real estate license, I have the opportunity to work a part time job to bring in a regular income. Rarely can you find a place hiring FT these days, as to avoid paying benefits. I will start working again as soon as I return from L.A. I can never stay still..........

My book is prepared for a publisher. My family is returning. My business is keeping me very busy and will only increase in a good way. Not sure where my personal life is headed, but I am holding onto the promise...... of restoration.

"Your beginnings will seem VERY humble, so prosperous shall your future be." Job 8:7

Reminding myself tonight.

Frozen.

It was Logan and me, working together again, LOl. While we're shoveling, the other kids are shipping stuff, and trading pics of snow versus sand. It was an adventure to get out for gas to run the snowblower, which Logan handled well.

We moved me into my master bedroom and bath today, which gave me a bit of anxiety....... going back into a room I desperately want to renovate, mostly due to memories. Acclimating and assessing needs takes time we do not have because we have to adapt quickly, as is life for many.

It seems we will need two beds as soon as possible, or else someone's going to be sleeping on the floor again and it won't be Logan this time! We made headway in the attic, clearing a path, and seeing mostly items of sentiment up there:) It's nice to be back home.

My kids may each want to pursue their own possibilities which has happened over a period of time, but for now, they know they need to return. Their mother cannot keep up this current schedule and responsibilities on my own. I never have "down time", as I learn to deal with so many demands.

This lifestyle does not make room for a lot of "lovin" which causes a lack of patience by others:/ I am taking the path of David, the psalmist and King, who spoke to his own soul; the seat of his emotions. Much like he did, I must build myself up daily, when the onslaught of "how's" or "why's" come into question.

I had no idea how the two of us were going to get our driveway taken care of, but together we did it. It took a spirit of adventure to do so, but we risked it. David, who was just a young shepherd, had the calling to kingship and made sure to keep his soul aligned with his purpose. 
The uncertainties can't always be my problem; I just have to cooperate with a God who can make things happen........ and in a hurry.

Keeping it real in snow covered southeastern PA.

All in.

When recovering from a loss in life, it is so very natural to link anything else that feels like a loss to that former suffering. Even if one has moved on, that pain can linger, hidden deep within the seat of our souls. The only way I have found to find freedom from it, is to allow it to be exposed........

That kind of exposure is super uncomfortable, mostly because we are afraid we will find we have to make a change. That pain can become all too familiar; it becomes easier to nurture our wounds and tell ourselves lies, so as to not deal with reality. Sometimes a big dose of reality is what is absolutely needed to shake us beyond our suffering..........

My time today was very cathartic, as I hung out in my home, waiting for an appliance delivery. It gave me a chance to begin to change things up inside, pulling out decor that had been stored and take stock of what is left. I moved around furniture on my own and it was fun;)

The kids and I have a lot of plans to open up our home once again to family and friends....... and we will plan accordingly. Living in L.A. showed all of us what we need, want, and are responsible for. We have learned to live with little or much. Either way, life is about more than just "me....."

When given much or given little, it's all in the way it's handled and it is all in our hands. I will be expanding on these thoughts and more in the coming days on my newly revamped blog, almost ready to be released!

Jordan will be working remotely for his current company BAM, out of SF, when he returns to the east. He will now be "freelancing" officially, with a contract worked out with them. It is a blessing for him to return with this piece in place:) And it's only the beginning........

Logan and I again worked together to get the new dryer hooked up because the delivery guy failed to do so. Who knew the first time I would need to put a clamp thingy on to seal the dryer vent, it would be in my 40's and with Log's help?! 
We later searched through our basement shelves for supplies to work at a rental I have opening shortly. I plan to be there on my own this week to get started on the project, with Logan helping when he can. Talk about a new adventure....... Lord help us.

When I make a move based out of my "faith", if I have any doubts about it, the purpose of the plan is doomed. I have to be fully persuaded which is the meaning behind the word "faith." Fully convinced. If not, I leave myself wide open, and my wounds totally unable to heal.........

I am all in.

Snowball effect.

Logan and I returned from the Capital after a night at a high performance tryout in VB, and today's play. This trip has served as a reminder of how some things have changed in a two year period and some things have not. The lack of positive progression startles me.......

When we do things the way they've always done, we limit ourselves and the potential we can achieve, whether in sports, arts, faith, or the future. This is why parts of the East Coast get a bad rap. We don't have to be stuck or stagnant; but we do require flexibility.

I see I am now at a time in my life at age 46, when I will need to retrain myself and how I've learned to live. When sharing a 1-2 BR apt, with few supplies and basic necessities in the L.A. area, anything more than that feels like a luxury. I never stop learning or listening........ or growing.

Even after 3+ years, I can still feel those emotions of being overwhelmed; this can give way to anger and to the temptation towards self pity. I know I can't go to that place or even entertain those thoughts for long because they snowball; however, it is very real. 
Particularly when you don't have a say in the "separation....."

Logan and I came home to an empty house tonight since the move was completed today. My sister and her family can now begin the next phase of their life together, as they continue to recover from their own personal loss. I'll take some time this next week to see what I have left.

Jordan has begun the first of his farewells to friends in SF, reminding him of the great times he's had and friends he's made. I am so thrilled to know his adventures have only begun because of the opportunities taken. He is returning a man, which he has kinda reminded me of on occasion:)

There will be learning curves as we come back under one roof for the time being. My youngest has admitted he'd like his siblings around more often, so I'll be very glad to see that happen. It is a time of the exodus for us, but also a time of returning to the roots of who we are.

I have learned to cherish and appreciate all time spent together and plan for it even more. We take so many things for granted and mope and groan to much when we should just get up and do something that make the changes necessary to live life again.

I speak from experience, almost every single day........

 

Desperate in L.A.

Well, it's finally official: my baby got his Pennsylvania driver's license today! My life will suddenly shift again.........

In SoCal it wasn't such a big deal; kids aren't overtly anxious to drive for many reasons, and the parents I knew never seemed overly concerned. Here, we can afford a few cars, the gas to go in them, and typically a space to park them grin emoticon

Logan is extremely excited to have some more independence, but I did remind him that I still need him, LOL. In the course of a few weeks, life as we have all known it, will again shift into high gear. With my sister and her family moving in their new place, I will be starting over to a certain extent...

Chynna is busy in SoCal, selling the few pieces of furniture we retain there, while I begin unpacking shipped boxes early next week. Until i dig things out of the cold attic, the house will feel a bit empty, but I've learned to live out of boxes and have a few things out of place for a while.............. 
We have all learned so much in our lessons from the west.

Jordan sold his trunk last night, the faithful friend that held his life history for the past two years. He literally had almost everything he owned contained in that one place.... stories could be told of the moves they made together, LOL. The woman making the purchase felt it was a sign confirming her new adventure........... Imagine that.

Today was Austin's last day of restaurant work and he has begun the online application back here. He is heading to Oakland, CA and onto Sonoma, to meet with a few good friends he's made. It's one of his first big solo trips, a flight and then a bus, which will be good for him. I'm praying grin emoticon

As for me, I am following through on my self imposed deadline of book revising with my goal of finishing up this weekend in place. I look to be on track and then it's off to a publishing house! These are all big steps in an even bigger plan that I have set my sights upon. "All steps forward."

Desperation can be used as motivation or serve as a distraction. I guess L.A. brought out a bit of desperation in my soul, searching for more than I know, and learning I can always be more than I think. The same is true for you. Think small, see battles. Dream big, see better. I am pushing more than ever.......

I have learned there are options in life and there are always choices that keep us limited or living life. There may be one first step that needs to be made but that first step may get you to the next, and the next, and then a path becomes more clear.

I never have the full picture, but pieces that fit together.........

Goodnight Dreamers.