Growing to greatness.

"The future doesn't belong to the fainthearted, it belongs to the brave." 
(R. Reagan 1-28-1986)

Always remember the sacrifice....... and the potential for greatness.

Resilience is a remedy.

On the eve of 9/11, I think of where I was the morning news broke of such tragedy and trauma unfolding back East. I would predict that no one was prepared for such an experience that day; this unimaginable event would leave a mark on the soul of the nation........

The loss was collectively shared, as if we all experienced the same thing together. Responses. Reactions. Sacrifice. Heroism. Having experienced these differences on both coasts, I think I know what my second book could be........

As I spoke with Jordan today, he took my laugh as a good sign and I joked with him about my resilience..... I said "I'm like a rubberband, I bounce back." LOL. Even in experiences I would prefer not to have as part repertoire, I allow myself to be tested, whether in adversity or diversity.......

There was a time in the life of Job where the God he had put his trust in, allowed him to experience pain and suffering. It would seem like everything he went through was for no reason at all; however, the devil had made a deal with the Almighty. You see.... Job's favor had earned God's faith. He believed in the character of this mortal man......

Job probably thought he had a "good life" in his first half, with so many blessings and great experiences; however, there was more that awaited him. But first, he had to be tested, severely. His beliefs were ground down to the bare bones..... only to be built back up again. The second half, his second chance, brought about more than he ever imagined.

As I begin to really pursue and put in place plans to make things happen in my second chance rather than "suffering" through, I trust my experience will be as Job's..........

The impact of 9/11 will live on because I purpose to remember this life altering event, just as my personal loss. It is part of our legacy, meant to make us better....... not to tear me apart, but bless beyond belief......

Resilience is a remedy.

Facades, Finesse, and Feelings.

Funny the facade anyone can portray at any given time, through pics and purposeful words. I think for some, it comes natural; for others, there is a finesse. I've purposely never been good at it.......... and now, intentionally so. Let's be real.

I'll share a text with you that took place between one of my children and myself today............ and a window into the soul of this state:

"I feel numb and hardened here...... by the move and all the work I've handled, people I've met; it takes a conscious effort for me to feel.........." 
"You can't put feeling into most anyone or anything here without getting hurt so you just learn not to feel. The things and ones you really love bring it back......"

Tonight Logan signed the Letter of Commitment required by Southern Cal VB Association to play for the club, Manhattan Beach Surf or "MB Surf." With this move, come hard changes; his former team and parents made magic together. A few lifelong friends for Logan. We now see what lies ahead..........

September is a month of transition for me, as I move from my summer of finding and focusing on myself, to incorporating those freedoms into my everyday life. I even bought an exercise ball and band to use at home for my core:) Most of all, it's my mental game that's being strengthened........

As I pursue a writing career, more changes, disciplines and adjustments will be happening. I will keep you posted on the progress of my blog. The plans to expand the network is well underway. No matter the pressures, I am not giving up........digging my heels in yet again.

I know we now hug a bit harder, hold on a little longer, and love a lot larger now, and in our future, and as we find those we are meant to "love." 
Sharing a song with you tonight that speaks to my heart... now. Click the link and listen. Goodnight.

Time for new beginnings.

After a full year here, looks like we are back at "Square One".... Coldplay. It's a very good thing.......... a time of new beginnings.

There's a little piece of my heart I leave with each person, place or thing that has touched me or I have had the privilege of touching in the last few years, since my loss. I think I have learned to give more of myself away in each instance, rather than holding it back or withholding............

Because of my pain suffered, or your own perhaps, there is often justification for self protection. I, however, seem to have gone the opposite direction, even in the land of vanity and insanity. In all the lessons learned, I choose to "pour out my life as an offering......"

It is a conscious choice made to keep myself open, when the harsh reality of living here in particular, could turn my heart hard as stone. No joke. There is an apathy or indifference some would call "being laid back," but I know better. Passivity in its more perfect form.

After a weekend filled with VB tryouts, in a land where it is big business, we have made a decision....... we know where Logan will be playing in his second club season here. We know what we need to do. More details to come.

Jordan biked his way around Lake Tahoe and shared a few pics with me; he knows it's something his dad would've loved to try:) I guess we all have the same sense of adventure, go for it mentality, that kept him on the move throughout his life:) There will always be reasons and excuses NOT to do something........

My daughter looked very official at tryouts today as part of the Evolution Boys VB Club coaching staff for the upcoming season:) I'm very glad she's making inroads with good people and handsome guys, lol.

Time for a fresh start.

Refined by fire.

Whenever a dream is dreamed or a vision unfolds, there is always an "enemy" that will challenge it. Whatever the "enemy" is, I find it is usually connected to feeling a lack of something....... time, money, confidence, commitment, or faith. The list is unending.

Relating to a vision or dream, there WILL be a testing period, to see the level or lengths you will go to, to make things happen. There is a fine line to making things happen myself and/or trusting in the goodness of God. Even though I do everything I can do to be found faithful and to do my part, I have found His favor to be far better.......

Today Jordan and company headed to Lake Tahoe, to participate in a bike ride, at least 50 miles. His company pays for his participation in the trip as a "health benefit." My skinny Jordan is becoming quite buff:) He'll be back to work early next week; it's a quick trip.

Chynna's Vista Mar Girls JV team won their first match of the season Friday night, and she was very pleased:) Her hopes of giving private VB lessons and personal training continues to grow. Today she took Janelle Turner paddle boarding for the first time since moving here:)

We are thrilled that Austin finally has a bed and he was able to deflate the air mattress. It's actually a queen size with box spring he found out for trash, but in great condition:) Little by little, the styrofoam coolers he was using have been moved out of his BR. Now, I'm using them for storage....

Logan and I are being schooled in the Southern CA Club VB scene, second year in. It's kind of like a meat market, depending what club tryout you're at. You can feel the vibe and it's rough. Logan's maturity level allows him to handle the process well. He's had several offers come in from clubs he's only dreamt of playing with when living back east....................

The tests we've been through reveal character, cockiness, confidence or criteria; the internal is always revealed externally. I'm told there is a "goodness" we have brought to SoCal...... I know that cannot and will not change........ no matter the present culture.

Your support and love means the world to me; I don't know if I can truly convey how much you help get me through and motivate me...... Honest to God, I would never be able to do this. We have big plans and my ideas continue to flow......

It's time to get some new plans and make it happen......

Set your sights high.

Wow, it seems night after night, I could give you an update that would surprise even those who are not easily shocked. My prayer is to remain closely aligned with the will of God, no matter where it takes me...........

You may think you you have yourself figured out or know yourself pretty well, but it isn't until you are placed in a unique situation..... taken out of your normal life, in order to figure out what is at your core. Influences try to shake it, take it, and make it into something you are not meant to be.......

My youngest has said of our hometown back east, that "yes, there are things happening that aren't good, relating to drugs, problems, and stuff, but they are far worse here....." His perspective is full of wisdom.

He and I are not glorifying the past but become more and more grateful everyday for where we have come from. It seems that what he and I share, the mission that is meant for us in this current season of life, is purifying, refining, and changing what we are made of......... God help us survive it.

It is so tough for some people to put themselves in another's shoes, or even care to try. This type of care and concern is usually met with suspicion or laissez faire attitude in the west. There are no "problems" here.

I'm off tonight to LA with Logan, VB related; I barely have time to eat, drink, and get everything done in a day's time and I only have a small apartment?! With no lawn and little to take care of, many seem to live the lifestyle they want and dramatize it all.

C.S. Lewis wrote, “Aim at heaven and you will get earth thrown in. Aim at earth and you get neither.”

Dare you to move.

Remaining true to who I am, at my core, is proving to be some of the hardest and most diligent work I have ever done. Just as the land is dried out, even more so the heart and character of its inhabitants here ........ there is neither. And that my friend Dave, makes me angry...... people think this is normal.

No matter where one turns, there is a person who will speak pleasant words to your face, and proceed to stab you in the back. There is no love lost here; no trust established anywhere, and nothing substantial to put your faith in........ but can these "dry bones live again?" We will see.........

Fortunately, we are sensitive to the leading of the will of the Lord in heaven, and follow it as best we can. On this 4th day of Sept, 34 months after our loss, our faith lies squarely in the One who will not go back on His word, nor break faith or trust with us........ we have substance to hold onto.

My core is strong and this poisonous experience will not change who we are on the inside. If anything, it will make us just a little bit better:) After all, VB is therapy; it is not LIFE. We continue to be an enigma.

Club VB tryouts have begun, starting tonight and going through the weekend. Second year in, it's a whole new animal. I'm so impressed with my youngest, fiercely competitive and facing guys on the opposing team one day, but embracing each as fellow teammates the next. It is an amazing testament to his character and adults could take a serious lesson.

I continue to work out practical routines with Austin, as he's in full swing at El Camino Community College. He's chosen to set VB aside to focus on studies and soccer perhaps. He's trying to "find himself", while looking for a second job and searching for scholarships. So much responsibility falls to me........

Logan and i regularly talk about the atmosphere here, the desire for "refreshing" in this very dry climate, and the options we continue to have. We're in it together; neither of us are going to give up..... yet.

"I Dare You To Move." Switchfoot lyrics

Seasons in SoCal.

i learned today there are 3 seasons taking place in a 90 day period in Southern California - Summer, Fall, and Winter. I wondered how change can come so quickly in our journeys in life, and would I recognize its familiar feel. This "territory" is so new to me, still..............

It may surprise you to learn that change is resisted in SoCal as much as anywhere else in the country, and hardly what is portrayed. Another facade deconstructed.

Jordan was interviewed by an ABC 7 News crew Tuesday, as he, Chynna, and Janelle Turner made their way to the new Dunkin Donuts opening in Santa Monica:) Everyday brings about new encounters with locals, loonies, and those looking for anything but "love." That is the one thing missing.....

Today it felt as though I had something in my eyes, like irritants that did not allow me to see clearly and something I could not just rub away. After finally washing my eyes out in the evening, my vision became better. When I remove the irritants or "filters", I can see things for what they are..... and this demands a response.

It's become very clear to me that I need a new plan. I'm putting in 60+ hours a week with everything I'm giving time too, and that's not a social life or book writing. I have several "part time jobs" to make this all work, while keeping family members motivated and focused.

I find myself feeling more angry, as the actions of others always seem to impact my life.......... Logan and I are on parallel journeys.

I know the tide is turning; it's just a matter of riding out this current wave.

Laughter.

Since coming to L.A., we've had the pleasure of welcoming 3 friends from back home here to visit; Jordan's greeted a few in San Fran as well. Honestly, it's always such a pleasure to have anyone from back home stop by, much more special than we could imagine. This week brings us Janelle Turner!

Chynna met her at the airport, and we all met for lunch at Joe's, using Austin's 50% off employee discount yet again:) From there, Hermosa Beach for the afternoon and catching up on life back home and here.

Our PA home always was a welcoming one and we miss hosting friends and family:/ Tonight, Janelle shared in our very humble means here, gathering around our cardboard box, coffee table for dinner. A very special treat for us:)

At my age, most people want to enjoy what they've worked for; I haven't had that luxury yet, and it's easy to complain about........ particularly when most everything I held dear, I left behind.... except for one another. It sounds very altruistic but is just the choice I've made for now.

Our time with Jordan is always fun, and they're all getting to know John a lot better. Dating anyone other than their dad was a tough transition, for some of the kids more than others. I will discuss this more in the days ahead.......

It's been good to hear laughter in the apartment, when East Coast roots meet the West Coast lifestyle. In between those times, it's nose to the grindstone, feed to the fire....... and full steam ahead.

Sincere love to all

Ending.

As we countdown into September, a personal shift is being felt, as well as on a national and global scale. There is a need for direction in times of distress, as we know in a very personal way...... many are desperate for answers, help and honesty.......

I've come to think differently in terms of time..... people say "what if it's the end times" or "the end of time...." I have determined to live my life as if every day could be the day. Time is valuable, precious in fact; we waste it while others are wanting it......

This summer, my "separation" has been good; I've realized I finally have adjusted to being called Ms. Gehman, 3 years later. In the first year, I was glad to be known as a Mrs., but I have now found my identity, at age 45...... I know who I am.....

I have decided only the unselfish will move forward with me, as I pursue my dreams and plans. Unknowingly, I had set up goals, standards, and tests for anyone who wanted to be "special" to me, to pass. After a relationship of 25 years left me unfulfilled in several ways, I set a subconscious standard...... If I don't want to repeat the past, I must change my patterns.

John Hayes flew in Thursday night for a long weekend visit, and Jordan is flying down tonight from SF:) Cannot wait to see Jord; we need some refreshing in SoCal. He's like a breath of fresh air. He's going to need to switch his housing situation again:/ So when he returns that will be at the top of his agenda. Renting sucks.....

A word to the wise: "You're closer than you realize..... all you need is a key." (KC)

Gain.

Sometimes doing what is necessary for the sake of another has to be one of the toughest things ever undertaken. There's uncertainty in the letting go...... what lies ahead..... and of course, when free will is involved, the greater the risk and impact.................

Perhaps in losing my very personal and protected relationship of 25 years, I was jarred into a new reality.... and remedy for life. I now do not hesitate to embrace the change that needs to happen; I know I am not normal but hopefully helpful:)

As we enter our second school year in Redondo Beach, it's becoming apparent the sacrifices of the first, will prepare for the next. It's already shaping up to be a better year than last for Logan, and it's only the second day. He has learned so much.......... as have I.

I've been told by friends back home I should never play poker..... that's changed:) I know I need to be here to advance in many areas in my life, including business, personal, physical and most of all, mental. When taken out of your comfort zone, accelerated growth can happen, even in your 40's.

After our loss, I went from managing my household for 20+ years, into the workforce, in less than 5 months. Talk about change..... struggle...... and suffering, but I knew the time and opportunity were right. I had to go for it. I was given a position at a Prudential in southeastern PA and my new journey would begin.

There were times when tears were triggered, or emotions expressed in the office; I had so much to figure out and try to hold it all together...... I could've run away from the change, but I stayed. Because I did, I am only beginning to see those rewards.......

Sometimes you just have to go for it....... and ask yourself, what have you got to lose?