Three Years.

At this moment in EST, 3 years ago today, my kids and I drove home from a hospital near our home town...... having suddenly witnessed death and been wounded by it. We sat closely in our Toyota Corolla that night, the same vehicle we would later travel cross country in..... both times, we weren't sure if we would make it.........

It was because of this night, 11.4.11, that a stirring began..... and a call we could not run away from. Even in our hardest days here, then and now, there remains a depth of determination that not one of us can deny. This manifests in a variety of ways, and through each of our personalities........

Sometimes I think I see the ways it's impacted one of us more than another.... and then I see I am wrong. We have all been equally affected. What we choose to do with the "situation" requires some kind of motivation, for better or worse.

In the Book of Psalms, chapter 56, David speaks of the difficulties he had at a time in life where it seemed everything was after his happiness. I imagine this left him feeling as if he could hardly handle it all. In verse 8, he describes his belief that my God in heaven collects my tears, in a bottle and a book. He actually knows me......... He remembers you, me, us.......

I wondered if I would ever feel the same emptiness I felt the night of November 4th, and the answer is.... yes. I have. I am changed. I will never be the same. These emotions must serve my future and not aid my past. 
His intervention may not always come in my timetable or in the ways that I would like, but I do know one thing. It will come. He will come.

Three years later, my kids and I are spread out. Logan is at a Redondo Girls VB game with teammates, showing support to the girls on a big night. After hanging onto a Spanish project he had to do for the last two weeks, he chose to complete it today..... and appropriately so.

I leave you with this tonight.....after my tears are recorded, "then my enemies will turn back, when I call for help. By this I will know that God is for me. In God I trust; I will not be afraid. What can man do to me? For you have delivered me from death, and my feet from stumbling, that I may walk before God in the light of LIFE."

May the Lord be praised.

Life flashes.

There are feelings that I have that can be tough for me to put into words. As I flew out of L.A. airspace and across the country, it was as if the heavens opened up.......... and life returned. I could breathe again....... feeling unstifled and unconstricted.

My life parallels the journey I took this past Thursday into the weekend back home and a wedding I attended with John Hayes. I am betwixt two places, suspended in time and space, yet knowing where I need to be for now....

It was not until I sat in a traditional church, and listened to a Bride and her Groom make their declarations of love, that I felt some emotions I want to avoid. Suddenly, my life flashed before my eyes and I was seeing my own wedding day and then fast forward .........

I find myself to be way more cautious now, with the root of it feeling concerned with losing another one I invest my love in. I tend to put off dealing with emotions and questions that lead to more questions, or potential conflicts with the ones I love the most.

My last few visits to a church have also been the result of a death...... and that reality hit me hard; tears fell. I may not ever really go "back," but please don't lecture me on needing to go to "church", because that is not my intent in sharing this with you, but the reality many face and feel.......

It is very easily underestimated during divorces, deaths, or divisions. Either way there is a loss and the location at times is linked. It can end up being a place you never want to go back too.........These are my raw and unfiltered emotions of Fall 2014.....

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Thankfully Jordan came for the weekend to attend a work event, as well as hang out in the household. I missed him until last night; however, his sense of humor helped us tremendously. His presence allowed me to leave a bit easier for a few days.

After breakfast together, clothes shopping, and a power business meeting, he returned to San Fran tonight. He has become even more competent and intelligent, strong and courageous. He really did have to "find himself" in the big city....... and I had to bless him to do it.

New plans for the blog, posts, pics, and overall layout ofwww.houseofsecretsblog.com are underway, and breathed new life into me again. Wonder how those "oxygen bars" really work;)

This week my new schedule starts........... as I prepare to "Come Home" by One Republic.

Goodnight and God bless.

Beyond beliefs.

I am thrilled beyond belief to know how many "friends" I have tonight.... and sincerely thank each of you for showing me so much love:) I have known all kinds of love in my life, and yet there is so much more to learn, feel, and live out.

A snowstorm on this day 3 years ago in Pennsylvania, knocked out power and took down trees all over our area. Labeled as a freak storm, this was a disruption at best. For me, it was the ultimate interruption in my portion of the world.......... and a day I will never forget.......

During the heart wrenching days of posting my trips to welfare and the social security office, credit card declines, bills to pay, a service to plan, a rental home to finish, and the list goes,..... did I begin to see a new course being laid out just for me, right before my very eyes. Pain would lead to purpose, as long as I could trust my perception.

I never had any interest in writing as a young person, strongly disliked a diary or journaling and felt that communicating was kind of a waste of time. But now, here I am............ and have kind of stumbled into it..... or perhaps there was a time to write.

As I turn 46, I am a mere semblance of my former self and in my experiences, I now can confidently tell you who I am. This list happens to include a single woman, widow, and mother............. .

In the times and seasons that have followed, I ask God for mercy, knowing His unfailing love and great compassion are two traits I wanted most, and hoped to share freely........ This community has become my new "home."

Welcome to my Life. Share in my Love. You are Home.

10/29/2014

No silence for the soul.

Some days I think I want to give back my perceived "destiny" ...... to God, wondering if He's got the wrong person here. Times too trying, tasks so immense I can hardly fathom how to accomplish them. But then, I find a way to speak life to my own soul..............

I know how I felt when loss hit my heart...... knowing I was changed forever, and I would forever change the world for good. Those memories are burned within my being and imprinted upon the soul, the seat of my emotions.

This first week after leaving the real estate world in Cali, I am getting my own rental affairs in order. I've been running on fumes for several years, and now is the time to refuel. I need my ventures to run as a well oiled machine, for now and what is to come. You see, I have great ambitions....

I am filling the homes I have coming available and again the demand is great back in Pennsylvania. I have some pondering to do. I'm taking the early part of this week to put a plan into action.... and then I will WRITE. This will be my new "job" and I am treating it as such.

I will be heading back to the East Coast this week, for a weekend wedding:) Can't wait to see my family and perhaps friends if I can fit it all in! When you come to California most people think it's a place one will never want to leave........

In the past week, God has been speaking to me about joy, particularly relating to my little niece Ava Joy. The great lyricist David, in Psalms 51:12 says, "restore to me the JOY of your salvation and grant me a willing heart to sustain me." The word restore often implies the need to return that which has been lost.......

David is asking for help...... needing to return to a time of innocence and hope, salvation. He also needed help to remain where he is was meant to be, for as long as he needed to be there, and to find joy in it. I think his message is a universal one, as so many souls feel this condition..........

"There are things we can do, But from the things that work there are only two, And from the two that we choose to do
Peace will win, And fear will lose
There's faith and there's sleep, We need to pick one please because
Faith is to be awake, And to be awake is for us to think
And for us to think is to be alive, And I will try with every rhyme
To come across like I am dying, To let you know you need to try to think

I have these thoughts, So often I ought, To replace that slot
With what I once bought, 'Cause somebody stole
My car radio, And now I just sit in silence. " (Car Radio)

My soul cannot be silent. (KC)

The evolution of emotions.

Transition. A passage of time; a change in energy level, a movement or connection. Finally, a period of time in labor prior to the delivery or birth of new life. Each of these indescribable moments in time, easy or difficult, are meant to produce meaning, from the evolution of emotion.

In the past 3 years I went from feeling somewhat settled in life, into this transitory time, undergoing physical, emotional, and mental change at an exponential rate. I don't know quite where I'll end up, but I know it will be better than the place I began.........

My kids are impressed I am actually working out on my own, after making the mental shift over the summer that I am worth it. As I look at each of them, I am continually challenged by who they are and how they have been untouched by this idea of "image" in the land of vanity and insanity...

Jordan and I continue to connect on deeper levels as we dare to dream of expanding my blog and network of resources to help others......... He now has the knowledge, having lived in SF 18 months, to enable our growth on the web. As for me, my commitment remains firm. It is the time to write.

Perhaps it makes no sense to let go of a position at a realty firm which paid a little, but every little bit helps, right? As a widow and single woman, I need everything I can get. However, I came to the point where my faith was becoming futile....... I have to take action and answer the call on a greater level, and trusting for a financial overflow........

Tomorrow, a fresh focus.

A most memorable day.

My Austin is turning 20 today and we celebrate his birthday in SoCal this year. Last year he was at Messiah College, 3000+ miles away from us. I can hardly remember those days. I guess I do have a short memory which can work to my advantage.........

I remember specifically the day he was born. Doug was working feverishly to complete a basement we were putting in, in a very small house we lived in. I was having contractions and had two young kids to care for on 10/25, while he worked. We left the house, after much urging on my part, knowing the time was drawing close for delivery

It was the end of October when we brought our little peanut home, and had no heat in the house. I didn't realize how cold it actually was because I was extra warm when pregnant........ needless to say, the work accelerated to complete this long project we ventured into.

Since those days, Austin continually challenges me in ways I don't feel ready for, as he is my most expressive, impressionable, and emotionally charged child:) He brings passion and purpose to whatever he has in his heart to do at the moment, which can change any minute, LOL 

He's always taken to things I least expected and hobbies that require a great amount of patience I didn't know he had:) Things like fishing, hunting, painting, and reading........ actually most things he learned from his dad........... but thank God he gets his rhythm from ME 

He has, as we have discovered in the last 3 years, an amazing gift of expressing himself in ways that others can connect to, whether in writing, playing or composing poetic and musical lyrics. His future ambitions are coming together as we find a way to combine his natural talent with his nurturing heart.........

As we remain committed to each other in this process of recovery, I look back to where we came from in a small, little cottage continually under construction in the woods of Pennsylvania. Those were times of building character for me...... and things I never would have expected I would have to do......

If those days of character building in me can serve as stepping stones for my son's future, then Austin will know "the steps of a good man are ordered by the Lord," Your verse for this year..............Psalms 37:23

I love you.

Can I be happy?

Portions of Psalms 23 have come to life for me and even become quite precious in the last 3 years...... it's as if when hearing these poetic words, I feel the restoration meant for my soul....... and I know there are times of refreshing. Today was one such day.

While my family was tested by extraneous circumstances this past week and particularly last night, I often have a knot in my stomach when uncertainties arise. But then, as if to counteract the negative, there is an automatic response I now also have....... there is no flight, ONLY flight in me.....

I did not stare hell down through hardship simply to turn and flee, when the enemy of my soul attempts to do damage to those I love and the communities I care about. Speaking life is now my mission; THAT is the gift SoCal has given me..... and I have paid a price to get here.

I said farewell to my new friends at Prudential CA in Hermosa Beach today, soon to be Berkshire Hathaway Home Services. The name will be changing in a week, as well as the location, and after wrestling with God this Fall, I knew another change was on the horizon for me. I had to face it head first........

After training a new girl to take my hours and position there, I am now super excited to begin the next phase of my personal journey! Through this office, I have met so many interesting people who I now call "friends", to which I will be forever grateful. My manager, Mistydawn, gave me a chance........ and I thank you so much:)

I have been asked by the man closest to me if I can be "happy", to which I have replied in the past, "I don't know when or how...... or if" some days. That has been my honest answer; however, in seeking to follow the perceived will of God for my life, I remain hopeful.

John has been nothing but patient, kind, and supportive..... I am super blessed. The future will flourish and you will be fascinated...........

Goodness and love ARE meant to follow me (and you), and I think I may be finding just that..........

Promises are preservation.

So I'm finding out that apparently allergies do exist here in the west; I somehow was led to believe the myth of miraculous health here in SoCal, LOL. The Santa Ana winds are having their way and bringing similar symptoms felt back east:/

A bit of refreshing has come as coaches and colleges are responding to our emails sent regarding Logan's interest in a VB future:) Any amount of good news can carry us a long way...... it is what has preserved us this long after all:) For me, it's good to see Log smile again.........

Austin's back to biking to Elco for school this week, after a bout with a stomach bug. He's taking general ed courses this semester and is looking into a viable option for schooling elsewhere, as he determines what his major will be. He is feeling motivated and fighting the aimlessness of L.A.

My daughter continues to excel in her studies in personal training and fitness; she hopes to put her pursuits to work in a gym and gain experience. Her JV School team at Vista Mar continues to be successful, coming to a close of the season. She has made a positive impact and really enjoyed getting to know the girls team:) Coaching is in her future.....

And then there's Jordan....  He's settling into another new place, a room which is far more private than any before. Privacy is sorely lacking here and in NorCal; home ownership continues to be out of reach, as many his age are unfortunately finding out. It is not unusual to first marry in your 40s and limit the family size based on availability and affordability of housing..... I can hardly imagine.

For myself, since announcing my two week notice at Pru CA, my "time" has been taken up at a tremendous rate. While my husband and I had hopes for our future in rentals, I now work on maintenance schedules, showings, and continual communication with interested parties in homes I have coming available. It is fast becoming more than a PT job and I feel as if something has been preserved for me................

My promises...... they are my preservation.

All my love.

There are seasons where fulfillment seems to be found so freely; life flows from places you've invested in and all is well. When these seasons change, as is coming in the changing of time very soon, a shift is felt in the soul......

The resources that once fed and supplied "life" seem to dry up, and disappear, much like I and so many others have experienced. Is there any good news to share....... the answer is yes, unless you're looking to the wrong resources........ there are new voices to hear on the horizon.

Even in times of despair, the prophets of the Bible and those who spoke of better days ahead, believed in it. It seems that when women specifically felt desperate and practically destitute, a word of hope would come, even if in an unconventional way......

One widow was told after feeding the "future", her food supply would not run out. Another woman took the advice to gather jars and pour her last oil out, only to find her supply would not run dry. I am counting on these types of testimonies being replicated today....... and I am walking it out....

I still feel as if I can be taken advantage of as a female business owner at times; however, my strong support system helps to lessen the impact. I do know that in coming to California, I have learned to take my place and position, and push things I need to push for.

We do find we miss the change in seasons, and only in stepping away from the east, would we find that out:) Logan and I in particular, can't imagine another season away from home for the holidays......... and the snow LOL:)

My time with Prudential CA HB is coming to an end, as I began to train my replacement today. Another step forward.

Keep moving on with me:) All my love.