Tornado alley.

Keeping my perspective in a world that seems to be spinning around me has required more discipline than I could imagine. I have been in a "boot camp" for mental toughness in the last 18 months, to be quite honest with you. I have come to learn the importance of this element to faith........

When taken or removed out of an impending, disastrous situation in the wicked city of Sodom and Gomorrah, initially Lot and his wife and family did not want to leave. They were hesitant to move out of their territory and into the unknown, even when they had been warned. They literally were pulled away.

Even though life had gotten so bad and the situation around them was deteriorating, they refused to see it. They chose to see with their own perspective, rather than that of a Higher Power. I have learned to always seek out what my Father in heaven has to say and see about a situation.because He has the potential to lift my vision to a higher place....

I could see where our situation was at; we could feel the unsustainability of the lifestyle we had become familiar with. In a sense, we were pulled out as well....... and back to our home. There is a sense of starting over, but that is what life has become about. New beginnings.... as often as is necessary.

I'm doing showings weeknights in hopes of finding a tenant very quickly for my rental home in the woods. I need to settle a few things and feel settled again as we take back our territories. Thankfully, the kids are able to give quite a bit of help right now and so we are pulling together.........

It looks like a tornado has swept through my home and does look as if we've just moved in, ha ha. Working to maintain my sense of humor through all of this grin emoticon 
Spackling and painting has begun on our smallest BR which Jordan will occupy before he moves his things in. We figure what's one more room to have to do, after tackling the rentals smile emoticon It will get done. There is a list of things I need, I want, and I will need to get, but stuff will have to wait.

It beats living in a 1-2 BR apartment.

Perspective. Hold it. Balance it. Pursuit it.

Real Life and Real People.

While on our travels eastward, we came across many different types of people. As always, I like to try to find common ground with cultures and characters, which did not exist in California, as you know. It is a world unto itself. Crossing the rest of the country however, was a special experience.

Our travels teach me so many things about myself, my nation, and multitudes of people. I highly recommend it. In an Oklahoma Welcome Center, something about our family allowed a simple stranger to share his heart on loss with us..........

I stood and listened as he shared of the loss of his 25 year old son, suddenly, and within 3 weeks, the sudden and shocking passing of his young brother in law. His speech was slurred and his language unique from my own, however, I understood him completely.

He had worked himself to the bone to avoid feeling the loss, while his wife stayed in her BR for 3 years. After his stroke, he was relegated to walking with a cane, changing his lifestyle, and working in the welcome center. He however, determined to LIVE, after feeling the sting of death......

He was an inspiration to me. The moments we shared were priceless........ and our travels another investment in the future. In order to multiply what I have inside and out, I have to share. If I shut myself off from others, I will shrink back. Fear is simply an illusion I must overcome....... to live life fully!

My first day at State Farm was prosperous, while Jordan was working for BAM from home. Tomorrow we upgrade our internet for his job and say goodbye to Windstream.... forever, I hope smile emoticon He is the consummate professional, even while living out of our family room for now, ha ha.

Chynna is pursuing building her base here in PA, and creating her business. Austin's been ambitious, tackling household things, and rental work. He's hoping to have a job soon, after landing a second interview at a local restaurant.

Determined to overcome..... smile emoticon

Desperation meets destiny.

As I traveled alone to Conestoga Valley HS for a tournament, I had time to think about the whirlwind 3 months I have had because I was finally still. Everything has changed.

Doing the right thing means a very hard thing may be asked of me or you. The rewards are a reality not necessarily seen immediately. Over time however, fruit is produced if I allow myself to be "pruned......." Anything good has got to go, to get the better.

I think in some weird way, it helps keeps me young. While I watched Logan and his high school team from Berks County, Pennsylvania, our decision to transition to SoCal was affirmed. He was on fire...... and I saw the fruit of our two year transition......... and congrats on the win guys!

A trophy will be placed in the high school and I will remember the many moments. The hard work. The sacrifices. The cardboard furniture. The flights and the long drives. Each of us has moments in life when our mental game needs to rise to the level of faith we are being called to.......

The 3 kids worked together today to finish installing flooring in my rental. Austin came through big, remembering how to lay it from years past with his dad. Jordan watched in awe, lol. It was impressive:)

Chynna's been spackling and together we changed a plumbing valve Friday. As Logan reiterates, "this has been my life since January", which is no exaggeration. Never did I think I could do this stuff, but never underestimate what you are capable of when desperation meets destiny.

I'm planning to write a new chapter in my life come April............ and look into publishing my first book.

Discipline your focus.

Big Benefits.

In relationships of all kinds, it takes an ability to adapt, a willingness to understand each other, and a heart very forgiving, to forge ahead. Some are so easily expendable, which I experienced in L.A. And then there are the ones that cannot be explained..........

In the almost two year period I transitioned, many hassles arose in which I had the option of abdicating my position (giving up) or rise to the occasion (finding strength). At times, decisions were made with tears and travail, but I made them because I do not do well in limbo.........

Perhaps the feeling comes from the loss, the limbo between life and death, the knowing and not knowing, it's a place I strongly dislike. For me, it's made me more forthright, fearless, and unafraid to make mistakes. I know time should not be wasted......... there is so much to do..... and be:)

After informing my kids we'll need to buy two beds, we discussed strapping a mattress to the roof of our cars and traveling cross country. That would be an adventure but one of the boys nixed the idea, LOL. The countdown to my L.A. flight is on, as I look forward to reuniting in the west.

Today's snow day was a big benefit for us, as my 17 year old son and I were ripping out carpeting and painting in a rental for five hours. I seriously can't believe what the days consists of, working with our hands......... rather than playing hard. 
Tomorrow we're traveling to checkout a few colleges and take in a volleyball game. I'll be navigating New Jersey on my own:/

In addition to reactivating my real estate license, I have the opportunity to work a part time job to bring in a regular income. Rarely can you find a place hiring FT these days, as to avoid paying benefits. I will start working again as soon as I return from L.A. I can never stay still..........

My book is prepared for a publisher. My family is returning. My business is keeping me very busy and will only increase in a good way. Not sure where my personal life is headed, but I am holding onto the promise...... of restoration.

"Your beginnings will seem VERY humble, so prosperous shall your future be." Job 8:7

Reminding myself tonight.

Frozen.

It was Logan and me, working together again, LOl. While we're shoveling, the other kids are shipping stuff, and trading pics of snow versus sand. It was an adventure to get out for gas to run the snowblower, which Logan handled well.

We moved me into my master bedroom and bath today, which gave me a bit of anxiety....... going back into a room I desperately want to renovate, mostly due to memories. Acclimating and assessing needs takes time we do not have because we have to adapt quickly, as is life for many.

It seems we will need two beds as soon as possible, or else someone's going to be sleeping on the floor again and it won't be Logan this time! We made headway in the attic, clearing a path, and seeing mostly items of sentiment up there:) It's nice to be back home.

My kids may each want to pursue their own possibilities which has happened over a period of time, but for now, they know they need to return. Their mother cannot keep up this current schedule and responsibilities on my own. I never have "down time", as I learn to deal with so many demands.

This lifestyle does not make room for a lot of "lovin" which causes a lack of patience by others:/ I am taking the path of David, the psalmist and King, who spoke to his own soul; the seat of his emotions. Much like he did, I must build myself up daily, when the onslaught of "how's" or "why's" come into question.

I had no idea how the two of us were going to get our driveway taken care of, but together we did it. It took a spirit of adventure to do so, but we risked it. David, who was just a young shepherd, had the calling to kingship and made sure to keep his soul aligned with his purpose. 
The uncertainties can't always be my problem; I just have to cooperate with a God who can make things happen........ and in a hurry.

Keeping it real in snow covered southeastern PA.

All in.

When recovering from a loss in life, it is so very natural to link anything else that feels like a loss to that former suffering. Even if one has moved on, that pain can linger, hidden deep within the seat of our souls. The only way I have found to find freedom from it, is to allow it to be exposed........

That kind of exposure is super uncomfortable, mostly because we are afraid we will find we have to make a change. That pain can become all too familiar; it becomes easier to nurture our wounds and tell ourselves lies, so as to not deal with reality. Sometimes a big dose of reality is what is absolutely needed to shake us beyond our suffering..........

My time today was very cathartic, as I hung out in my home, waiting for an appliance delivery. It gave me a chance to begin to change things up inside, pulling out decor that had been stored and take stock of what is left. I moved around furniture on my own and it was fun;)

The kids and I have a lot of plans to open up our home once again to family and friends....... and we will plan accordingly. Living in L.A. showed all of us what we need, want, and are responsible for. We have learned to live with little or much. Either way, life is about more than just "me....."

When given much or given little, it's all in the way it's handled and it is all in our hands. I will be expanding on these thoughts and more in the coming days on my newly revamped blog, almost ready to be released!

Jordan will be working remotely for his current company BAM, out of SF, when he returns to the east. He will now be "freelancing" officially, with a contract worked out with them. It is a blessing for him to return with this piece in place:) And it's only the beginning........

Logan and I again worked together to get the new dryer hooked up because the delivery guy failed to do so. Who knew the first time I would need to put a clamp thingy on to seal the dryer vent, it would be in my 40's and with Log's help?! 
We later searched through our basement shelves for supplies to work at a rental I have opening shortly. I plan to be there on my own this week to get started on the project, with Logan helping when he can. Talk about a new adventure....... Lord help us.

When I make a move based out of my "faith", if I have any doubts about it, the purpose of the plan is doomed. I have to be fully persuaded which is the meaning behind the word "faith." Fully convinced. If not, I leave myself wide open, and my wounds totally unable to heal.........

I am all in.

Snowball effect.

Logan and I returned from the Capital after a night at a high performance tryout in VB, and today's play. This trip has served as a reminder of how some things have changed in a two year period and some things have not. The lack of positive progression startles me.......

When we do things the way they've always done, we limit ourselves and the potential we can achieve, whether in sports, arts, faith, or the future. This is why parts of the East Coast get a bad rap. We don't have to be stuck or stagnant; but we do require flexibility.

I see I am now at a time in my life at age 46, when I will need to retrain myself and how I've learned to live. When sharing a 1-2 BR apt, with few supplies and basic necessities in the L.A. area, anything more than that feels like a luxury. I never stop learning or listening........ or growing.

Even after 3+ years, I can still feel those emotions of being overwhelmed; this can give way to anger and to the temptation towards self pity. I know I can't go to that place or even entertain those thoughts for long because they snowball; however, it is very real. 
Particularly when you don't have a say in the "separation....."

Logan and I came home to an empty house tonight since the move was completed today. My sister and her family can now begin the next phase of their life together, as they continue to recover from their own personal loss. I'll take some time this next week to see what I have left.

Jordan has begun the first of his farewells to friends in SF, reminding him of the great times he's had and friends he's made. I am so thrilled to know his adventures have only begun because of the opportunities taken. He is returning a man, which he has kinda reminded me of on occasion:)

There will be learning curves as we come back under one roof for the time being. My youngest has admitted he'd like his siblings around more often, so I'll be very glad to see that happen. It is a time of the exodus for us, but also a time of returning to the roots of who we are.

I have learned to cherish and appreciate all time spent together and plan for it even more. We take so many things for granted and mope and groan to much when we should just get up and do something that make the changes necessary to live life again.

I speak from experience, almost every single day........

 

Desperate in L.A.

Well, it's finally official: my baby got his Pennsylvania driver's license today! My life will suddenly shift again.........

In SoCal it wasn't such a big deal; kids aren't overtly anxious to drive for many reasons, and the parents I knew never seemed overly concerned. Here, we can afford a few cars, the gas to go in them, and typically a space to park them grin emoticon

Logan is extremely excited to have some more independence, but I did remind him that I still need him, LOL. In the course of a few weeks, life as we have all known it, will again shift into high gear. With my sister and her family moving in their new place, I will be starting over to a certain extent...

Chynna is busy in SoCal, selling the few pieces of furniture we retain there, while I begin unpacking shipped boxes early next week. Until i dig things out of the cold attic, the house will feel a bit empty, but I've learned to live out of boxes and have a few things out of place for a while.............. 
We have all learned so much in our lessons from the west.

Jordan sold his trunk last night, the faithful friend that held his life history for the past two years. He literally had almost everything he owned contained in that one place.... stories could be told of the moves they made together, LOL. The woman making the purchase felt it was a sign confirming her new adventure........... Imagine that.

Today was Austin's last day of restaurant work and he has begun the online application back here. He is heading to Oakland, CA and onto Sonoma, to meet with a few good friends he's made. It's one of his first big solo trips, a flight and then a bus, which will be good for him. I'm praying grin emoticon

As for me, I am following through on my self imposed deadline of book revising with my goal of finishing up this weekend in place. I look to be on track and then it's off to a publishing house! These are all big steps in an even bigger plan that I have set my sights upon. "All steps forward."

Desperation can be used as motivation or serve as a distraction. I guess L.A. brought out a bit of desperation in my soul, searching for more than I know, and learning I can always be more than I think. The same is true for you. Think small, see battles. Dream big, see better. I am pushing more than ever.......

I have learned there are options in life and there are always choices that keep us limited or living life. There may be one first step that needs to be made but that first step may get you to the next, and the next, and then a path becomes more clear.

I never have the full picture, but pieces that fit together.........

Goodnight Dreamers.

Defending the court.

In preparation for Logan's impending driver's exam, he's been practicing parking on occasion. Today, I became a human cone for him; the things I won't do to see him succeed:/ He's given me a few other suggestions that I've nixed, LOL.

Our trip to Hershey last Friday for the High Performance VB tryout has paid off! Logan is 1 of 12 guys chosen to represent the PA region in a national competition in Des Moines, Iowa this summer. He is one of two Liberos chosen, with his teammate Gabe being the other. So thankful.

This will be his first official title as Libero which he plans to pursue in his college aspirations. His defensive skills were honed by his assistant coach in SoCal, the US National Team Libero Alfie Reft. During a time of testing in this recent season, we continue to hold onto redemption in his life.........

There are seasons in life that are just hard sometimes, and as you know, I felt this a lot in the last two years we traveled. I knew there was a reason for the testing however; there was a transition we all had to make. We made the choice to leap; we chose to take the calculated risks. Had I ever thought I made the wrong decision, those choices would all be in vain......

I know we are all very different people in our returning to the east. I know how important connections are, and how many are just waiting and anticipating............... We make all kinds of excuses as to why we don't do something or we fear it, and those mentalities for us are all gone.........

Our transitory move simply made the way for us which took courage, but once we got there, we had to force ourselves to integrate, innovate, and adapt. I have to believe I have options to see those openings. I must know that I need to make the most of opportunities, and if they are not there, pray for them. They will come..... if I obey His will.

I'm working on income tax prep this week with my appointment coming shortly, looking at my financial situation again, and what my options are. Even though I could be very concerned, I want to rise above it all. I do not want to be held captive by situations that can change suddenly........

Much like Logan's position on the volleyball court, there's a defensive stance that must be taken...... and in life.

He always is ready and prepared for whatever comes, whether easy or hard; he's got to get to where he is needed because a team is counting on him. There's got to be an aggressiveness and authority on the court, associated with the position. There cannot be timidity or a lack of confidence because too much is riding on it. He cannot be willing to give up his "territory," but command it. Trust. Talent. Confidence. Support.

And like with most things I speak of associated with loss, it requires making the first "move........"

The Simple Things.

This weekend contained some big things after I marked what would've been my 27th married year. I feel the connectivity of time as moments are marked in my memory over the years. Where there are few climate changes, time stands still and is stagnant to me.

In spite of this cold, Logan and I are finding adventure in the snow, sometimes "off roading" on the road:) There are weather related hassles everywhere, just for different reasons. Having no water or precipitation is a big bummer, but there's no right or wrong. The sun does not make one superior............. and neither does the snow.

We trekked to Hershey in the cold on Friday and carried a few boxes and totes into my sister's new home nearby, in Saturday's blowing snow! They are very efficient packers and seem to have this down to a science. The bulk of it comes this weekend, but on the way back to my house we found another adventure:)

With Aidan in the backseat and Logan driving, we saw two lost dogs running the street in the snow, with no collars or tags. We couldn't help but try to round them up, so as Logan ran 1/4 mile after them, I followed in the truck. We were finally able to get them to come close. It was a picture!

These two pit bull/boxer dog mixes were the sweetest things and tried to come sit in the front seat with me. After they later jumped into the back, we rounded up the rest of the kids for the remainder of our snowy adventure. It was perfect! I didn't know what I would do with these dogs, but we knew we could not abandon them when they needed help.............

We could have been afraid, fearing their breed and the rumors we've heard but carefully and cautiously we stepped in to help. And so it is with life..... You can't plan such a thing........ or work the time into your schedule........ you just have to fill the need when the time arises........

Just as we mapped out our plan, I turned right onto a road that put me on a path with who I perceived to be the owner. I followed her closely and she was soon reunited with her pet friends. She gave Logan a big hug for helping, as she mentioned to us that most people are afraid to get close because of their reputation........ We are not "most" people.

There is nothing like a fresh coating of snow to revive our senses and make us feel alive and alert. Perhaps it can even awaken our sense of adventure and I think a lot needs waking up around here! Having said that, my daughter has officially announced she's returning to the east and to everything she loves dearly smile emoticon

I think we've tried to appreciate the times, situations, and seasons each have afforded us in life.

Simple moments. Snow falling. Sun shining. Special people. East and West. The countdown is on.

True to myself.

Being true to myself can be an uphill climb.

Just when I think I've reached a place to stop and "rest," I look around and see where I am. It pushes me to keep moving. 
That one step is only temporary and affords few comforts, with little to hold onto; I guess it pushes me to climb higher.................

I find I get tired and want to "settle." Simply because I wish for it to happen, does not mean it has happened, and I push myself a little further. Everything within my soul wants to settle but it does not seem like that kind of season in my life so far.

As I contemplate another road trip which will bring us all back home, I really can't imagine making the journey again. The thing getting me through is the adventure it will be with 3 of my 4 kids. Can't believe I've crossed the country more times in two years than my whole life..........

There's a kind of promised preservation that has come for me through my faith, at least that's how I look at it. I can't always explain it, but I know it. I feel it. I see it. It can be very easily undermined if it isn't protected and I've learned to be vigilant.

My youngest challenges me all the time, not with his words, but his actions. He chooses his battles wisely and counts the costs of his choices. His temperament is a true test of his character, which has always been tested like few others. I am blessed to be part of his life.......

One thing I am counting on is that more fun will return to my life, as the drive from L.A. will begin in 20 days. My kids will remind me to be true to myself, what matters, and my convictions. Imagine, kids challenging their parents. I wonder how many of us actually listen when that happens........

Goodnight. .