Beyond beliefs.

I am thrilled beyond belief to know how many "friends" I have tonight.... and sincerely thank each of you for showing me so much love:) I have known all kinds of love in my life, and yet there is so much more to learn, feel, and live out.

A snowstorm on this day 3 years ago in Pennsylvania, knocked out power and took down trees all over our area. Labeled as a freak storm, this was a disruption at best. For me, it was the ultimate interruption in my portion of the world.......... and a day I will never forget.......

During the heart wrenching days of posting my trips to welfare and the social security office, credit card declines, bills to pay, a service to plan, a rental home to finish, and the list goes,..... did I begin to see a new course being laid out just for me, right before my very eyes. Pain would lead to purpose, as long as I could trust my perception.

I never had any interest in writing as a young person, strongly disliked a diary or journaling and felt that communicating was kind of a waste of time. But now, here I am............ and have kind of stumbled into it..... or perhaps there was a time to write.

As I turn 46, I am a mere semblance of my former self and in my experiences, I now can confidently tell you who I am. This list happens to include a single woman, widow, and mother............. .

In the times and seasons that have followed, I ask God for mercy, knowing His unfailing love and great compassion are two traits I wanted most, and hoped to share freely........ This community has become my new "home."

Welcome to my Life. Share in my Love. You are Home.

10/29/2014

No silence for the soul.

Some days I think I want to give back my perceived "destiny" ...... to God, wondering if He's got the wrong person here. Times too trying, tasks so immense I can hardly fathom how to accomplish them. But then, I find a way to speak life to my own soul..............

I know how I felt when loss hit my heart...... knowing I was changed forever, and I would forever change the world for good. Those memories are burned within my being and imprinted upon the soul, the seat of my emotions.

This first week after leaving the real estate world in Cali, I am getting my own rental affairs in order. I've been running on fumes for several years, and now is the time to refuel. I need my ventures to run as a well oiled machine, for now and what is to come. You see, I have great ambitions....

I am filling the homes I have coming available and again the demand is great back in Pennsylvania. I have some pondering to do. I'm taking the early part of this week to put a plan into action.... and then I will WRITE. This will be my new "job" and I am treating it as such.

I will be heading back to the East Coast this week, for a weekend wedding:) Can't wait to see my family and perhaps friends if I can fit it all in! When you come to California most people think it's a place one will never want to leave........

In the past week, God has been speaking to me about joy, particularly relating to my little niece Ava Joy. The great lyricist David, in Psalms 51:12 says, "restore to me the JOY of your salvation and grant me a willing heart to sustain me." The word restore often implies the need to return that which has been lost.......

David is asking for help...... needing to return to a time of innocence and hope, salvation. He also needed help to remain where he is was meant to be, for as long as he needed to be there, and to find joy in it. I think his message is a universal one, as so many souls feel this condition..........

"There are things we can do, But from the things that work there are only two, And from the two that we choose to do
Peace will win, And fear will lose
There's faith and there's sleep, We need to pick one please because
Faith is to be awake, And to be awake is for us to think
And for us to think is to be alive, And I will try with every rhyme
To come across like I am dying, To let you know you need to try to think

I have these thoughts, So often I ought, To replace that slot
With what I once bought, 'Cause somebody stole
My car radio, And now I just sit in silence. " (Car Radio)

My soul cannot be silent. (KC)

The earth is speaking.

When losing someone, the phrase "laid to rest" is often said as part of the tradition, terminology and language used to bring about closure. Ironically, just the opposite happens.........

The farewell process does anything but that. If anything, seeking "closure" brings about more questions...........
Without some kind of solid foundation to stand upon, or firm footing to handle the hardship, you will be hard pressed to process it all and you will lose direction, easily.

An unsettling fog rolled into Redondo Beach tonight, wrapping up a bit of a rough, hot weekend. We'll be moving into the first full week of October, and I'll continue walking towards my future and what brought me here. I will need more courage.............

Because of the transitory move made and my discoveries of real life here, I feel a sense of numbness......... it's as if I have emotions but I'm not "feeling" anything. I'm feeling the impact of the culture, climate, and the careless nature of SoCal; what is acceptable here, is not acceptable.

My mentality has had to shift, much as the earth shifts under our feet on a regular basis. It's as if the "earth is speaking........" So many are concerned with the climate, cruelty to animals, killing or not killing a bug, paper vs. plastic, but are completely careless with humanity. The "core" is what is wasting away..........

When there is indifference in life, there is a lack of passion, for anything. Everything becomes the same, much like the "seasons." You can only try to guess what time it is in life, if not tuned into the true Divine Authority, the Creator.

For our family, nothing was laid to rest; a whole new life seemed to begin.... and we've only just begun....... God help me.

"It was an impossible battle which is why I had to fight it. Survival isn't enough; you have to live."                                                                                                               Once Upon A Time

Divine plans and order.

When one or more you love suffer loss or pain unneedlessly, each expresses it differently. Even if it can be part of their personal growth, it all remains very difficult to deal with. As a mom of a son who witnessed the worst possible thing ever in losing his dad, I have a special place in my heart for him........

Having 3 other kids who shared the pain, as well as help uncover the purpose of loss, have forever been changed and challenged......... Even almost 3 years in, I will continue to do whatever it takes to help each realize their futures do exist. Perhaps a mother's love or the determination of destiny........

One of mine needed to go as far away as possible to escape familial responsibility; another always had a craving to chase after her dreams. One son, a bit more volatile and emotional, is the heart of the family...... and my youngest, well, he has made the most of every opportunity given to him.

I find it important to reevaluate life and decisions regularly because I will always want and do the best possible thing for the kids...... not for myself and not because of peer pressure. We follow a different flow......

I do find myself extra sensitive to dehydration while here in this extra dry climate. It's hard to imagine seriously worrying about a "water shortage" for years and years, if living here permanently. The lifestyle of renting in the South Bay and NorCal lends itself to never feeling settled..........

Austin is fighting off an ear infection for the past week, so it may be time for a doctor visit:/ His new job at The Loft Hawaiian is going well and will need to fit in, following his school schedule on weekdays. After implementing a few new plans, he is coming along well. although it is tricky without his own car:/ We have no plans to make a big purchase here because of countless scammers in SoCal.

Chynna's team won an Indoor Tournament today and she's very excited about going to Nationals in 2015:) I may just have to make a visit there. I wish we would've known then what we know now; she could've gone far in this sport after high school but trusting in a divine order and plan. Now could be her time:)

Sometimes lessons learned can be gleaned in a short amount of time. When the Spirit of God is involved and dreams are revealed, time becomes irrelevant. Age does not matter. Fear is not a big factor. I find what used to take 20 years, can be learned in 2. Crazy stuff........

Setting up plans for the next six months. Exciting days are ahead.

Investing in Life.

Most days, as we go on in our lives in this new place, we rarely take the time to remind ourselves of where we have come from. There are glimpses, but unless I stop, reflect, and speak the progress out loud, it's easy to forget. There is no one here that remembers..........It is my job to remind.

There are no reference points, no moments in time to refer back to except those that have marked the last 14 months. As we continue to put our faith in the God we believe in, with His Spirit moving us along, we are moving faster than I expected. Time frames are flexible and we remain fluid.........

Since our loss, it seems we are learning faster and more furiously than ever. I have never seen or experienced anything like this; it is inexplicable. Perhaps this is what redemption feels like........ your background, history, choices, or mistakes don't matter. We all are offered a fresh start, at any point. Mine happened to come after a loss.......

We spent part of the day with Logan's HS Beach Team for Redondo in competition. Logan and partner Sean-Michael came up with a big win which will allow them to play in a special Doubles Competition next week. This was a very good day.

This sport brings us back to center, and ironically, keeps us grounded. It serves as a reminder........ the only familiar thing. While some may be self serving in their desires, I hope to use this as a platform.........

Chynna began classes, in preparation for her next phase..... as a personal trainer. We caught a glimpse of this a few years ago, and now with her business degree, coaching opportunities, the time feels right to pursue it. She has a few "followers" already, wanting her training.

Undergoing a transformation often happens during a transition time, between the time of "coming and going." This is definitely not the easiest season to be present in because of the "seed sowing", hard work, gut wrenching decisions, and painful process it takes. But in the end, the harvest will be worth it......

"Where you invest your love, you invest your life."

Separation is sweet sorrow.

If a separation from a partner occurs, whether in love, loss, or life, there is an automatic emptiness. The one who occupied the place of existence is no longer present, and there are countless things to walk through.... and work through. Both require motion at a time when it's easiest not to "move."

These few years after losing my partner have flown by and as it turns out, I'm managing far more separated than I did together. I often waited on him for answers, decisions, and actions. It now is all mine to tackle. Knowing who to go to for help, and better yet, getting a good response has allowed me to grow immensely.

Many years ago I joked that I would one day manage a "growing empire," and most days, if feels as if I'm being groomed........

We continue to evaluate my 19 year old's choices for his future, as he's at a crucial age in decision making and debt. As a single mom, I am the co-signer on college loans and so, every decision becomes an important one. It has to be thought out, well planned, and properly executed. 
As frustrating as it can be, I remain committed to helping him find his way through and into a prosperous future.

In the next few months, my daughter's student loans are going into repayment which requires us to be ahead of the game yet again. Plans need to be made and budgets taken into consideration. I have spent more time on the Sallie Mae website and consulting a financial friend the last few weeks than in the past few years...... I am forcing myself to understand the whole process..... even though I could shut down my brain.

Tonight Logan and I spoke with a recruiting company in which we can put valuable tools in place for him to be found and considered as a student/athlete. I saw new life in him, hope for the hard work he's put in many years. I am again, committed to his process in every way; I can't afford to be tired................

While I share with you the "realities" regularly faced, I also testify to the goodness of the God I believe in Him. Days when I feel I can't read another paper or answer another email, I somehow find the strength and determination to do so.

The tough times, dry days, and weeks you may spend wondering what "life" is all about...... you should know that if your heart is willing, He will use everything in your present to prepare you for your future....... it is an amazing sight to behold as His glorious plans continue to unfold........

Sweet dreams to all.

Water is life.

For anyone who knew my late husband, you probably remember him to be filled with boundless energy. He went hard until he dropped, literally, into bed, at night. That was really the only thing that slowed him down. I wondered how he could do it; something had to energize him.

I've pretty much dropped into my bed this week, zapped of energy, not from working "hard", but feeling drained......

Because of the magnitude of our loss, I find myself less tolerant of wasting time, and more conscious of the time I spend on people, places, or things. I know I don't want to feel drained for nothing. I want to feel energized, and this is supposed to be a creative place........

Truth is, the creativity flows when there's LIFE. "In the beginning God 'created'...." He began with something that was empty, and dark, and had no form or shape, but the Spirit hovered over the waters and thus it all began. When there is no 'water", there is no LIFE........

After a full year, we have now experienced every season in SoCal. and there is little that changes here overall. Big surprise to me. With most everything remaining the same, you would never know there is "change" upon the country elsewhere.

Holidays are less festive and easily forgotten without a seasonal change. It's crazy. The atmosphere, environment and surroundings really do create the overall feel of celebration, creation, and declaration or not.

Jordan returns from a corporate gathering held in Las Vegas early in the week. A highlight of the week was a helicopter ride to see the Grand Canyon, hence the picture below:) To say he was treated well is an understatement. He continues to stand out and be recognized as a leader, creator, and designer in his field. I continue to be very impressed........ and grateful.

We all continue to grow here, in His favor, grace, obedience and love. Lord willing, we will create with imagination and abounding energy..... from the life we have been given.

"Salvation spring up from the ground."

Imagining and innocence.

Imagine a town where any which way you turn, trust cannot be found.......a place where everyone seems to have an angle....... this is not fiction but reality found. Even my business savvy, wise and well traveled friend John has never encountered anything like this.......

Keeping innocence during daily life and difficulties should show strength of character and the depth of hope in a person. I am determined to retain ours, even on days when a few tears are shed, not in mourning, but because of what is missing here....... if they only knew.............

I am in for a few important transitions as I plot our course for the next few months. The first year+ here, was all on me...... now, it seems, I may receive some "aid." I continue to let myself be stretched and impressed by my friend John's, willingness to stretch with me:) Sharing vision for the future.......

I became accustomed in less than 3 years since his passing to feeling like I have to do "everything" myself. It happened suddenly but has felt like forever. In marriage, I became cautious of letting myself count on my late husband because of all the demands on his time..... and I'd be left disappointed.

Now, I proceed more cautiously in some ways, and am slowly allowing John to "help" me. He is far more wonderful than I could ask for, and I am learning to adapt, accept and trust, without the fear of loss in my heart.......

If my innocence is tainted, my whole perspective can be colored. My life story can take a different course. History will be altered for myself and my children. When skepticism enters, perception becomes skewed. I honest to God have fought to maintain purity of heart.....in order "to see God." (The Sermon on the Mount)

My children and I are on the same page going forward. We know what we have to do............. and expect to see some pretty amazing things:)

Resilience is a remedy.

On the eve of 9/11, I think of where I was the morning news broke of such tragedy and trauma unfolding back East. I would predict that no one was prepared for such an experience that day; this unimaginable event would leave a mark on the soul of the nation........

The loss was collectively shared, as if we all experienced the same thing together. Responses. Reactions. Sacrifice. Heroism. Having experienced these differences on both coasts, I think I know what my second book could be........

As I spoke with Jordan today, he took my laugh as a good sign and I joked with him about my resilience..... I said "I'm like a rubberband, I bounce back." LOL. Even in experiences I would prefer not to have as part repertoire, I allow myself to be tested, whether in adversity or diversity.......

There was a time in the life of Job where the God he had put his trust in, allowed him to experience pain and suffering. It would seem like everything he went through was for no reason at all; however, the devil had made a deal with the Almighty. You see.... Job's favor had earned God's faith. He believed in the character of this mortal man......

Job probably thought he had a "good life" in his first half, with so many blessings and great experiences; however, there was more that awaited him. But first, he had to be tested, severely. His beliefs were ground down to the bare bones..... only to be built back up again. The second half, his second chance, brought about more than he ever imagined.

As I begin to really pursue and put in place plans to make things happen in my second chance rather than "suffering" through, I trust my experience will be as Job's..........

The impact of 9/11 will live on because I purpose to remember this life altering event, just as my personal loss. It is part of our legacy, meant to make us better....... not to tear me apart, but bless beyond belief......

Resilience is a remedy.

Time for new beginnings.

After a full year here, looks like we are back at "Square One".... Coldplay. It's a very good thing.......... a time of new beginnings.

There's a little piece of my heart I leave with each person, place or thing that has touched me or I have had the privilege of touching in the last few years, since my loss. I think I have learned to give more of myself away in each instance, rather than holding it back or withholding............

Because of my pain suffered, or your own perhaps, there is often justification for self protection. I, however, seem to have gone the opposite direction, even in the land of vanity and insanity. In all the lessons learned, I choose to "pour out my life as an offering......"

It is a conscious choice made to keep myself open, when the harsh reality of living here in particular, could turn my heart hard as stone. No joke. There is an apathy or indifference some would call "being laid back," but I know better. Passivity in its more perfect form.

After a weekend filled with VB tryouts, in a land where it is big business, we have made a decision....... we know where Logan will be playing in his second club season here. We know what we need to do. More details to come.

Jordan biked his way around Lake Tahoe and shared a few pics with me; he knows it's something his dad would've loved to try:) I guess we all have the same sense of adventure, go for it mentality, that kept him on the move throughout his life:) There will always be reasons and excuses NOT to do something........

My daughter looked very official at tryouts today as part of the Evolution Boys VB Club coaching staff for the upcoming season:) I'm very glad she's making inroads with good people and handsome guys, lol.

Time for a fresh start.

Ending.

As we countdown into September, a personal shift is being felt, as well as on a national and global scale. There is a need for direction in times of distress, as we know in a very personal way...... many are desperate for answers, help and honesty.......

I've come to think differently in terms of time..... people say "what if it's the end times" or "the end of time...." I have determined to live my life as if every day could be the day. Time is valuable, precious in fact; we waste it while others are wanting it......

This summer, my "separation" has been good; I've realized I finally have adjusted to being called Ms. Gehman, 3 years later. In the first year, I was glad to be known as a Mrs., but I have now found my identity, at age 45...... I know who I am.....

I have decided only the unselfish will move forward with me, as I pursue my dreams and plans. Unknowingly, I had set up goals, standards, and tests for anyone who wanted to be "special" to me, to pass. After a relationship of 25 years left me unfulfilled in several ways, I set a subconscious standard...... If I don't want to repeat the past, I must change my patterns.

John Hayes flew in Thursday night for a long weekend visit, and Jordan is flying down tonight from SF:) Cannot wait to see Jord; we need some refreshing in SoCal. He's like a breath of fresh air. He's going to need to switch his housing situation again:/ So when he returns that will be at the top of his agenda. Renting sucks.....

A word to the wise: "You're closer than you realize..... all you need is a key." (KC)

Gain.

Sometimes doing what is necessary for the sake of another has to be one of the toughest things ever undertaken. There's uncertainty in the letting go...... what lies ahead..... and of course, when free will is involved, the greater the risk and impact.................

Perhaps in losing my very personal and protected relationship of 25 years, I was jarred into a new reality.... and remedy for life. I now do not hesitate to embrace the change that needs to happen; I know I am not normal but hopefully helpful:)

As we enter our second school year in Redondo Beach, it's becoming apparent the sacrifices of the first, will prepare for the next. It's already shaping up to be a better year than last for Logan, and it's only the second day. He has learned so much.......... as have I.

I've been told by friends back home I should never play poker..... that's changed:) I know I need to be here to advance in many areas in my life, including business, personal, physical and most of all, mental. When taken out of your comfort zone, accelerated growth can happen, even in your 40's.

After our loss, I went from managing my household for 20+ years, into the workforce, in less than 5 months. Talk about change..... struggle...... and suffering, but I knew the time and opportunity were right. I had to go for it. I was given a position at a Prudential in southeastern PA and my new journey would begin.

There were times when tears were triggered, or emotions expressed in the office; I had so much to figure out and try to hold it all together...... I could've run away from the change, but I stayed. Because I did, I am only beginning to see those rewards.......

Sometimes you just have to go for it....... and ask yourself, what have you got to lose?