Three Years.

At this moment in EST, 3 years ago today, my kids and I drove home from a hospital near our home town...... having suddenly witnessed death and been wounded by it. We sat closely in our Toyota Corolla that night, the same vehicle we would later travel cross country in..... both times, we weren't sure if we would make it.........

It was because of this night, 11.4.11, that a stirring began..... and a call we could not run away from. Even in our hardest days here, then and now, there remains a depth of determination that not one of us can deny. This manifests in a variety of ways, and through each of our personalities........

Sometimes I think I see the ways it's impacted one of us more than another.... and then I see I am wrong. We have all been equally affected. What we choose to do with the "situation" requires some kind of motivation, for better or worse.

In the Book of Psalms, chapter 56, David speaks of the difficulties he had at a time in life where it seemed everything was after his happiness. I imagine this left him feeling as if he could hardly handle it all. In verse 8, he describes his belief that my God in heaven collects my tears, in a bottle and a book. He actually knows me......... He remembers you, me, us.......

I wondered if I would ever feel the same emptiness I felt the night of November 4th, and the answer is.... yes. I have. I am changed. I will never be the same. These emotions must serve my future and not aid my past. 
His intervention may not always come in my timetable or in the ways that I would like, but I do know one thing. It will come. He will come.

Three years later, my kids and I are spread out. Logan is at a Redondo Girls VB game with teammates, showing support to the girls on a big night. After hanging onto a Spanish project he had to do for the last two weeks, he chose to complete it today..... and appropriately so.

I leave you with this tonight.....after my tears are recorded, "then my enemies will turn back, when I call for help. By this I will know that God is for me. In God I trust; I will not be afraid. What can man do to me? For you have delivered me from death, and my feet from stumbling, that I may walk before God in the light of LIFE."

May the Lord be praised.

Hell's fury to Heaven's glory.

I realized something today that now seems glaringly obvious. I think stagnancy feels like death to me............ and yet it is all around me........ It's like I have developed a sensitivity, aversion and negative reaction to it, almost beyond my control. I actually detest it. We are meant to "move."

I have to be part of a living, breathing community more than ever before. As I sat in a gym Wednesday night, waiting for a girls VB game to end, I had to smile. These 8-10 year olds were having so much fun, passing the volleyball. I miss the smiles, screams, and fun. My heart connected and I felt energized........

Jordan has moved into another place in SF, and Chynna continues to try to make ends meet, renting her room in Redondo Beach. Housing here has opened their eyes. The boys and I are together, thankfully. I have the most time with Logan b/c of travel time, and I cherish the moments......

I believe the separation in the 3 years that we've had, not only from losing their dad but in a sense each other's presence, is meant to bring us to maturity. These experiences have grown us up in ways that being together would not have. In some ways, loss has taken us through hell's fury and hopefully into more of heaven's glory............

After 14 months in SoCal, I finally felt like I had "real" conversation today, from the most unexpected place. As my business colleague discovered my story, and what precipitated our transitory move west, she got quiet. As I opened my heart, she could share hers, telling me how cancer has touched her life just this year....... a rare moment I'm cherishing. It was meaningful. 
My soul finally felt like it was filling up....... and I know I am made to do this.

The "strongholds of duty," whether to family, friends, or coworkers, can keep you from taking the next step and moving on in your own life. Duty will stop you from your destiny because it's easier to stay put......

This week I made a decision to leave my current position at Prudential CA in Hermosa Beach. It was one I wrestled over for weeks, but know it is the right thing, at the right time and season in my life. I have the support I need to step out, taking another leap into what I ultimately want to do..............

Stay tuned in. Love and Hope.

Not willing to compromise.

Today, I am FINALLY able to share with you my precious, new, baby nephew Dillan, the newest family member:) (see family pic below) He's joined us early September, and my brother and Marie walk courageously through the process of domestic adoption.

I am thrilled to be a new aunt and MUST get home to visit! THIS makes me happy............ LIFE. When I don't feel LIFE around me, I am seriously unhappy, particularly since going through loss. I want nothing to do with anything that isn't life giving.... nothing. Period. On this, I will not compromise.

Last night, I heard Chynna and Logan discussing healthy recipes with John, who likes to do the job of life sucking grocery shopping and cooking ..... a godsend to me, lol:) Etched in their memory are my words from many years ago, when I said "I don't mind cleaning, if I could have someone cook for me".......I had forgotten.

I've been to Kohl's 3x this week with a 30% off coupon, buying and returning because of wrong sizes, ha ha. Logan has grown so much. His first indoor club practice was Weds night and felt very energizing. Life.

He and the RUHS Beach team are playing in a Pairs Championship tomorrow, in the heat of Fall, 93+ degrees:/ Today, at least one SoCal school let the kids out early because of "excessive heat". No comment:)

After knowing what we've been through and surveying the lives of friends and family members, I think it's easy for anyone to thrive, given the "right conditions." Perfect life, abundant finances, great job, good grades, strong heritage, yada yada. Anyone would do well......

It's those of us, however, who when tested to the limits, and pushed to the brink, come out shining, strong, and so much more capable than when we first started...... that's when redemption draws nigh. Resurrection is seen. New beginnings are created.... over and over again. There are no limits!

Go and find it.

Water is life.

For anyone who knew my late husband, you probably remember him to be filled with boundless energy. He went hard until he dropped, literally, into bed, at night. That was really the only thing that slowed him down. I wondered how he could do it; something had to energize him.

I've pretty much dropped into my bed this week, zapped of energy, not from working "hard", but feeling drained......

Because of the magnitude of our loss, I find myself less tolerant of wasting time, and more conscious of the time I spend on people, places, or things. I know I don't want to feel drained for nothing. I want to feel energized, and this is supposed to be a creative place........

Truth is, the creativity flows when there's LIFE. "In the beginning God 'created'...." He began with something that was empty, and dark, and had no form or shape, but the Spirit hovered over the waters and thus it all began. When there is no 'water", there is no LIFE........

After a full year, we have now experienced every season in SoCal. and there is little that changes here overall. Big surprise to me. With most everything remaining the same, you would never know there is "change" upon the country elsewhere.

Holidays are less festive and easily forgotten without a seasonal change. It's crazy. The atmosphere, environment and surroundings really do create the overall feel of celebration, creation, and declaration or not.

Jordan returns from a corporate gathering held in Las Vegas early in the week. A highlight of the week was a helicopter ride to see the Grand Canyon, hence the picture below:) To say he was treated well is an understatement. He continues to stand out and be recognized as a leader, creator, and designer in his field. I continue to be very impressed........ and grateful.

We all continue to grow here, in His favor, grace, obedience and love. Lord willing, we will create with imagination and abounding energy..... from the life we have been given.

"Salvation spring up from the ground."

Light.

Perhaps I've given you cause for concern, as I dig into the emotions of the "moves" we make but I am an inquisitive type. I will always search to find answers to my questions...... but I'm feeling a little bit like King Solomon at the moment.

I read how this man of great wisdom and knowledge was perplexed at the pleasures, toils, and pains in life. He speaks of times and seasons, activities and experiences, and came to no real conclusion. In the end, much of life was "meaningless."

Following his observations, however, he went on to write the Song of Songs... one of the most beautiful, "love" chapters written. Perhaps his observations helped him discover the real meaning in life. To love and be loved..... wholly, fully, and passionately. If I'm honest, that's what I want from my second chance......

My second fitness class was tonight, working on my core and strength. This parallels my life at the moment. I've determined to push myself as hard as I can go, which is up to each individual in the class. Again, such is life. I'm determined to see a difference in this 9 week period, taking me to the end of summer......

Being transparent is a choice I make. It means I "have thoughts, feelings, or motives that are easily perceived and unmistakable." Transparency "allows light to pass through so that objects behind can be distinctly seen," making meanings clearer. Many seek, few find. We crave it, yet negate it.

"Let there be Light."

Empowered.

I guess moving out of my comfort zone, literally and figuratively, has brought me to this place of evaluating who I am going to be. I know I've said it before, but there are many layers that have been stripped off of me....... and more peeling away.

Had I stayed in the same place, this unveiling would not be happening, at least not in the accelerated way I'm experiencing. As Chynna shared pictures from up to 6 years ago, I am astounded but the kids even more so. I am not the same person. So weird.....

I needed Chynna to give my Ford Escape a jump this morning because it wouldn't start. I made it to work, changed afternoon plans and headed home to meet a AAA technician who came to diagnose my car battery. The highlight of the day was being mistaken for a college student, lol:)

I made a "new friend" in the driver, who later gave me his "real name" and number because he knew we're new to the area. He's married, so no worries:) Thankfully, it was only the battery and nothing more; got a new one and all fixed up again.

Lots of really personal things happening in my heart...... and the "dead battery" is kind of a picture of a new "power" I need to proceed. I've been running on enough to keep me going, but it's time to be fully charged and functional. It turns out, I needed my daughter's help yet again.......

She's flying back East tomorrow and we are super excited for her:) It'll be the longest we've been separated since I arrived here October 1. I know this trip will invigorate her, and she will bring that great energy back to us:)
I hope many of you can say hi to her at the Rumble!

It won't be long now...... goodnight.

Father's Day

Another holiday has passed... this one being a bit tougher than others. I felt a bit cranky this morning and had to choose to focus on the good memories we have of the father to my children...... one young VB coach whose father is no longer living, told Logan "this is his least favorite holiday."

The good grows with the bad; sowing and reaping, timing and turmoils, as spoken of in the Book of Matthew. Lessons and layers were shared in parables; mysteries woven in everyday analogies.... just like in my life.

We didn't speak of my late husband much at all today, but rather focused on other things. There may always feel as if a piece of life is missing..... no matter how much time goes by.

Today we celebrate my dad and the guys in our family who have been great fathers to my nieces and nephews. We miss you all everyday. Your kids are the light of my life.......

Chynna will soon be back on the East Coast and is counting down the days til her flight takes off. Austin's job is going well and today he made a good amount of tips:) We found a $30 bike for Logan to get to the beach with. No grass grows under his feet:)

I find the atmosphere and "environment" around me can affect emotions and experiences. That's part of why I want to continue to create and foster one of inspiration and motivation. I've had the opportunity to share more of myself with others which keeps me dreaming bigger and reaching farther than seems possible.

One coworker recently challenged me on my goals, my two year window while Logan is still in school, and when his SS income will run out. I'm always on a deadline.... my friend said "instead of letting the wind take you wherever it will, set your sails in the direction you want to go."

I can control my destiny...... through direction and determination.

Steadfast.

As I read the sentiments of my kids on this special evening, I have many thoughts of my own. Even though we're new at navigating this journey, you can see how moments are never forgotten. The kids never ever lose count of the days....

I reflect on my knowing that this was not a one time event, but a life changing moment that happened in minutes; one prepared for me long ago...... nothing out of the hand of my Father in heaven who understands far more than I.

You never know what you're ready for until you're forced to rise to an occasion, or face defeat. Most have that overpowering fear..... what if life isn't what I want it to be..... then what. We are living proof there is life beyond loss, and a hope that defies any odds stacked against it.

This song and beat flow with the rhythm of my heart right now..... Enjoy.

OF MONSTERS AND MEN LYRICS - Slow And Steady

Lyrics to "Slow And Steady" song by OF MONSTERS AND MEN: The lights go out, I am all alone All the trees outside are buried in the snow I spend my night danc...

AZLYRICS.COM

Preparation.

Coming to California was by far one of the hardest things we've ever done. In so many ways, we've come so far.... in other ways, we have a long way to go. With the right elements coming together at the right time and season, "magic" can happen..... for anyone.

Sometimes you know you need a change in life but you just don't know what to do.... I always say you have to do something. Nothing will change if I don't change. I don't expect people around me to do what only I can. I will always be disappointed if my faith lies in another person.

June began in a big way and only two days in. Lots of plans to expand going into summer. I will be adding more content to my posts at houseofsecretsblog.com, as well as finishing the first draft of a book I'm working on. 
Be passionate about your purpose; persuaded beyond the preparation it takes to get further. In just one day, everything can change.

Tonight we celebrated Logan's first season as a Redondo Seahawk, in a crowded room at H.T. Grill in Redondo Beach. I think our teams have the best looking group of guys, as well as great looking coaches:) This has "never ever happened before" was a phrase coined this evening.

Our decisions felt affirmed tonight, as he earned his first Varsity letter in the west, along with his Scholar Athlete Award. His time will come in a big way going forward; hard work does eventually pay off. We're very thankful for what lies ahead, rather than being passionate about the past.

Lord willing.....

http://photos.dailybreeze.com/2014/05/photos-redondo-volleyball-logan-gehman/

Calling.

King Solomon realized that life comes and goes, there are cycles and seasons to it. To know the time and season is far more valuable than anything, and perhaps made him glad he asked the Lord for wisdom, when he had the opportunity to ask for anything......

He came to realize all things had been done before; nothing new was under the sun. Experiences and ecstasies would come and go. If life brought forth futility, then making the most of it and finding meaning in it was a mystery to discover.....

Life will never be what it once was.... there's no going back to former glory or reliving special moments. We can only make new memories and create the moments we want.

The past few months have brought about a realignment for me, facilitating more internal changes, visible externally. I've decided to figure out how to dig deep and really see what I'm made of..... and not fear what I find......

I've faced the fears of being alone, while fighting the loneliness of this new place. You can feel those pangs in the most populated of places..... I've turned my angst into activity, even doing a "mini work out" with Logan tonight. He remains disciplined and my personal game plan is taking shape.

Chynna returned from reffing, ready to workout herself. Her specific words were "I'm so ready for a fight after reffing", which happens most every weekend, lol:) Parents are unbearable sometimes. She will begin training more regularly at Olive Garden this week, her immediate plans for the future.

I'm glad to say Austin's been able to find work at a local restaurant in the Redondo Marina area! He may even have to sing or dance, during his duties as Host. If all goes well, he'll be in his element:) Plans to begin school in the Fall should proceed, but for now he'll earn some money:)

As we approach another 4th of the month this coming week, my youngest echoed the sentiments of a song playing tonight. "Why am I the one?" Reflecting on events in their young lives he said, "I didn't choose this life..... but this chose me."

A calling we answer.

Sights.

Traveled into San Diego County this week for VB with Logan's Redondo Union High School Team. We drove about 1 1/2 hours south of us, traveling near or through places I'd only ever heard of, like Laguna Niguel and San Juan Capistrano. I can hardly believe the sights.....

Chynna even had me driving into Camp Pendleton to find a Dunkin Donuts her map app took her too! She was pretty excited until I reached a young, handsome officer and tried to explain why we were trying to drive through the gates:)

Carlsbad High School was the destination for a quarter final match, on a quest towards a state title. The team had a big win in 3 games, taking us to a rematch with the #1 team in the nation, Huntington Beach Thursday night:)

Traveling in all different areas of the state is giving us a pretty good feel for the landscapes and lifestyles....... it is enlightening.

Goodnight and love to our hometown.