The dream lives.

"And so even though we face the difficulties of today and tomorrow, I still have a dream. It is a dream deeply rooted in the American dream....... I have a dream today."

This portion of a speech was made by a man who is always remembered for his quest for freedom, brotherhood, and destiny. He knew each were intertwined and one could not come without the other. There are very few past and present who have the courage to speak in such a way..........

We have few leaders today who sacrifice self for the sake of others..... all because of a "dream." Let alone speak of it......

I believe MLK had a vision of a coming future, and perhaps further away than what he knew. Nonetheless very real. His words still hang in the air of expectation and anticipation. I personally know that freedom is a gift I cannot give up. I cannot be bound by mediocrity or melancholy.

I spent the day sorting through my books of notes, getting organized to write. My focus this week is getting my new tablet ready to roll so I can be more efficient. My techy son Jordan, tires of my requests for help in this area, mostly because I don't want to screw anything new up:)

The time zone differences can really be a problem when trying to talk on both coasts. We're still trying to figure out what works without me staying up until midnight at night. My focus is to write for two months and try to delay any distractions.............. distractions are different than hassles.

As I look at the present and immediate future, I kind of want time to stand still. Life is moving at a rapid pace and even though I'm trying my best, I still feel a "slave" to the impending loss of benefits for my youngest and wondering what I will do. Very real issues are faced by single mothers, particularly widows, years later unsure emoticon

"It is for freedom that Christ set us free" and it is up to me not to become burdened by a yoke of "slavery" again. I don't want to pick up what I have been released from.

Freedom 2015.

Together Time.

It's official - Logan is back at Brandywine, after a two hour delay this morning, lol. It was kinda weird not to have a snow day while in Cali, no sudden change of plans or schedules that need adjusting. I think we learn a bit of flexibility here, and if not, we should:)

He rode to school with Dillon and as they walked in, all eyes were on them. It was a wonderful homecoming and thanks to the personal touch of teachers and friends who really celebrate the return. There are some connections that are not easily broken.................

As I revisited our family doctor, I was also able to express my appreciation to my family doctor who we've known for 20+ years. The personal care and attention I've received over many years and difficult days is not something I found in L.A. You can't fix anything with appearances only......

When incredible personal pain is felt, it is very natural to lash out at loved ones and burn bridges in moments of haste. Whether for self protection, self preservation, or for one's mental health, fractures happen. There may be seasons to separate, or a time to be together; either way, you have to know what actions are healthy and not done hastily. Give it some time.

My family and I are spending "together time", as Logan and I have moved back into our home in Fleetwood with the Godshalls. My house is of adequate size to hold us all for the time being and it's fun for me to be part of the kids' lives:) All things will work together for good.........

Some of us have had to put our "faith into action" which means my faith has to be fluid, moving, and active. I've had to do something with it, not simply sit in stagnancy. This kind of faith contains substance; it is not superficial. There is backing behind it, strength to support it. It is substantial.

My 9 year old niece Miah Godshall is having her third surgery tomorrow on her cleft palate at CHOP. In an effort to show extra kindness to her and her family, I am asking you to consider sending her a card. I would love to see her smile in the midst of her trial. Thanks for considering it:)

Miss Miah Godshall, 47 Deysher Road, Fleetwood, PA 19522.

Pressure and Perspective.

About this time in January 9 years ago, I delivered a baby who had not survived in utero. In those moments, it was difficult to understand why I would be allowed to suffer so much; there were so many days I wondered why...... 
To think I could now be raising a nine year old son on my own puts a few things into better perspective.

As I drive through the mountains in southeastern PA, the silhouettes of trees and farms with the pink sky behind are quite peaceful. In LA, the mountains were off in the distance. Here, I am on top of a high place......
and want to remain there.

The first part of my plans for returning will begin tomorrow as I find my hideaway and get back to writing. Most of my focus in LA was consumed by troubles..... which taught me a lot. Now to make the most of what I learned.

My California kids also continue to learn life lessons as they make their way on their own, but with my support. Austin is working a regular, steady job, paying down student loans, and contributing to the household. My daughter is readying herself to test for her personal training certification:)

Whether right or wrong, our kids have taken out student loans to pay for college, and hope for scholarship help or aid. We could see a time coming when we'd be able to help more, but those times changed dramatically. There has to be a new way, if the former has passed away.........

This type of pressure weighs on me if I allow it, usually rooted in fears, even when based in my "reality." Truth is, I think the fears come when I live in reality for too long...... and stop believing in dreams.

Nerf battles are becoming an everyday event as Logan takes the lead initiating the games with his cousins.... and Uncle Mike:) Our house is perfect with all its levels and stairways. I bet Doug never imagined such warfare would be taking place in this house....... they have a blast:D

It's getting late and I have conference calls with the kids coming up. Logan's hoping for a two hour delay for Tuesday, his first day back 

Goodnight all.

A gift to humanity.

Who I am at my core can most often be reflected in the waves of life that toss me to and fro, creating a climate in which I will strive or thrive. Either I find a flow or am taken out with the tide..... Nothing has ever pulled me in so deep quite like SoCal........ can I come up for air now?

As I walk the strand at the beach or local streets, there are few who say "hello" or flash a friendly smile. It is so unlike the warm sunshine felt on the skin and the person I have wanted to be....... myself. After 15 months, this "cool climate" on a 90 degree November day, has gotten very stale.

For now, I see seasons in terms of school sessions, college years, and graduations and somehow I fit my own future in there:) Making college connections for Logan can be a part time job, and choosing options for Austin's future is time consuming.

To help bring the "Spirit" to SoCal, Logan's begun listening to Christmas music and tuning into holiday related shows:) He was always the one who made the seasons more festive, fun and celebratory back home and has tried here too.

I continue wrapping up rental business this week, that's weighed on me for a while. Ironically things seem to run more smoothly for me there. My budget is shot to hell but trusting for a turn around and to no longer be overwhelmed by it:)

Within this community, there has been an honesty that has risen from a tragedy. It is a gift to humanity and one that keeps on giving................ Love and Life.

The countdown to "Christmas" is on.

My special Skyler.

As I read the words of each of my kids last night, tears did flow. Each profound in their own way.........I found myself suddenly sobbing, as a few face timed in another room. I am truly counting on each and every tear being accounted for and recounted........ and recompense coming 

I was not always free with my expressions. The words, emotions, and heartfelt accounts were not natural to me for a long time. It was until my late 20's, when my sister gave birth to our special Skyler Chase, who passed on 17 months after his Uncle Doug, and 19 months ago today, that I allowed myself to feel...... and be more real.

I remember at the time feeling as if I had been punched in my gut; my core ached, my heart literally hurt. I felt helpless..... the only thing I could do was fall to my knees before God, and bring that support to my family. The pain was so great as if I couldn't stand, as Skyler's life hung in the balance, April 23, 1996 in Philadelphia, PA.

As many are aware, those days in the NICU and caring for him were days no one wants to relive. However, something happened to me in that time.... and to my kids. We heard the dire prognoses of doctors.... and yet we witnessed a miracle. Skyler lived for 17 "special" years, being cared for by the most selfless of parents and siblings.NICu

He served as an inspiration for his Uncle Doug, myself, and my kids. I still hear his voice in my head, reminding me to lighten up a little more, to laugh a bit louder, and to smile during the pain which doesn't always go away. Some days I feel successful, while others I fail...... but if I do fall, I always get up again.......

It seems as if when stuff we face wants to rip at our core, God seems to provide a positive for each negative...... in His time... in His way. Today, while feeling particularly challenged, Logan and I perked up when viewing his VB video clips that went live and online on a his college recruiting site. He's got great colleges viewing him........ hope remains.

My daughter completed her first HS Junior Varsity Girls Head Coaching job, finishing with an undefeated season at Vista Mar! To say we are elated and proud of her is an understatement..... she was made to coach. To inspire others and make us better........

That is only one of our goals........ it just happens to be in the VB venue for a few of us, but the idea remains the same.

Life. Life. Life....... and lots of love.

Three Years.

At this moment in EST, 3 years ago today, my kids and I drove home from a hospital near our home town...... having suddenly witnessed death and been wounded by it. We sat closely in our Toyota Corolla that night, the same vehicle we would later travel cross country in..... both times, we weren't sure if we would make it.........

It was because of this night, 11.4.11, that a stirring began..... and a call we could not run away from. Even in our hardest days here, then and now, there remains a depth of determination that not one of us can deny. This manifests in a variety of ways, and through each of our personalities........

Sometimes I think I see the ways it's impacted one of us more than another.... and then I see I am wrong. We have all been equally affected. What we choose to do with the "situation" requires some kind of motivation, for better or worse.

In the Book of Psalms, chapter 56, David speaks of the difficulties he had at a time in life where it seemed everything was after his happiness. I imagine this left him feeling as if he could hardly handle it all. In verse 8, he describes his belief that my God in heaven collects my tears, in a bottle and a book. He actually knows me......... He remembers you, me, us.......

I wondered if I would ever feel the same emptiness I felt the night of November 4th, and the answer is.... yes. I have. I am changed. I will never be the same. These emotions must serve my future and not aid my past. 
His intervention may not always come in my timetable or in the ways that I would like, but I do know one thing. It will come. He will come.

Three years later, my kids and I are spread out. Logan is at a Redondo Girls VB game with teammates, showing support to the girls on a big night. After hanging onto a Spanish project he had to do for the last two weeks, he chose to complete it today..... and appropriately so.

I leave you with this tonight.....after my tears are recorded, "then my enemies will turn back, when I call for help. By this I will know that God is for me. In God I trust; I will not be afraid. What can man do to me? For you have delivered me from death, and my feet from stumbling, that I may walk before God in the light of LIFE."

May the Lord be praised.

Life flashes.

There are feelings that I have that can be tough for me to put into words. As I flew out of L.A. airspace and across the country, it was as if the heavens opened up.......... and life returned. I could breathe again....... feeling unstifled and unconstricted.

My life parallels the journey I took this past Thursday into the weekend back home and a wedding I attended with John Hayes. I am betwixt two places, suspended in time and space, yet knowing where I need to be for now....

It was not until I sat in a traditional church, and listened to a Bride and her Groom make their declarations of love, that I felt some emotions I want to avoid. Suddenly, my life flashed before my eyes and I was seeing my own wedding day and then fast forward .........

I find myself to be way more cautious now, with the root of it feeling concerned with losing another one I invest my love in. I tend to put off dealing with emotions and questions that lead to more questions, or potential conflicts with the ones I love the most.

My last few visits to a church have also been the result of a death...... and that reality hit me hard; tears fell. I may not ever really go "back," but please don't lecture me on needing to go to "church", because that is not my intent in sharing this with you, but the reality many face and feel.......

It is very easily underestimated during divorces, deaths, or divisions. Either way there is a loss and the location at times is linked. It can end up being a place you never want to go back too.........These are my raw and unfiltered emotions of Fall 2014.....

Thankfully Jordan came for the weekend to attend a work event, as well as hang out in the household. I missed him until last night; however, his sense of humor helped us tremendously. His presence allowed me to leave a bit easier for a few days.

After breakfast together, clothes shopping, and a power business meeting, he returned to San Fran tonight. He has become even more competent and intelligent, strong and courageous. He really did have to "find himself" in the big city....... and I had to bless him to do it.

New plans for the blog, posts, pics, and overall layout ofwww.houseofsecretsblog.com are underway, and breathed new life into me again. Wonder how those "oxygen bars" really work;)

This week my new schedule starts........... as I prepare to "Come Home" by One Republic.

Goodnight and God bless.

Beyond beliefs.

I am thrilled beyond belief to know how many "friends" I have tonight.... and sincerely thank each of you for showing me so much love:) I have known all kinds of love in my life, and yet there is so much more to learn, feel, and live out.

A snowstorm on this day 3 years ago in Pennsylvania, knocked out power and took down trees all over our area. Labeled as a freak storm, this was a disruption at best. For me, it was the ultimate interruption in my portion of the world.......... and a day I will never forget.......

During the heart wrenching days of posting my trips to welfare and the social security office, credit card declines, bills to pay, a service to plan, a rental home to finish, and the list goes,..... did I begin to see a new course being laid out just for me, right before my very eyes. Pain would lead to purpose, as long as I could trust my perception.

I never had any interest in writing as a young person, strongly disliked a diary or journaling and felt that communicating was kind of a waste of time. But now, here I am............ and have kind of stumbled into it..... or perhaps there was a time to write.

As I turn 46, I am a mere semblance of my former self and in my experiences, I now can confidently tell you who I am. This list happens to include a single woman, widow, and mother............. .

In the times and seasons that have followed, I ask God for mercy, knowing His unfailing love and great compassion are two traits I wanted most, and hoped to share freely........ This community has become my new "home."

Welcome to my Life. Share in my Love. You are Home.

10/29/2014