In hopes of being happy.

Happiness. That elusive element in life I have been looking for since my husband's passing almost 3 years ago. During our 25 year tenure, I wondered if I had found "it" because our time together felt severely tested. Being "happy" couldn't be so hard................... could it?

I came west on a quest in support of my kids, with few expectations of my own, but far more hopes........ Turns out being happy has to do with creating a "home", and I'm not speaking about real estate, that would be far too simple. Home is meant to be a place of hope.............. that envelops the heart........

Logan and the Redondo Beach VB team swept Camarillo in the first round of beach playoffs tonight which was exciting. This season has flown by and Log's put forth so much effort. Trainer Troll from The Yard called the team the" hardest working group" so far. I am continually impressed by his level of integrity in this culture to conform............

This week we've come closer to the issue of illegal immigration than ever imagined. Stories shared and reasons given are basic common knowledge, but for us, make the issue all the more personal. They come here in hopes of finding "happiness" firsthand, so I hope we realize what we've got before it's gone.......... or taken.

Austin is now down to one very part time job, and also going to school. We hope he can find another that fits well with his schedule. He continues to bike most everywhere, although I now have a bike rack in case he needs a pick up. Thanks John..............

With help and support, I was able to make a much needed move this week in real estate I will share in the coming days. In PA, I have rental homes coming available with more calls and emails coming from interested parties, than I ever could imagine. Being bi-coastal was the original plan........

"Chances Are." Five For Fighting

The Fall Fruits.

It may seem as if you work hard in life and don't get anywhere..... days you're left wondering how in the world to "get ahead" and what that even looks like on a personal level. Ny late husband and I would reflect on our attitude of doing right and worked hard, all for a future we hoped would one day exist......... something better to come.

Hoping that something more in the future, than I currently know to exist in the present, I think is the essence of "faith." Looking ahead......Because "faith is confidence in what we hope for, and assurance of what we cannot see." Faith is belief. Belief is hope. Hope heals the heart........

As I reach a pivotal point in my life at age 45, having experienced more trauma than most perhaps, I somehow am able to position myself/us for a blessing. Even when those beliefs are tested, tried, and totaled, I am able to ultimately trust........ like gold refined in the fire.

Jordan is positioning himself for a new move, another place that has come available, in the proximity of the city he needs to be in. He continues to gain more knowledge and most importantly, shares it with many, freely..... just like his dad. He has a wealth of it..........

After a chaotic first day in October, I am very excited about future prospects. Waiting patiently is very hard, no matter what the subject matter; however, when all hope was lost, a prospective family I wanted as new tenants are coming through. During this week that tested me, they have positioned themselves to occupy one of my homes:) God is good.

I am learning to ask for more, and expect things to work out on my behalf. When I continue to trust and do what is asked of me, aligning myself with the will of God as I know it, great things happen.

Today, after beach practice Logan left his flip flops behind, on this first day of a new month in the Fall. His partner picked them up, after we got home. Never happened before......... His club practice begins also, which will lead to new positions and partnerships. 
Perhaps we will see what this Fall brings forth.......

Hope.

I find it's often in the times I feel the most squeezed, the most pressed, and pressured, when I struggle to keep clarity because my "vision" becomes clouded....... these are the moments in which my faith is worked out, as I wrestle with it..... question it and not be afraid of what I may find.

As I allow the "aging" process to occur, what is produced is a sweet smelling fragrance and a most powerful presence that empowers all around me......... it is very real. All of this, my faith, frailties, the frivolities, and fragility. But..... I am not afraid of it.

"The plans of the Lord stand firm forever, the purposes of his heart, through all generations. He knew we would be here, in this place and walking this journey in life because "the eyes of the Lord are on those whose hope is in His unfailing love." Not His conditional love, but unfailing......

Tonight Logan is watching the USA vs Iran Volleyball Match at USC with friends. A special moment as his assistant coach for Rockstar, Alfee Reft, is the starting Libero this evening. He also met Reid Priddy, a name well known in the sport, and on the Olympic level. This is why we're here.....

I spent half the day, embracing the path I feel God is leading me for now. As I get "on board" with His plans, things begin to take off....... Fall will be very full, after this tumultuous summer that has brought a bit of disorder and destruction across the globe. Change is coming.

"May your unfailing love rest upon us O Lord, even as we put our hope in you....." on the East Coast, around the world, and especially here in CA.

Reflection.

It kind of feels like nothing changes when there is no change in seasons. I wonder if this reflects life for some, who have not "weathered" the harsh elements in life that create depth and desires..........

My youngest is reflecting on his time here as we begin to approach the one year point. There are many things to do here, but much of the same because of the consistent weather. In some ways, it'd be easy to go back home. He misses many, many things, such as the land, the privacy, our deck and pond, the ATV's, airsoft wars, and substantial friendships. 
But most of all....... freedom. There is little here; you can't just pick up and do what you feel like doing. So strange......

In lots of ways, there is no going back... for now. We'll cross that bridge as we approach college. Open to most anything and only God knows where he or we will land. Following Houston, he'll be back to beach training, intensively so and find fun in that.

After laundry and packing, he shot airsoft gun at a target just next to me. We played war with cards and he tried on his new ankle brace, which was very amusing. Austin received his first paycheck from Joe's Crab Shack tonight, while I signed up for a Sallie Mae Loan for him.

I imagine it will be difficult for my daughter to say goodbye to her sweet little cousins, and tough for them as well. She's made the most of her time home, treasuring these moments. We all want to be bi-coastal. I want to make it happen...... we will meet up in Houston tomorrow:)

On this last day of June, I officially finished what I'm calling my first book, which I see as a series of "meditations and inspirations." Next is editing and adding content; then onto making contacts. 
The next adventure is what we're moving towards.

"Sky Full of Stars." Coldplay

Comforts.

Another Rockstar practice for Logan and team, while I covered for a coworker at Prudential HB today. One day seems like another when the weather is consistent. I had a few agents seriously thinking it was a Monday, when they came in and saw me:)

Heading to Houston on Tuesday, July 1, and we are excited; great parents and teammates, and a whole new start. Hoping to catch some East Coast friends while there too:) Last summer we were scouting out Southern California at this time.......

As Chynna's time home wraps up, she spent time going through items in storage in our attic. As she prepares donation piles, there are things I can part with and others that can wait. I found myself saying, "I want to take some of my past into my future"..........

Just here with the essentials, no comforts and I guess it's time to buy duct tape after Austin told me his air mattress has a hole in it. He put air in it tonight and found a leak,; he's woken up the past few days to find himself on the floor. I had to laugh.

Jordan finally has a bed of his own, after being in San Fran over a year:) Hoping he's not moving anytime soon..... things you take for granted....

After moving out of our old apt. and being put through a form of purgatory for ten months, I received good news. Our old apt. has rented by July 1! The right opportunity, at the right time came along, and I trusted everything would work.

Even though for two weeks I was baited into one battle after another, I resisted. I am putting this all behind me....... and super excited to do so. Something new is beginning...... Resources will come from a new source I trust. None of this move has been "comforting". We all have felt it.

For a while, my soul searched for comfort and there's a certain level we all need. I provide it for the kids; they give it back to me when needed. However, when there is a calling, there is not always comfort.

Timelessness.

"Beautiful Day"..................... the timeless U2

"The heart is a bloom
Shoots up through the stony ground
There's no room
No space to rent in this town

You're out of luck
And the reason that you had to care
The traffic is stuck
And you're not moving anywhere

You thought you'd found a friend
To take you out of this place
Someone you could lend a hand
In return for grace

It's a beautiful day
Sky falls, you feel like
It's a beautiful day
Don't let it get away

You're on the road
But you've got no destination
You're in the mud
In the maze of her imagination

You love this town
Even if that doesn't ring true
You've been all over
And it's been all over you

It's a beautiful day
Don't let it get away
It's a beautiful day

Touch me
Take me to that other place
Teach me
I know I'm not a hopeless case."

Great day, start to finish. Time for the "rocks" to cry out. Nite.

Steadfast.

As I read the sentiments of my kids on this special evening, I have many thoughts of my own. Even though we're new at navigating this journey, you can see how moments are never forgotten. The kids never ever lose count of the days....

I reflect on my knowing that this was not a one time event, but a life changing moment that happened in minutes; one prepared for me long ago...... nothing out of the hand of my Father in heaven who understands far more than I.

You never know what you're ready for until you're forced to rise to an occasion, or face defeat. Most have that overpowering fear..... what if life isn't what I want it to be..... then what. We are living proof there is life beyond loss, and a hope that defies any odds stacked against it.

This song and beat flow with the rhythm of my heart right now..... Enjoy.

OF MONSTERS AND MEN LYRICS - Slow And Steady

Lyrics to "Slow And Steady" song by OF MONSTERS AND MEN: The lights go out, I am all alone All the trees outside are buried in the snow I spend my night danc...

AZLYRICS.COM

Preparation.

Coming to California was by far one of the hardest things we've ever done. In so many ways, we've come so far.... in other ways, we have a long way to go. With the right elements coming together at the right time and season, "magic" can happen..... for anyone.

Sometimes you know you need a change in life but you just don't know what to do.... I always say you have to do something. Nothing will change if I don't change. I don't expect people around me to do what only I can. I will always be disappointed if my faith lies in another person.

June began in a big way and only two days in. Lots of plans to expand going into summer. I will be adding more content to my posts at houseofsecretsblog.com, as well as finishing the first draft of a book I'm working on. 
Be passionate about your purpose; persuaded beyond the preparation it takes to get further. In just one day, everything can change.

Tonight we celebrated Logan's first season as a Redondo Seahawk, in a crowded room at H.T. Grill in Redondo Beach. I think our teams have the best looking group of guys, as well as great looking coaches:) This has "never ever happened before" was a phrase coined this evening.

Our decisions felt affirmed tonight, as he earned his first Varsity letter in the west, along with his Scholar Athlete Award. His time will come in a big way going forward; hard work does eventually pay off. We're very thankful for what lies ahead, rather than being passionate about the past.

Lord willing.....

http://photos.dailybreeze.com/2014/05/photos-redondo-volleyball-logan-gehman/

Calling.

King Solomon realized that life comes and goes, there are cycles and seasons to it. To know the time and season is far more valuable than anything, and perhaps made him glad he asked the Lord for wisdom, when he had the opportunity to ask for anything......

He came to realize all things had been done before; nothing new was under the sun. Experiences and ecstasies would come and go. If life brought forth futility, then making the most of it and finding meaning in it was a mystery to discover.....

Life will never be what it once was.... there's no going back to former glory or reliving special moments. We can only make new memories and create the moments we want.

The past few months have brought about a realignment for me, facilitating more internal changes, visible externally. I've decided to figure out how to dig deep and really see what I'm made of..... and not fear what I find......

I've faced the fears of being alone, while fighting the loneliness of this new place. You can feel those pangs in the most populated of places..... I've turned my angst into activity, even doing a "mini work out" with Logan tonight. He remains disciplined and my personal game plan is taking shape.

Chynna returned from reffing, ready to workout herself. Her specific words were "I'm so ready for a fight after reffing", which happens most every weekend, lol:) Parents are unbearable sometimes. She will begin training more regularly at Olive Garden this week, her immediate plans for the future.

I'm glad to say Austin's been able to find work at a local restaurant in the Redondo Marina area! He may even have to sing or dance, during his duties as Host. If all goes well, he'll be in his element:) Plans to begin school in the Fall should proceed, but for now he'll earn some money:)

As we approach another 4th of the month this coming week, my youngest echoed the sentiments of a song playing tonight. "Why am I the one?" Reflecting on events in their young lives he said, "I didn't choose this life..... but this chose me."

A calling we answer.

Sights.

Traveled into San Diego County this week for VB with Logan's Redondo Union High School Team. We drove about 1 1/2 hours south of us, traveling near or through places I'd only ever heard of, like Laguna Niguel and San Juan Capistrano. I can hardly believe the sights.....

Chynna even had me driving into Camp Pendleton to find a Dunkin Donuts her map app took her too! She was pretty excited until I reached a young, handsome officer and tried to explain why we were trying to drive through the gates:)

Carlsbad High School was the destination for a quarter final match, on a quest towards a state title. The team had a big win in 3 games, taking us to a rematch with the #1 team in the nation, Huntington Beach Thursday night:)

Traveling in all different areas of the state is giving us a pretty good feel for the landscapes and lifestyles....... it is enlightening.

Goodnight and love to our hometown.

Secure.

In so many ways, we've picked ourselves up after a tragic event that tried to take us down. Being able to spend time together is not only life giving, but absolutely empowering...... I sometimes forget how much because I am so focused on what needs to continue to occur....

So many in our hometown and community are not only friends, but are like family too. You've been close..... and remain connected, our hearts to yours. In this new area we've landed in, we hope the same can happen. I want to make this mine.

I know we're not alone; everyone has things in life that make you fall, or damage your soul, almost beyond repair sometimes.... or so it would seem.
I've spent many months reflecting on who and what makes me feel secure. As a married woman, it was most often my husband; now it is not. I so much wanted to feel secure...... especially with so much happening in my life.

I've spent a lot of time deconstructing what and how I am supposed to live now.... and find that safety and security I really miss. I am finally turning the corner.... mostly because of prayer support and a mental shift I'm making.

My role as a mom has changed.... I am going with that flow. I AM working on myself;making choices of my own. Pushing back limitations..... I went with the kids to the soccer field. Today, Logan, Jordan, and I rented bikes for an hour for a minimal cost and rode the Strand. I feel I am finally changing. Nothing has changed for me except my intentions and actions. I know the rest will follow.

A few months ago, my laptop began giving me problems; I knew it was a security issue. At the same time, I had to close 3 of my credit cards, due to fraud and security issues. I knew God was trying to give me a message.

Jordan's job while here has been to figure out what was wrong, clean up all the "bugs" in the system; I needed more "protection" and "security" for my laptop. I knew I needed help and he was the guy to help. He installed the right software to protect me from stuff that should not get in. A metaphor for my life.......

I am so privileged to be sharing with you, some one on one through messages, and others in a larger venue. I am committed to helping you become "mobile". Mobility is the key. You have to start moving in the right direction........

Chasing Cars by Snow Patrol

— with Logan Gehman at Hermosa Beach Pier.