A most memorable day.

My Austin is turning 20 today and we celebrate his birthday in SoCal this year. Last year he was at Messiah College, 3000+ miles away from us. I can hardly remember those days. I guess I do have a short memory which can work to my advantage.........

I remember specifically the day he was born. Doug was working feverishly to complete a basement we were putting in, in a very small house we lived in. I was having contractions and had two young kids to care for on 10/25, while he worked. We left the house, after much urging on my part, knowing the time was drawing close for delivery

It was the end of October when we brought our little peanut home, and had no heat in the house. I didn't realize how cold it actually was because I was extra warm when pregnant........ needless to say, the work accelerated to complete this long project we ventured into.

Since those days, Austin continually challenges me in ways I don't feel ready for, as he is my most expressive, impressionable, and emotionally charged child:) He brings passion and purpose to whatever he has in his heart to do at the moment, which can change any minute, LOL 

He's always taken to things I least expected and hobbies that require a great amount of patience I didn't know he had:) Things like fishing, hunting, painting, and reading........ actually most things he learned from his dad........... but thank God he gets his rhythm from ME 

He has, as we have discovered in the last 3 years, an amazing gift of expressing himself in ways that others can connect to, whether in writing, playing or composing poetic and musical lyrics. His future ambitions are coming together as we find a way to combine his natural talent with his nurturing heart.........

As we remain committed to each other in this process of recovery, I look back to where we came from in a small, little cottage continually under construction in the woods of Pennsylvania. Those were times of building character for me...... and things I never would have expected I would have to do......

If those days of character building in me can serve as stepping stones for my son's future, then Austin will know "the steps of a good man are ordered by the Lord," Your verse for this year..............Psalms 37:23

I love you.

The Exodus.

Making a move in life always brings uncertainties along the way with so many things to consider in the choices we make. College, career, lifestyles, and loves all lead somewhere or nowhere....... Steps forward reveal what we leave behind...... and the value we place on a future.

My background is such that my husband kinda had the "final say" in decision making, even though we would typically talk things out. I had an opinion most often to share, but would defer to his judgment based on the doctrine we were taught.

Being in such a position is risky, because trusting my partner to make all the "right decisions" is an impossible feat for anyone. On the day he passed, I wish he'd listened to me.............. there has to be mutual respect in any relationship; without such, humanity falls.

On a daily basis, it is not unusual to be yelled at, leered over, glared at, and hassled in some way, by someone of self importance here in SoCal. Back east and elsewhere, it is an occasional occurrence. Making the decision to be kind is difficult because there is no "safe place" to land........

Logan and his new MB Surf team had a prosperous day at this first tournament at ASC today:) We also met up with dear friends and former Rockstar teammates, with hugs and smiles, as their bond remains special. Wish it could've been protected; however, in SoCal VB, the truth unfolds....

As time has accelerated in our lives, there are moves that need to be made in order for us to stay ahead. I will be training a new girl to take my position with Prudential before the end of October. I will then be solely focused on my personal business. and blog .......... and growing it.

"All steps lead forward." (Mick Seislove) 

Comforts.

Another Rockstar practice for Logan and team, while I covered for a coworker at Prudential HB today. One day seems like another when the weather is consistent. I had a few agents seriously thinking it was a Monday, when they came in and saw me:)

Heading to Houston on Tuesday, July 1, and we are excited; great parents and teammates, and a whole new start. Hoping to catch some East Coast friends while there too:) Last summer we were scouting out Southern California at this time.......

As Chynna's time home wraps up, she spent time going through items in storage in our attic. As she prepares donation piles, there are things I can part with and others that can wait. I found myself saying, "I want to take some of my past into my future"..........

Just here with the essentials, no comforts and I guess it's time to buy duct tape after Austin told me his air mattress has a hole in it. He put air in it tonight and found a leak,; he's woken up the past few days to find himself on the floor. I had to laugh.

Jordan finally has a bed of his own, after being in San Fran over a year:) Hoping he's not moving anytime soon..... things you take for granted....

After moving out of our old apt. and being put through a form of purgatory for ten months, I received good news. Our old apt. has rented by July 1! The right opportunity, at the right time came along, and I trusted everything would work.

Even though for two weeks I was baited into one battle after another, I resisted. I am putting this all behind me....... and super excited to do so. Something new is beginning...... Resources will come from a new source I trust. None of this move has been "comforting". We all have felt it.

For a while, my soul searched for comfort and there's a certain level we all need. I provide it for the kids; they give it back to me when needed. However, when there is a calling, there is not always comfort.

Impressions.

As a younger woman I was impressionable yet with my own intuition. I had many ambitions but no way to translate them into realities. I envisioned myself in a successful business venture, but without a concept of how to create that life for myself.

I didn't know what I wanted to do even as a senior in high school; I felt lost in many ways. I opted for a Business School degree and marriage. I don't remember having anyone speaking into my life, providing direction, so I found some on my own.......

They were my choices to make; however, I needed guidance and good words to help me find a future for myself. When a future isn't envisioned, people perish..... and we are seeing this taking place in drastic ways through dependency issues......

In the past few months, I have had to rise up on behalf of myself, my kids, and the young ones in my life. There are those who will try to tell you who you are, and without a good sense of yourself, you will begin to believe them, whether truth or lies..... which can alter the course of your destiny.

Most do not speak with objectivity but rather with insecurities and jealousies. I've learned to choose to speak life into the young with purpose and intent, so they know they have something meaningful to live for. Previous generations have had their share of problems, so why do we choose to pass them onto our kids? They are meant to live for so much more.....

This generation will be lost if we adults don't get in touch with reality, in the nation and locally. God help us.

Let them go further, faster and farther than we ever imagined.
I know that day is coming.......

Crystallized.

As I expand in this area and word of our past back East is spreading, I find sharing specifics still surreal. I wonder how I can calmly speak to the hope that lies within me, that has kept me living, in the wake of circumstances completely out of my control.

I hear myself sharing the condensed version, seeing and feeling the impact the words make upon a person who has taken the time to talk or get to know me. Many are afraid to ask, while a few feel comfortable enough to speak to me about it. That's the way meaningful connections are made........

I've been studying the life of Moses in Exodus of the Bible, where many adventures began. While he was doing something ordinary, living his life, tending sheep, an extraordinary opportunity came his way.

He was on the "far side of the desert" which I imagine to be a very lonely place. During this time, he noticed a bush that was on fire, but not burning up; it was all aflame but not consumed. He saw this from a distance initially, but decided to take a closer look. It was in taking the look that he realized something spectacular was right in front of his face.

What had been ordinary ground was transformed into something holy...... Had he not taken the time to look, he would've missed the purpose of his time in this desert.... where he was alone, where it seemed there was nothing of value. It was in this setting, things would become much clearer in his life. His difficult past would be used for a purpose.......

Tonight Logan is playing videos he and best friend Dillon Wright made in their younger days back home. Those were great times:) We miss you Dillon..... but love these memories!
Austin's going to El Camino College to sign up for Club VB, after having made contact with the coach. Other opportunities are coming for him as he continues to ref for USA VB on weekends, and is looking into volunteer coaching in Hermosa Beach.

When a plan is laid out and a purpose is made clear, I just have to say yes....... even if I don't know what lies ahead if I let go of the past.

"Crystallized." Young the Giant

Heart and Soul.

Loss has a way of ushering in what can feel like the end. I felt like my heart could not accept any more pain and I literally felt an ache anytime I wanted to care deeply about anyone or anything. Over 2 1/2 years later, that pain is slightly less.

Even more powerful than the actual loss is the FEAR of loss. Your heart and mind become conditioned to the overall climate of who's next or what else can go wrong. Trust becomes broken between family who is distant, fair weather friends, and most importantly, a futile faith. We pray but it doesn't seem to help so I ask how a "loving God" would let something so tragic, so painful, happen to me?

Over the years, I've searched for answers to those hard questions, and I can only share with you my experiences...... with authenticity and honesty. While our community back home struggles to grasp the loss of many young lives in recent years, I share the same sentiments the Apostle Paul wrote when he said:

"I thank God every time I remember you. In all my prayers for all of you, I always pray with joy because of your partnership in the good news from the first day until now, and being confident of this, that he who began a good work, will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus. It is right for me to feel this way about all of you, since I have you in my heart......"

Distance may separate us but I remain connected and I have ideas I will be sharing in the coming days to bring hope and a future to those who need it. I know I need it. My kids need it. Reminding my kids they had a future was a key ingredient in our recovery from loss, but I had to really believe it..... and embrace it.

This community is a core for life. Let the expansion begin!