Big breakthrough.

Some times are tougher than others and I find this happens just before a big breakthrough. Practically speaking, this looks like a two year old garage door opener quitting, a new ice maker not working, to a bruised ankle, and the list goes on. Stuff happens that doesn't make sense.

You push forward only to be met with discouragement that tries to create doubts. I am determined however, not to entertain or play host because I know those doubts create instability. Since returning from L.A., I am all about increased stabilization......... because there is a shifting........

For me, this means I am asking questions about what brings the instability versus how I feel secured. Problem is, if/when I find the answers, I need to be willing to act. This will require even more strength and courage from me.

In the last two years of transition, I am learning more about my feminine self as opposed to who I was in marriage. My dating life began 18 months after death, and I felt ready. For some it is sooner; others it takes a longer period. I do know I am a bit fearful though......... which I'd rather not admit.

Last night Logan's HS VB team could not overcome Wilson and were knocked out of Counties in Quarterfinals. Unfortunately, Logan was not able to play because of his ankle injury, but, he IS on the mend and will be ready for District playoffs. 
There was a large crowd that came out and he was mentioned as "one to watch" in our local paper. It was tough for me to see this play out but I did remain positive throughout the process though.

I took today to run the massive amount of errands on my list as they built up throughout the week. I made another trip to Lowe's for a few rental items, but I am happy to say I believe we are winding down, thanks to Jordan's help. Slowly but surely, we are catching up on things left go.

I think my new motto is "do what makes you happy" and I should post stickers everywhere to remind myself. I have come a long way but have further to go in the relationship arena. That is somewhat uncharted territory for me:/

I am so blessed by great girlfriends, my mom, and good, loving friends who continue to lift me up. Thanks...........

Written on my heart.

Sometimes we see what another person has, or their so called success, and wish we could have the same. It is easy to judge the external, and even the internal after getting to know someone. Truth is, I ask myself, am I able to do what it might take to have what I am meant to have......

Believing in myself and my abilities was probably one of the bigger issues to climb over, but being bi-coastal helped me with the process. There is something that happens when all your comforts are suddenly removed, and you are left on your own; Jordan can talk for hours on this subject.

Even when moving on is a choice I make or forced upon me, I have to be willing to view my life honestly, which is hard. For some, it seems easier to fake it, but only a measure of success will be found in the fake. I do know we would not be where we are at had I hid myself away........ it doesn't work.

Truth is written on my heart, recited in my head, and carried out in my actions. As I build my real estate career, I am dedicated to authenticity, originality, and making this business my own. I'm sure my plan will continue to evolve but for right now, I am overwhelmed with options, lol smile emoticon

After keeping my patience and several showings, I think I have finally found a new tenant for my own rental smile emoticon Juggling household items is tough, but thankfully Austin has stepped up at the right time. His schedule allows him time off when need be; not sure what things will look like in the fall during college. And we do rely heavily on sharing calendars and notes!

Jordan's job is FT plus, and Chynna flies in and out at all hours of the day. Logan is definitely on the mend, and yet unsure about playing for in the County playoffs games. First one begins tomorrow night; really hoping the guys make it through to Saturday's semis. 
We are not "on the sidelines" kind of people........ so it is hard unsure emoticon

No matter what comes at you, against you, surprises you, or suddenly impresses, there is always a way if you have the will....... and know where you stand in the Divine Plan.

Falling into bed exhausted, as I do every night.....

Moving on.

We are nursing a minor sprained ankle tonight after a mishap at VB practice today. Logan strongly dislikes sitting still, kind of like his dad smile emoticonWith county playoffs coming up we are praying for a very quick recovery. Tomorrow is the last game of the HS season.

Three and a half years in, I am beginning to feel the strong desire for companionship and a partnership in life like I had, only better. I also do get very tired of handling these things on my own, as those in my position will attest to. And I want to have fun grin emoticon

I always thought the subject of moving on in love was pretty easy for me to talk about, but I have not been quite honest with myself or my kids. There can be feelings of guilt and make me a bit uncomfortable because of complications and confusion at times............

So many people are super scared of repeating past mistakes or of getting close again. At my age, many are married to their jobs, in love with their lifestyle, or wanting to relive their youth. It is very weird. Where is the fairy tale romance for my second chance at life............

I'm hoping to get my last available home rented out soon, after a tenant abandoned it last month. My goal is to prosper as a PA realtor so that I can set my own schedule and allow time for the other things I am pursuing of importance. I need to be my own "boss," Lord willing, and I know I can do it.

I am ready to jump in, dive in, and get going in a lot of areas in life back home. First step is getting organized and stabilized, and then make more room for what is important.

Life after loss, disease, or struggles is not measured in time but life suddenly becomes measured in quality and what we do with it.

Nite and Sweet Dreams.

Gardens and Growth.

I officially feel like we are turning a corner here in the east, as lawns have been mowed and work is being done in gardens and beds everywhere. It seems as if we pass through some sort of rite of passage after surviving a harsh "season".......

I can feel that way, wondering when life will let up a bit, after putting time, work and effort into the growth process. But there are several elements that work in combination with each other to produce a glorious "garden;" if the positive isn't in place, nothing good will grow.

In my neighborhood, the lawns are cut, flowerbeds trimmed, and yard work gives many a sense of accomplishment. I've learned finally to let it go...... I can only get done what I get done, and handle what I can handle. My lawn is the longest, LOL, and I can't sweat it. That is progress.

Hearing the younger boys say how much they love being home makes me feel good. It is all a miracle anyway, having held onto everything since the passing. At our house, Austin has been the most helpful, as his job and schedule are somewhat flexible week to week. We tackle things in bits and pieces rather than large chunks these days.

One son admitted to me how tough it is to work on the rentals we have because of the reminders of his dad it brings. That leaves me feeling helpless, knowing we have to step up, but also knowing the conflicting emotions it brings. I have had to learn to shut some of that off.......

In any growing relationship however, positive elements need to be introduced if it is going to nurture both parties. If not, we dry up and die. Option two is we hold on until there can be nourishment, enough given to revive a good relationship.

The long distance was very hard on my personal relationship and we did suffer a bit.......... quite a bit.

With the busyness of life, we often feel with relationships that it's time to let go, and it is done very poorly. This creates bad blood, offenses grow, and grudges are nourished rather than growth between two.

It takes time to grow a good garden.......... and knowing the potential bounty - priceless.

Taking my time.

While i spent this Saturday night running my sweeper, I heard the sound of a table saw in the shop in our basement. It is a sound I have not heard echoed in several years, until my oldest son Jordan turned on the tools. He has so many skills........ and the sound was reassuring in some way.

We spent some time running around today, shopping for a bed finally, and of course, Home Depot unsure emoticon We have been able to share vehicles, thanks to my parents loaning us a car for now, but looking for a car for him is on our immediate list as well. Trusting the Lord for timing........

Sometimes it is easy to become impatient, particularly when there are pressures...... and promises. There is game playing and game changers that cause adjustments and adaptations I seem to need to make. It really kind of never stops. The last number of months have been like never before.....

Even and especially as a widow, I have had the most bizarre things occur, some almost too difficult to discuss, Perhaps in book form.in the future. I can see how very easy it is to get into unhealthy relationships after the soul has suffered. Truth is revealed over time, which we often feel we don't have. The irony.

I am very encouraged however, by close friends and women who open their heart to me. We are not alone. It is up to me to define my wants, what can wait, and what qualities are important to me. At my age, I have days when I do feel impatient which might sound silly, but it is truth.

Taking my time to trust. Nite.

Reclaim your life.

Investing in myself is an issue that I keep coming back to, as many demands pull at me daily, even if just the leftover emotions of loss. In CA, the market is saturated with ways to focus on nothing but yourself. Here in the east, not quite the same. We focus on others and reminding.......

As my daughter develops her business plans and grows her training sessions, I am very impressed as she gains new clients. I am far more aware of the importance of taking care of myself since their dad is no longer here. I don't want them to be alone because of my neglect........

For a two week period a month ago, I had a neckache that didn't let up. I had pain in the movement but pushed through, figuring it was stress related. Over time though, I knew something was out of alignment......... when one part of the body is strained, a lot of other things are in jeopardy.

This spoke to me on a higher level as there were issues in my life needing alignment as well. I have been in the process of reclamation since my return and this has brought great stress upon us, but we are coming to the end of the sacrifice. i am seeing my way more clearly now; confusion has cleared up.........

Reclamation has to do with restoring something back to a former, better state, whether real estate, relationships, the soul or the spirit. As I painted a bathroom at my rental today, I was thinking about all the painting I've done since my return. Restoration. Reclamation. Refreshing. Revival.

Tonight the boys team beat Daniel Boone in 3 games of their season scrimmage. We are going into the second half of the high school season already. The weekend was very rewarding for my youngest, who received much recognition from other area coaches.

With hard work our fish pond and gardens will come together, out with the dead and in with the new. Thanks to my dad, brother, and John who have all helped get my mowers going and ready for the season. It takes a caring community to continue to aid in the recovery.......

My faith has grown exponentially in the last 2 years; it is hard to put into words. I hope my actions speak even louder.............

You too can reclaim the life you feel you have lost.

Stewarding my investment.

Throughout my life and particularly in recent years, I have learned a lot about investment. It is an economic term but has an eternal impact. It is about far more than money and time; it is about belief. Determination. Destiny..........

A widow in the Bible is recognized for giving her very last mite in an offering; another woman even emptied an expensive perfume on the feet of Jesus. The first may have seemed foolish to onlookers; the next, wasteful and clueless. Both I believe, knew exactly what they were doing.

The payoff may not have been immense or impacted their lives monetarily, but acting on their instincts in those moments, got them mentioned in the record books. I would say that is pretty impressive.

The week has flown by with much having been accomplished in our household. My middle son has had some growing to do, as he lets go of an investment he made in the state of California. In order to be free, we have to let go; can't afford the "economic impact........"

I had quite a few showings at my rental tonight with Austin's help, and I'm confident I will find good tenants. I am so blessed by the work of the hands of my late husband, his meticulous care and thought he put forward. He made an investment....... now we just faithfully steward it........

That's the thing.... when someone is willing to invest in YOU, you better do everything you can to make the most of the gift you've been given and recognize the opportunities. For the widow and the woman, something was required. That's to be expected to get anything great..........

After Logan's VB tourney tomorrow, I will be visiting a local author's book signing in the Lehigh Valley, a friend of John's. I pray to God I know how to get an investment, make one, or figure out where to go in the publishing world.

Changing a person's life requires my willingness to get involved; it may require a little or a lot. I am discovering where I am heading with this whole subject and area in life.......

Whatever it "costs" me..... I'm in.

Let's invest in each other.

Hope is healthy.

I have realized since my husband's passing, more so than any other time in my life, the importance of paying attention to my consumption. As a widow trying to make ends meet monthly, I literally watch what we consume; however, I am now talking about what feeds the soul.............

Too many times it's easy to dismiss something or someone as not harmful or we negate the effects, but I know the power of hope and hopelessness. Hopelessness is heavy. It makes me feel just a bit more on edge, fearful, and worried. Hope is heartfelt and healthy; it' is not processed, but fresh.

I end up turning off, tuning out, or disengaging in any toxic situation because I can't tolerate it any longer and I am a pretty tolerant person smile emoticon I want to hear an "I can do it" attitude, a "nothing will stop me" mantra in order to make it, as to not live under the weight of the worries....... I am tired of it.

In saying that, I am looking to start the month of May with many successes. In spite of a few setbacks at the Capitol Wednesday, I renewed my real estate license! Tomorrow, I sign the official papers as a Berkshire Hathaway Homeservices Realtor in PA smile emoticon And you can count on me to work hard for you:) 
I do not give up.

It feels like another chapter in my life is beginning........

I have put in several hours at the rental we are turning around, with the help of the kids and John. We knew upon our return, we would need to get our "house in order", and I have several. As a landlord and manager, I must be present. I am fully engaged. "Spring cleaning" is almost complete.

I will hold showings tomorrow in hopes of finding a tenant to move in by May 1. Lord willing; I must be blessed in this area to continue. My husband had his way of doing things and we are figuring out ours. It is not easy; we are all working so hard still. The transition has been an intense one.

But just as a transition in labor comes to an end, there is a birthing that suddenly takes place; a time where everything comes into alignment and then boom, the blessing reveals itself. Getting to the point of delivery is intense, but once there, it is rewarding.........

Nite.

A structure soundly built.

My late husband was a builder, and it seems we as his family, have taken up the trade. Whether careers, confidence, communications, or relationships, we are building......... and learning as we go.

In going to California, a place where the emphasis on oneself is so high, I saw the emptiness and isolation of no support. A good structure is built with proper "support." The support can bring about stability, which is of utmost in building something meant to last.........

Even if I am on my last dollars or I carry debt, I will continue to offer support, and ask for it when I need it. As I restructure my household and business plan in PA, there is stress put on our family. The only answer I can offer is a focus on the future, and pushing past the present troubles.

Perhaps it is my childlike faith, or my belief in better days that drives me, or maybe it my dreams........ whatever it is, I am living on the edge of something great. I am always learning to manage my tension too, but I am a bit concerned that I cannot function without an ongoing list to do now:/

I have a meeting with my former broker Barb in Macungie tomorrow morning to get the renewal process going. I'm told real estate is moving and the spring season feels like it is finally upon us ;D

My oldest went from a lifestyle of self sufficiency and simplicity to the complete opposite in a few weeks. His time management is being tested beyond beliefs in these first few weeks and until May 1, so please pray for us. 
Chynna's fitness training is beginning to blossom as well, and boot camp starts this week. Our schedules are a bit of insanity.

In the coming days, I will be asking for help and recommendations for business needs I have. Logan's looking for a summer job that is flexible of course, b/c of prior volleyball commitments. And then there's the college search......

Lord willing, we will make it.

The father's business

No matter the amount of time that passes, I continue to see the residue of the resilience it takes to snap back after tragedy. It seems to settle on every area of the soul. I need every ounce of it I can muster.

As we all settle back in here. there remains a very transitory feel to our family, as my oldest kids are concerned with advancing their careers. The feelings that they do not need to follow in their father's footsteps are for real. I want each to have their own lives........ I don't make demands.

Ours is a family business but one founded when their father was alive; now, we ask ourselves where do we go; what do we do. How do we practically move on, given the demands on time, desires of the heart, and definite financial needs. It is a conundrum I need answers to........

It is with this in the forefront that I, honest to God, have to keep pushing. With a only a few hours to go, I will have finished up my 14 hour online course to renew my PA real estate license. And I have to begin to make money. The ball will be set in motion on Monday.

Austin's first day on the job at a restaurant in Exeter began today, while the two boys tackled rental projects. I spent 8 hours at the place tenants abandoned, as Chynna planned her "boot camp" workout for Oxyfit gym, beginning next week. We are all working so hard........

As always, thank you for your continued prayers and support. Our dreams live on, with faith we can make each a reality. It may require some supernatural intervention from God, but that's what He is good at. 
And a big thanks to John, who continues to provide practical help, such as changing a pressure valve fitting at my house, to hands on help at my rental.

"May the odds be ever in our favor."

Renew or regret.

Almost 3.5 years into this journey and I choose not to be defined by my circumstances. I continually challenge myself to climb higher, to reach further than I can see, even if the odds seemed stacked against me. I think anyone can adopt this attitude in order to prevail.........

I meet to many people who choose not to challenge themselves; in the east, we seem to value comfort over courage at times. I think this mentality needs to shift........ For too long, I have seen countless others across the country do great things, but why not us......... collectively.

In the challenge, there is new life. I guess I have thrown caution to the wind quite a few times in the last few years, but it is quite indicative of my former married life. We were the exception in many ways...... and I have not given that up. We pushed each other.... and grew. Life is about growth.

I've determined to prove things to myself that most people may not even try to do, or care to do. As I proceed in my 14 hour renewal course for my PA real estate license, i'm reminded of the challenges ahead of me. However, I have to try it... or live with regret. I cannot live with regret. I know what that looks like......

Bettering myself, my kids lives, or my position in life for the sake of the kingdom of God has always been something on my agenda. I want to succeed to help others because I have been tested. I know that in no matter what position I am in, in life, I will give what I have..... it is not dependent on my "economic outlook," but rather my heart for no regrets.

Austin is hoping for a trip back to the LA area this summer, to visit friends he has made there, providing he has the finances. Things never slow down, lol, even though I get weary. Jordan is working on his income taxes as the deadline is fast approaching. He has been my right hand man on the rentals, along with his brothers. We're looking to move ahead in this area by the end of April........

I will have another home opening up, as the last of challenging tenants has left a premises. Timing. Hoping to fill it quickly with good people in order to move forward in my ever expanding career in the land. I will need to choose an avenue for publishing in the next week as well.

Settling some health insurance issues as two of the kids will have their own policies now, as part of their independence. My brain is still on overload, ha ha, but thankful for good people who help guide us in the right directions. Trusted friends on the east coast:)

In Christ alone, my hope is found..... and in good friends and family:)

Turn, turn, turn.

When in the midst of something really difficult in life, i used to do something very simple. I would sit on my floor, take my Bible, and open it. Whatever popped out at me, chapter and/or verse, I took as my word for the day, time, or hour. it was my "daily bread......"

It didn't always make sense or apply, but most times it did and I began to hear and understand more. I am not a person that can be told what I need to think, but I need to know it for myself. I won't believe simply because I am expected too. I want a tangible, real experience for myself.......... much like the younger generation.

There is a reason that so many times in the Bible the words "hear" and "listen' are used. When I listen, I am giving attention to; if I hear, I am able to perceive or become aware of it. Before I waste my breath with my boys in particular, I will often ask if they are listening and/or hear me wink emoticon I wonder how many times that happens with my Higher Power........

I had Austin begin to pull the dead branches off the plants today, struggling to find new life in this spring season. Our two tiered pond will require cleaning and fresh water to be ready to go when it warms up:) I am so looking forward to the sound of the waterfall...........

We pulled together and finished painting Jordan's BR; it's cleaned and ready for him to move into. He will finally have a place to settle and not live out of suitcases, which is more than he's had in a two year period smile emoticonOnward and upward.

I received a reminder from Social Security over the weekend, telling me to fill out proper paperwork for my youngest, or his benefits will run out when he's 18 in June. Nothing like striking a bit of fear in my heart. Most days, I have to tell myself to remain calm and do not fear......and raise my level of trust.

I know that I am doing all that I can and putting the right pieces in place to go further. When that is the case, my daily bread has to be supplied as I seek out His purposes for me. 
My bread is Psalms 30 til April 30; feel free to take a "bite."

There is a turning. Full circle.