The earth is speaking.

When losing someone, the phrase "laid to rest" is often said as part of the tradition, terminology and language used to bring about closure. Ironically, just the opposite happens.........

The farewell process does anything but that. If anything, seeking "closure" brings about more questions...........
Without some kind of solid foundation to stand upon, or firm footing to handle the hardship, you will be hard pressed to process it all and you will lose direction, easily.

An unsettling fog rolled into Redondo Beach tonight, wrapping up a bit of a rough, hot weekend. We'll be moving into the first full week of October, and I'll continue walking towards my future and what brought me here. I will need more courage.............

Because of the transitory move made and my discoveries of real life here, I feel a sense of numbness......... it's as if I have emotions but I'm not "feeling" anything. I'm feeling the impact of the culture, climate, and the careless nature of SoCal; what is acceptable here, is not acceptable.

My mentality has had to shift, much as the earth shifts under our feet on a regular basis. It's as if the "earth is speaking........" So many are concerned with the climate, cruelty to animals, killing or not killing a bug, paper vs. plastic, but are completely careless with humanity. The "core" is what is wasting away..........

When there is indifference in life, there is a lack of passion, for anything. Everything becomes the same, much like the "seasons." You can only try to guess what time it is in life, if not tuned into the true Divine Authority, the Creator.

For our family, nothing was laid to rest; a whole new life seemed to begin.... and we've only just begun....... God help me.

"It was an impossible battle which is why I had to fight it. Survival isn't enough; you have to live."                                                                                                               Once Upon A Time

Settled for only a season.

Good things, and not so good things, all come to an end, whether you feel ready or not. School life, child rearing, a marriage, or life itself...... 2 years 11 months today, we revisit those moments in time.......

Jordan spent his time moving to a new place, in a new territory of SF. Each living situation has brought its share of good and bad, depending on housemates and landlords. There is no way to know; it's a crap shoot and you hope you get lucky and don't wind up with a whacko. The setting does not lend itself to feeling "settled" but has been a "season" for gathering knowledge........

Having John's eyes and experiences has been invaluable in recent months, because I know he will help to bring me balance if I need it. An East coast thing:) Turns out, I know what I'm talking about; decisions will continue to be made, as I pursue the direction we have for the future.

We spent a few hours on Dockweiler Beach with the Redondo Beach Team, as Logan and his partner played in a HS pairs tournament. After a few days in the 90+ degree weather, the sand becomes too hot to even walk on or move in. I wear my pink sneakers on the beach:/

Having the "heat" for an extended period of time with no rain or refreshing becomes exhausting. There is "pressure" of a different kind than elsewhere in the country...... I am speaking of more than the weather, and of spiritual things......... there is no break.

Something that should end can last way too long for a variety of reasons, but indecisiveness or even a lack of direction can be an issue. Most times it takes as much courage to begin a new life, as it does to end something. Objectivity can be your friend....... or enemy.

Not willing to compromise.

Today, I am FINALLY able to share with you my precious, new, baby nephew Dillan, the newest family member:) (see family pic below) He's joined us early September, and my brother and Marie walk courageously through the process of domestic adoption.

I am thrilled to be a new aunt and MUST get home to visit! THIS makes me happy............ LIFE. When I don't feel LIFE around me, I am seriously unhappy, particularly since going through loss. I want nothing to do with anything that isn't life giving.... nothing. Period. On this, I will not compromise.

Last night, I heard Chynna and Logan discussing healthy recipes with John, who likes to do the job of life sucking grocery shopping and cooking ..... a godsend to me, lol:) Etched in their memory are my words from many years ago, when I said "I don't mind cleaning, if I could have someone cook for me".......I had forgotten.

I've been to Kohl's 3x this week with a 30% off coupon, buying and returning because of wrong sizes, ha ha. Logan has grown so much. His first indoor club practice was Weds night and felt very energizing. Life.

He and the RUHS Beach team are playing in a Pairs Championship tomorrow, in the heat of Fall, 93+ degrees:/ Today, at least one SoCal school let the kids out early because of "excessive heat". No comment:)

After knowing what we've been through and surveying the lives of friends and family members, I think it's easy for anyone to thrive, given the "right conditions." Perfect life, abundant finances, great job, good grades, strong heritage, yada yada. Anyone would do well......

It's those of us, however, who when tested to the limits, and pushed to the brink, come out shining, strong, and so much more capable than when we first started...... that's when redemption draws nigh. Resurrection is seen. New beginnings are created.... over and over again. There are no limits!

Go and find it.

The Fall Fruits.

It may seem as if you work hard in life and don't get anywhere..... days you're left wondering how in the world to "get ahead" and what that even looks like on a personal level. Ny late husband and I would reflect on our attitude of doing right and worked hard, all for a future we hoped would one day exist......... something better to come.

Hoping that something more in the future, than I currently know to exist in the present, I think is the essence of "faith." Looking ahead......Because "faith is confidence in what we hope for, and assurance of what we cannot see." Faith is belief. Belief is hope. Hope heals the heart........

As I reach a pivotal point in my life at age 45, having experienced more trauma than most perhaps, I somehow am able to position myself/us for a blessing. Even when those beliefs are tested, tried, and totaled, I am able to ultimately trust........ like gold refined in the fire.

Jordan is positioning himself for a new move, another place that has come available, in the proximity of the city he needs to be in. He continues to gain more knowledge and most importantly, shares it with many, freely..... just like his dad. He has a wealth of it..........

After a chaotic first day in October, I am very excited about future prospects. Waiting patiently is very hard, no matter what the subject matter; however, when all hope was lost, a prospective family I wanted as new tenants are coming through. During this week that tested me, they have positioned themselves to occupy one of my homes:) God is good.

I am learning to ask for more, and expect things to work out on my behalf. When I continue to trust and do what is asked of me, aligning myself with the will of God as I know it, great things happen.

Today, after beach practice Logan left his flip flops behind, on this first day of a new month in the Fall. His partner picked them up, after we got home. Never happened before......... His club practice begins also, which will lead to new positions and partnerships. 
Perhaps we will see what this Fall brings forth.......

It's okay to look back, briefly.

We've had a vast array of experiences since setting foot in Southern California, many of which I would not need to relive. But I do not regret things either, because I am a better person for it. Too many times I think we move through life trying to forget things we should remind ourselves of......

I'm told folks of all kinds flocked here 30+ years ago, to a place that held freedoms, fun, and futures..... the CA of yesteryear perhaps. It seems as a way of escaping everyday life, loss, and past loves, a "paradise" of sorts was created, yet the intrusion into personal lives, locally and on the state level is astounding. I could write a book, lol.

I honestly did not realize the amount of freedoms afforded on the East Coast. My eyes have been opened. We come from a land very unique; real estate is affordable and where dreams can be discovered.
An area where my sons can shoot basketball with friends for fun, have a pool party, throw football with family/friends, make some noise, listen to music, drive a car easily, and freely play with pets. Most important, you know who your "friends" are. and who you can call on........

Chynna has begun her online Personal Training course to become certified; this plan aligns nicely with her desires as a coach, player and for our purposes. She already has had a few "clients", lol. I told her she can continue to whip me into shape:)

Only two weeks after my core fitness class ended, I've done the workouts on my own, and seemed to have "hurt" myself ha ha. I'm the kind of person that needs a trainer! With a few minor injuries, I may be signing up for the next course, starting next week.

I set aside the time from May through September for a very specific purpose, and as I look back over these months, I can see pieces of our purpose unfolding. It's okay to reflect and look back on where you were to where you currently are; however, that doesn't mean the move ends.

I don't want to be a "pillar of salt", a "preservative" left in a pile that just 
sits there, as told in the story of Lot's wife.

This is only just the beginning......

Divine plans and order.

When one or more you love suffer loss or pain unneedlessly, each expresses it differently. Even if it can be part of their personal growth, it all remains very difficult to deal with. As a mom of a son who witnessed the worst possible thing ever in losing his dad, I have a special place in my heart for him........

Having 3 other kids who shared the pain, as well as help uncover the purpose of loss, have forever been changed and challenged......... Even almost 3 years in, I will continue to do whatever it takes to help each realize their futures do exist. Perhaps a mother's love or the determination of destiny........

One of mine needed to go as far away as possible to escape familial responsibility; another always had a craving to chase after her dreams. One son, a bit more volatile and emotional, is the heart of the family...... and my youngest, well, he has made the most of every opportunity given to him.

I find it important to reevaluate life and decisions regularly because I will always want and do the best possible thing for the kids...... not for myself and not because of peer pressure. We follow a different flow......

I do find myself extra sensitive to dehydration while here in this extra dry climate. It's hard to imagine seriously worrying about a "water shortage" for years and years, if living here permanently. The lifestyle of renting in the South Bay and NorCal lends itself to never feeling settled..........

Austin is fighting off an ear infection for the past week, so it may be time for a doctor visit:/ His new job at The Loft Hawaiian is going well and will need to fit in, following his school schedule on weekdays. After implementing a few new plans, he is coming along well. although it is tricky without his own car:/ We have no plans to make a big purchase here because of countless scammers in SoCal.

Chynna's team won an Indoor Tournament today and she's very excited about going to Nationals in 2015:) I may just have to make a visit there. I wish we would've known then what we know now; she could've gone far in this sport after high school but trusting in a divine order and plan. Now could be her time:)

Sometimes lessons learned can be gleaned in a short amount of time. When the Spirit of God is involved and dreams are revealed, time becomes irrelevant. Age does not matter. Fear is not a big factor. I find what used to take 20 years, can be learned in 2. Crazy stuff........

Setting up plans for the next six months. Exciting days are ahead.

Investing in Life.

Most days, as we go on in our lives in this new place, we rarely take the time to remind ourselves of where we have come from. There are glimpses, but unless I stop, reflect, and speak the progress out loud, it's easy to forget. There is no one here that remembers..........It is my job to remind.

There are no reference points, no moments in time to refer back to except those that have marked the last 14 months. As we continue to put our faith in the God we believe in, with His Spirit moving us along, we are moving faster than I expected. Time frames are flexible and we remain fluid.........

Since our loss, it seems we are learning faster and more furiously than ever. I have never seen or experienced anything like this; it is inexplicable. Perhaps this is what redemption feels like........ your background, history, choices, or mistakes don't matter. We all are offered a fresh start, at any point. Mine happened to come after a loss.......

We spent part of the day with Logan's HS Beach Team for Redondo in competition. Logan and partner Sean-Michael came up with a big win which will allow them to play in a special Doubles Competition next week. This was a very good day.

This sport brings us back to center, and ironically, keeps us grounded. It serves as a reminder........ the only familiar thing. While some may be self serving in their desires, I hope to use this as a platform.........

Chynna began classes, in preparation for her next phase..... as a personal trainer. We caught a glimpse of this a few years ago, and now with her business degree, coaching opportunities, the time feels right to pursue it. She has a few "followers" already, wanting her training.

Undergoing a transformation often happens during a transition time, between the time of "coming and going." This is definitely not the easiest season to be present in because of the "seed sowing", hard work, gut wrenching decisions, and painful process it takes. But in the end, the harvest will be worth it......

"Where you invest your love, you invest your life."

Uncovering hidden treasures.

I imagine Paul, the Apostle, was quite a charismatic man and persuasive for sure. We know that early in his life he was passionate and misguided, and as a result, many paid for his "mistakes." Lives of good men were lost.... taken, really. There was heartache and pain, which had to leave many good people asking the question, "why."

It was during a certain season in his life, however, that he had an encounter on a road called Damascus. The time came when God in heaven decidedhe could not let Saul (later Paul) continue on as he had been. The thing he had found fulfillment in for many years was now being challenged........

I think much of life can be lived in such a way where we can go on and do the same thing daily, unless challenged to change.... something, even just one thing. I find I have fewer and fewer excuses since my loss...... most times the control is in my hands, but the will to follow through is weak.......

We can be on the worst path possible but refuse to change a thing because of ignorance or obstinance. I have seen the paths to self destruction, or deception, all too clearly, as many make themselves vulnerable and open up to me. "Life can be lived either way, but for me, I'd rather try and fail, than never try at all." (source unknown)

Our local HS closes down for the Jewish holiday, so Logan has off the next few days. Beach practice continues, with a chance to lift at The Yard in Hermosa Beach, where famous athletes train. Austin's fighting a cold but was able to turn on his charm and got hired for a second job today! Another job serving at a local restaurant:)

Chynna has plans to expand her "business" in the coming days, so more details to come. And Jordan is once again "house hunting" or looking to sublet a room which is getting a bit old now. Housing and real estate really sucks here, in spite of what you may hear. Great for profiteers, bad for common people..........

And for me, "my purpose is that you are encouraged in heart, united in love, so that you may have the full riches of complete understanding, in order to know the mystery of God.... in whom are hidden treasures of wisdom and knowledge......" Colossian 2:2

I am making this my growing mission. Imagine the possibilities....... watch for more of my blog, coming soon.....

Exponential love.

In a land where the rate of separation and divorce is some of the highest in our nation, over 50%, and relationships are trivialized, I will share with you cherished thoughts from a very close friend. It is poetic and prophetic (future oriented) in nature.

"People don't love with their whole hearts.... it's like they don't know how. They don't know what real love is. What true love is.... True love is showing love to everyone you meet. That is love. It is spilling over to every person you meet so that they can feel love in you. It is being love for someone. It is epitomizing love because love is at your core. That is what Jesus did and is a glimpse of what we are to become........"

Separation is sweet sorrow.

If a separation from a partner occurs, whether in love, loss, or life, there is an automatic emptiness. The one who occupied the place of existence is no longer present, and there are countless things to walk through.... and work through. Both require motion at a time when it's easiest not to "move."

These few years after losing my partner have flown by and as it turns out, I'm managing far more separated than I did together. I often waited on him for answers, decisions, and actions. It now is all mine to tackle. Knowing who to go to for help, and better yet, getting a good response has allowed me to grow immensely.

Many years ago I joked that I would one day manage a "growing empire," and most days, if feels as if I'm being groomed........

We continue to evaluate my 19 year old's choices for his future, as he's at a crucial age in decision making and debt. As a single mom, I am the co-signer on college loans and so, every decision becomes an important one. It has to be thought out, well planned, and properly executed. 
As frustrating as it can be, I remain committed to helping him find his way through and into a prosperous future.

In the next few months, my daughter's student loans are going into repayment which requires us to be ahead of the game yet again. Plans need to be made and budgets taken into consideration. I have spent more time on the Sallie Mae website and consulting a financial friend the last few weeks than in the past few years...... I am forcing myself to understand the whole process..... even though I could shut down my brain.

Tonight Logan and I spoke with a recruiting company in which we can put valuable tools in place for him to be found and considered as a student/athlete. I saw new life in him, hope for the hard work he's put in many years. I am again, committed to his process in every way; I can't afford to be tired................

While I share with you the "realities" regularly faced, I also testify to the goodness of the God I believe in Him. Days when I feel I can't read another paper or answer another email, I somehow find the strength and determination to do so.

The tough times, dry days, and weeks you may spend wondering what "life" is all about...... you should know that if your heart is willing, He will use everything in your present to prepare you for your future....... it is an amazing sight to behold as His glorious plans continue to unfold........

Sweet dreams to all.

Memories aren't about the past.

In chatting with a coworker Friday on her upcoming vacation, I discovered her family is making a trip to the East Coast. While asking her questions on their itinerary, I could feel my heart leap when she talked of the Liberty Bell, Philly cheesesteaks, Whoopie Pies,the Liberty Bell, and our rich history.

Until coming so far from where we began, I did not realize how strong and deep our connections were....... and are. They are electric, exciting, and...... energizing. Had we not arrived in the South Bay, that realization may never have happened.

Logan and I spent another half day at Dockweiler Beach, as he competed on the Redondo Beach team; having his sis along was a treat:) Their team had a very successful day as we are midway through this season now, and one full year on the beach as a player under his belt.... or boardshorts 

This 17 year old's schedule primarily consists of training, conditioning, beach play, schoolwork, and an occasional video game. Not the norm. Driving is at a minimum until age 18 for a variety of reasons I won't bore you with, but the lifestyle is so different anyway. Waiting to drive around here is not a big deal...........

Perhaps I'm used to a faster paced lifestyle than the norm, but most days I get more thrills out of managing my rentals than making lunch plans. I know a few were concerned that being in SoCal would "change" me, but not a chance. If there are any differences, they are for the better... I am more determined than ever...........

I'm not for living in the past but I am drawing strength from my memories. If you can't feel, what's the point..... memories aren't just about the past, they can change your future. A few thoughts I have from lines in the movie "The Giver", I saw last night with my 3 kids, a rare occurrence.

I came away, knowing what I must do next.................. Cross Over.

The Sweetest Thing.

At the beginning of the summer 2014, my daughter stated that in this next season we would begin "to see the realization of all our dreams." Even though a big, bold statement made as a declaration, I believed it to be true......... and I was speechless.

No one can prepare you for sacrifice, whether you're creating a business, starting a family, moving cross country, training for an athletic event.... or losing a loved one. Unless immersed in the purpose, you will likely miss the meaning. You must prepare to be aware or all is done in vain.......

As I reflect on the last 7 years of my life, I knew I was in "training;" for what, I did not know exactly. An unplanned pregnancy, a horrible miscarriage which led into depression; one business began, while another ended, and many more changes undergone in this period of time. I wondered how I would live through it, let alone make it.

The one thing I kept in my mind and heart was the belief that this was not in vain. I knew beauty would come from pain and I would ultimately gain. The irony of loss... and redemption. When I actually adopted this understanding, my whole life was impacted...... and so was the life of my kids........

Those dreams coming to life I've held dear for many years may not be the plans I have laid out. More than likely, "as above, so below" and we will embrace and adopt a greater purpose for our lives; a platform for the taking. I know there is so much more to come than we could even think or imagine awaiting...........

As we quickly approach November 4, I feel as if our 3 year "season of sacrifice" will lead us "home".........

"The Sweetest Thing." U2