Teach me how to pray.

I find myself, on this Monday, asking the One in heaven in whom I trust, just "how to pray." I am a person who believes the best in people of all kinds, and sees the potential in any type of person. However, after being immersed in a culture so contrary to anything good I have ever known, I am asking for heavenly wisdom............. I believe for the best, yet see much of the worst.

When this happens in life, how I choose to handle it, reveals my character, and what is deep down inside my core. Perhaps some say"change your attitude" or it's a "matter of perspective" but I have found there may be a purpose for me to be in the middle of this mayhem...... so I can see what God sees.......... is there redemption I ask ............

Chynna's fever was gone for most of the day, until late afternoon. I'm trusting she will turn around quickly and be able to pursue her activities asap. The realities of paychecks or the lack thereof hit home, in order to make her budget work. I have been busy since leaving my job.........

After having 3 rental homes vacated within a few weeks of each other, I have been able to find tenants for each, with more calls, texts, and emails to return. Thankfully, the demand continues and my support back home from John Hayes and the Godshalls enables me to be here for now........

I'd like to say I have little to no stress with it all, but that's not really true depending on how others try to treat me. I have had hassles since Doug's death, no doubt about it:/ Whether it is here or there, I have chosen not to compromise my heart. "I die daily." 
Connections may get you places; status is sought after in SoCal, but we remain committed.......... to people and hearing His will.

We came here, hoping and wanting to make a difference; I know that is happening...... in the realm we cannot see. In life as we know it everyday, I'm not so sure....... when I know someone is hurting or needs help, I reach out; however, it's as if there is a cavalier attitude I am not acquainted with.......... there's little to no depth to deal with difficulties. I still don't know what to do with this fact, or how to react, 14 months after moving..... it is insanity.

Tonight Logan returns to the court and practice with MB Surf. I will be watching...... and learning. Courage. Strength. Heart. Soul.

"The soul absorbs trauma, but the spirit is able to ascend it." my quote. 
Let's keep rising.

Ears Open Up.

I learn a lot from my kids, and I know they learn from me too. A mutually beneficial relationship is what I hope to have, as I have always tried to model authenticity.......... out of real love. Ears open up when this is the case.......

Having four is a feat I am finding out, and why it's a good idea when two parents can partner together for a common goal. The fracturing of families is a phenomenon hard to explain, but perhaps our hearts can open up a bit wider for one another as a result.

In a land where selfish ambition, envy, and strife abound, there will be confusion,"disorder" and every evil thing we are told in James 3. Daily it can be difficult to find a person freely willing to abandon their own desires in order to share in another's goals, dreams, or purposes........... never more evident than in our present "state."

It has been a gift to know the kind of people in the east who are willing to fight the battles for another, and step up and step in to help and to sacrifice; this was never more evident than in the tragedies our nation has suffered, traumas we've experienced, or troubles that come along. The selfless rush in.

Rather than a truly restful day, I took my daughter to the same Urgent Care Logan was in last night. She, who rarely gets sick, has been hit hard with fever, sore throat, aches and everything under the sun. Supposedly it's not strep throat but I have my doubts:/ Missing our doctors back home. Here, you are just a number..........

She's staying with us for now and I'm hoping to help nurse her back to health, even though I am not the most nurturing mom I know. So much is required from those who have been "given much." This is the time when a little bit of team effort from a partner could go a long way.

Jordan's teaching me a lot and gave me a crash course in the web pages we are currently using online. His patience can wear a bit thin, but I have come such a long way and we are both energized at the prospects! Looking forward to practicing this week and getting our plans fleshed out even more.

Please continue to pray for us. It is a great gift.

The value of virtue.

One thing for sure is through the trials in life, having peace that passes understanding is of primary importance to me. There are few other things that allow decisions to be made to move forward, with the confidence we have had........

With all my experiences in life and loss, peace has become even more important. I know it when I find it; when it is not present, it cannot be manufactured. While it may not matter to many, I know the value of this virtue.

Logan's MB Surf team played in Anaheim today, missing 4 of their players to SAT's. He donned the libero uniform and took up the position. His team headed to the semifinals on another 90 day in November; however, we wrapped it up by heading to Urgent Care:/

While digging a ball, he hit the court and ended up with a slight gash in his chin:/ When I saw him bleeding, I was summoned by the coach and we headed to the trainer. After bandaged up, he went back to play for the last few points.... the heart of an athlete always emerges.

I wasn't sure what to do regarding stitches or not, and if his dad was here he would've bandaged him up with butterfly bandages and first aid ointment and declared all is well. The old school way. The doctor decided differently and gave him 5 blue stitches for 5 days. Either I had peace through it all, or I am still just numb......

Thank the Lord for the gift that passes human understanding, and defies any odds stacked against us. It is possible to have internal peace, where there is none to be found in the external sense........

At a point in Jesus' ministry, he advised those who followed to determine whether or not a place or people, deserved their "peace." They may be welcomed initially, but perhaps no longer wanted. 
After making a determination, they were advised to put their peace on the place, or leave with it intact, not to be wasted.

If a person or place was not worthy of this blessing and well wishes, the blessing left with them. They'd shake the "dust" off and move on. No blessing to be left. No peace to be placed.

I came here expecting one thing, and have experienced something so totally opposite. 
"Vice Verses." Switchfoot

A gift to humanity.

Who I am at my core can most often be reflected in the waves of life that toss me to and fro, creating a climate in which I will strive or thrive. Either I find a flow or am taken out with the tide..... Nothing has ever pulled me in so deep quite like SoCal........ can I come up for air now?

As I walk the strand at the beach or local streets, there are few who say "hello" or flash a friendly smile. It is so unlike the warm sunshine felt on the skin and the person I have wanted to be....... myself. After 15 months, this "cool climate" on a 90 degree November day, has gotten very stale.

For now, I see seasons in terms of school sessions, college years, and graduations and somehow I fit my own future in there:) Making college connections for Logan can be a part time job, and choosing options for Austin's future is time consuming.

To help bring the "Spirit" to SoCal, Logan's begun listening to Christmas music and tuning into holiday related shows:) He was always the one who made the seasons more festive, fun and celebratory back home and has tried here too.

I continue wrapping up rental business this week, that's weighed on me for a while. Ironically things seem to run more smoothly for me there. My budget is shot to hell but trusting for a turn around and to no longer be overwhelmed by it:)

Within this community, there has been an honesty that has risen from a tragedy. It is a gift to humanity and one that keeps on giving................ Love and Life.

The countdown to "Christmas" is on.

My special Skyler.

As I read the words of each of my kids last night, tears did flow. Each profound in their own way.........I found myself suddenly sobbing, as a few face timed in another room. I am truly counting on each and every tear being accounted for and recounted........ and recompense coming 

I was not always free with my expressions. The words, emotions, and heartfelt accounts were not natural to me for a long time. It was until my late 20's, when my sister gave birth to our special Skyler Chase, who passed on 17 months after his Uncle Doug, and 19 months ago today, that I allowed myself to feel...... and be more real.

I remember at the time feeling as if I had been punched in my gut; my core ached, my heart literally hurt. I felt helpless..... the only thing I could do was fall to my knees before God, and bring that support to my family. The pain was so great as if I couldn't stand, as Skyler's life hung in the balance, April 23, 1996 in Philadelphia, PA.

As many are aware, those days in the NICU and caring for him were days no one wants to relive. However, something happened to me in that time.... and to my kids. We heard the dire prognoses of doctors.... and yet we witnessed a miracle. Skyler lived for 17 "special" years, being cared for by the most selfless of parents and siblings.NICu

He served as an inspiration for his Uncle Doug, myself, and my kids. I still hear his voice in my head, reminding me to lighten up a little more, to laugh a bit louder, and to smile during the pain which doesn't always go away. Some days I feel successful, while others I fail...... but if I do fall, I always get up again.......

It seems as if when stuff we face wants to rip at our core, God seems to provide a positive for each negative...... in His time... in His way. Today, while feeling particularly challenged, Logan and I perked up when viewing his VB video clips that went live and online on a his college recruiting site. He's got great colleges viewing him........ hope remains.

My daughter completed her first HS Junior Varsity Girls Head Coaching job, finishing with an undefeated season at Vista Mar! To say we are elated and proud of her is an understatement..... she was made to coach. To inspire others and make us better........

That is only one of our goals........ it just happens to be in the VB venue for a few of us, but the idea remains the same.

Life. Life. Life....... and lots of love.

Three Years.

At this moment in EST, 3 years ago today, my kids and I drove home from a hospital near our home town...... having suddenly witnessed death and been wounded by it. We sat closely in our Toyota Corolla that night, the same vehicle we would later travel cross country in..... both times, we weren't sure if we would make it.........

It was because of this night, 11.4.11, that a stirring began..... and a call we could not run away from. Even in our hardest days here, then and now, there remains a depth of determination that not one of us can deny. This manifests in a variety of ways, and through each of our personalities........

Sometimes I think I see the ways it's impacted one of us more than another.... and then I see I am wrong. We have all been equally affected. What we choose to do with the "situation" requires some kind of motivation, for better or worse.

In the Book of Psalms, chapter 56, David speaks of the difficulties he had at a time in life where it seemed everything was after his happiness. I imagine this left him feeling as if he could hardly handle it all. In verse 8, he describes his belief that my God in heaven collects my tears, in a bottle and a book. He actually knows me......... He remembers you, me, us.......

I wondered if I would ever feel the same emptiness I felt the night of November 4th, and the answer is.... yes. I have. I am changed. I will never be the same. These emotions must serve my future and not aid my past. 
His intervention may not always come in my timetable or in the ways that I would like, but I do know one thing. It will come. He will come.

Three years later, my kids and I are spread out. Logan is at a Redondo Girls VB game with teammates, showing support to the girls on a big night. After hanging onto a Spanish project he had to do for the last two weeks, he chose to complete it today..... and appropriately so.

I leave you with this tonight.....after my tears are recorded, "then my enemies will turn back, when I call for help. By this I will know that God is for me. In God I trust; I will not be afraid. What can man do to me? For you have delivered me from death, and my feet from stumbling, that I may walk before God in the light of LIFE."

May the Lord be praised.

Life flashes.

There are feelings that I have that can be tough for me to put into words. As I flew out of L.A. airspace and across the country, it was as if the heavens opened up.......... and life returned. I could breathe again....... feeling unstifled and unconstricted.

My life parallels the journey I took this past Thursday into the weekend back home and a wedding I attended with John Hayes. I am betwixt two places, suspended in time and space, yet knowing where I need to be for now....

It was not until I sat in a traditional church, and listened to a Bride and her Groom make their declarations of love, that I felt some emotions I want to avoid. Suddenly, my life flashed before my eyes and I was seeing my own wedding day and then fast forward .........

I find myself to be way more cautious now, with the root of it feeling concerned with losing another one I invest my love in. I tend to put off dealing with emotions and questions that lead to more questions, or potential conflicts with the ones I love the most.

My last few visits to a church have also been the result of a death...... and that reality hit me hard; tears fell. I may not ever really go "back," but please don't lecture me on needing to go to "church", because that is not my intent in sharing this with you, but the reality many face and feel.......

It is very easily underestimated during divorces, deaths, or divisions. Either way there is a loss and the location at times is linked. It can end up being a place you never want to go back too.........These are my raw and unfiltered emotions of Fall 2014.....

Thankfully Jordan came for the weekend to attend a work event, as well as hang out in the household. I missed him until last night; however, his sense of humor helped us tremendously. His presence allowed me to leave a bit easier for a few days.

After breakfast together, clothes shopping, and a power business meeting, he returned to San Fran tonight. He has become even more competent and intelligent, strong and courageous. He really did have to "find himself" in the big city....... and I had to bless him to do it.

New plans for the blog, posts, pics, and overall layout ofwww.houseofsecretsblog.com are underway, and breathed new life into me again. Wonder how those "oxygen bars" really work;)

This week my new schedule starts........... as I prepare to "Come Home" by One Republic.

Goodnight and God bless.

Beyond beliefs.

I am thrilled beyond belief to know how many "friends" I have tonight.... and sincerely thank each of you for showing me so much love:) I have known all kinds of love in my life, and yet there is so much more to learn, feel, and live out.

A snowstorm on this day 3 years ago in Pennsylvania, knocked out power and took down trees all over our area. Labeled as a freak storm, this was a disruption at best. For me, it was the ultimate interruption in my portion of the world.......... and a day I will never forget.......

During the heart wrenching days of posting my trips to welfare and the social security office, credit card declines, bills to pay, a service to plan, a rental home to finish, and the list goes,..... did I begin to see a new course being laid out just for me, right before my very eyes. Pain would lead to purpose, as long as I could trust my perception.

I never had any interest in writing as a young person, strongly disliked a diary or journaling and felt that communicating was kind of a waste of time. But now, here I am............ and have kind of stumbled into it..... or perhaps there was a time to write.

As I turn 46, I am a mere semblance of my former self and in my experiences, I now can confidently tell you who I am. This list happens to include a single woman, widow, and mother............. .

In the times and seasons that have followed, I ask God for mercy, knowing His unfailing love and great compassion are two traits I wanted most, and hoped to share freely........ This community has become my new "home."

Welcome to my Life. Share in my Love. You are Home.

10/29/2014

No silence for the soul.

Some days I think I want to give back my perceived "destiny" ...... to God, wondering if He's got the wrong person here. Times too trying, tasks so immense I can hardly fathom how to accomplish them. But then, I find a way to speak life to my own soul..............

I know how I felt when loss hit my heart...... knowing I was changed forever, and I would forever change the world for good. Those memories are burned within my being and imprinted upon the soul, the seat of my emotions.

This first week after leaving the real estate world in Cali, I am getting my own rental affairs in order. I've been running on fumes for several years, and now is the time to refuel. I need my ventures to run as a well oiled machine, for now and what is to come. You see, I have great ambitions....

I am filling the homes I have coming available and again the demand is great back in Pennsylvania. I have some pondering to do. I'm taking the early part of this week to put a plan into action.... and then I will WRITE. This will be my new "job" and I am treating it as such.

I will be heading back to the East Coast this week, for a weekend wedding:) Can't wait to see my family and perhaps friends if I can fit it all in! When you come to California most people think it's a place one will never want to leave........

In the past week, God has been speaking to me about joy, particularly relating to my little niece Ava Joy. The great lyricist David, in Psalms 51:12 says, "restore to me the JOY of your salvation and grant me a willing heart to sustain me." The word restore often implies the need to return that which has been lost.......

David is asking for help...... needing to return to a time of innocence and hope, salvation. He also needed help to remain where he is was meant to be, for as long as he needed to be there, and to find joy in it. I think his message is a universal one, as so many souls feel this condition..........

"There are things we can do, But from the things that work there are only two, And from the two that we choose to do
Peace will win, And fear will lose
There's faith and there's sleep, We need to pick one please because
Faith is to be awake, And to be awake is for us to think
And for us to think is to be alive, And I will try with every rhyme
To come across like I am dying, To let you know you need to try to think

I have these thoughts, So often I ought, To replace that slot
With what I once bought, 'Cause somebody stole
My car radio, And now I just sit in silence. " (Car Radio)

My soul cannot be silent. (KC)

The evolution of emotions.

Transition. A passage of time; a change in energy level, a movement or connection. Finally, a period of time in labor prior to the delivery or birth of new life. Each of these indescribable moments in time, easy or difficult, are meant to produce meaning, from the evolution of emotion.

In the past 3 years I went from feeling somewhat settled in life, into this transitory time, undergoing physical, emotional, and mental change at an exponential rate. I don't know quite where I'll end up, but I know it will be better than the place I began.........

My kids are impressed I am actually working out on my own, after making the mental shift over the summer that I am worth it. As I look at each of them, I am continually challenged by who they are and how they have been untouched by this idea of "image" in the land of vanity and insanity...

Jordan and I continue to connect on deeper levels as we dare to dream of expanding my blog and network of resources to help others......... He now has the knowledge, having lived in SF 18 months, to enable our growth on the web. As for me, my commitment remains firm. It is the time to write.

Perhaps it makes no sense to let go of a position at a realty firm which paid a little, but every little bit helps, right? As a widow and single woman, I need everything I can get. However, I came to the point where my faith was becoming futile....... I have to take action and answer the call on a greater level, and trusting for a financial overflow........

Tomorrow, a fresh focus.

A most memorable day.

My Austin is turning 20 today and we celebrate his birthday in SoCal this year. Last year he was at Messiah College, 3000+ miles away from us. I can hardly remember those days. I guess I do have a short memory which can work to my advantage.........

I remember specifically the day he was born. Doug was working feverishly to complete a basement we were putting in, in a very small house we lived in. I was having contractions and had two young kids to care for on 10/25, while he worked. We left the house, after much urging on my part, knowing the time was drawing close for delivery

It was the end of October when we brought our little peanut home, and had no heat in the house. I didn't realize how cold it actually was because I was extra warm when pregnant........ needless to say, the work accelerated to complete this long project we ventured into.

Since those days, Austin continually challenges me in ways I don't feel ready for, as he is my most expressive, impressionable, and emotionally charged child:) He brings passion and purpose to whatever he has in his heart to do at the moment, which can change any minute, LOL 

He's always taken to things I least expected and hobbies that require a great amount of patience I didn't know he had:) Things like fishing, hunting, painting, and reading........ actually most things he learned from his dad........... but thank God he gets his rhythm from ME 

He has, as we have discovered in the last 3 years, an amazing gift of expressing himself in ways that others can connect to, whether in writing, playing or composing poetic and musical lyrics. His future ambitions are coming together as we find a way to combine his natural talent with his nurturing heart.........

As we remain committed to each other in this process of recovery, I look back to where we came from in a small, little cottage continually under construction in the woods of Pennsylvania. Those were times of building character for me...... and things I never would have expected I would have to do......

If those days of character building in me can serve as stepping stones for my son's future, then Austin will know "the steps of a good man are ordered by the Lord," Your verse for this year..............Psalms 37:23

I love you.

Can I be happy?

Portions of Psalms 23 have come to life for me and even become quite precious in the last 3 years...... it's as if when hearing these poetic words, I feel the restoration meant for my soul....... and I know there are times of refreshing. Today was one such day.

While my family was tested by extraneous circumstances this past week and particularly last night, I often have a knot in my stomach when uncertainties arise. But then, as if to counteract the negative, there is an automatic response I now also have....... there is no flight, ONLY flight in me.....

I did not stare hell down through hardship simply to turn and flee, when the enemy of my soul attempts to do damage to those I love and the communities I care about. Speaking life is now my mission; THAT is the gift SoCal has given me..... and I have paid a price to get here.

I said farewell to my new friends at Prudential CA in Hermosa Beach today, soon to be Berkshire Hathaway Home Services. The name will be changing in a week, as well as the location, and after wrestling with God this Fall, I knew another change was on the horizon for me. I had to face it head first........

After training a new girl to take my hours and position there, I am now super excited to begin the next phase of my personal journey! Through this office, I have met so many interesting people who I now call "friends", to which I will be forever grateful. My manager, Mistydawn, gave me a chance........ and I thank you so much:)

I have been asked by the man closest to me if I can be "happy", to which I have replied in the past, "I don't know when or how...... or if" some days. That has been my honest answer; however, in seeking to follow the perceived will of God for my life, I remain hopeful.

John has been nothing but patient, kind, and supportive..... I am super blessed. The future will flourish and you will be fascinated...........

Goodness and love ARE meant to follow me (and you), and I think I may be finding just that..........