Building was my late husband's trade; whatever he did with his hands he endeavored to do it well and with authenticity.....
I went into our relationship with little knowledge of the scope of his skills and talent when we first met at age 17. He was ten years ahead of me in age and life experience and I was the naive, young woman. I don't think either of us realized what "building" a marriage or life together would take......
Demands were placed on his time early on; his skills, knowledge, and energy was always in use, which left me feeling quite alone at times. I think I learned to compensate in some ways; in other ways, I kept hoping it would get better. Sometimes we realize a little too late things we should've done differently......
Had I not believed that my youngest son would have the work ethic and the attitude required to apply himself in our western adventure, I would not be here. I didn't have any second thoughts that he would do his best and make the most of this opportunity. I think we can potentially "build" something here.
I learned the hard way in my married life that creating anything of value requires vision...... whether an actual structure or solid relationship. The spiritual parallels the natural........ In each home we purchased, gutted, renovated and/or built from the ground up. the building process bonded us with a future. Without that future, we fail.
A snowy Valentine's day in 2007 was our "first day" on the job and he was unable to go to work, lol. Our faith never wavered; we knew this move took courage but it was the right one. Seven years later, after opening our joint business DT Group, Inc., I am ready to close it. I must be. The dream has come to an end.......
As our future together was removed, I am developing my own vision now and leaning on a faithful God to accomplish some mighty goals.
I've decided not to settle.
Heart and Soul.
Loss has a way of ushering in what can feel like the end. I felt like my heart could not accept any more pain and I literally felt an ache anytime I wanted to care deeply about anyone or anything. Over 2 1/2 years later, that pain is slightly less.
Even more powerful than the actual loss is the FEAR of loss. Your heart and mind become conditioned to the overall climate of who's next or what else can go wrong. Trust becomes broken between family who is distant, fair weather friends, and most importantly, a futile faith. We pray but it doesn't seem to help so I ask how a "loving God" would let something so tragic, so painful, happen to me?
Over the years, I've searched for answers to those hard questions, and I can only share with you my experiences...... with authenticity and honesty. While our community back home struggles to grasp the loss of many young lives in recent years, I share the same sentiments the Apostle Paul wrote when he said:
"I thank God every time I remember you. In all my prayers for all of you, I always pray with joy because of your partnership in the good news from the first day until now, and being confident of this, that he who began a good work, will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus. It is right for me to feel this way about all of you, since I have you in my heart......"
Distance may separate us but I remain connected and I have ideas I will be sharing in the coming days to bring hope and a future to those who need it. I know I need it. My kids need it. Reminding my kids they had a future was a key ingredient in our recovery from loss, but I had to really believe it..... and embrace it.
This community is a core for life. Let the expansion begin!
Investments.
Even though it seems most everything I do has been for and about my kids in one way or another, I am realizing more and more that I need to make myself a priority. I will no longer worry or feel guilty about it; I'm getting a revelation.
Perhaps it's because I am now a single woman or finding my feminine side again, but I get that I should give to myself first. Because I am giving by nature, I'm not worried about getting out of balance. For me, putting myself first at this point in my life, will only enhance what I give to others......
Last June while visiting Hermosa Beach we somehow failed to put quarters in the street meter, even though we all acknowledged it was there. It was unexplainable and left me with a fine of almost $50 to pay. I remember choosing to look at it as an "investment" in my future.
Less than a year later, I am managing the Prudential CA office in HB:) I'm enjoying the light duties and low stress because it's what I need in my life right now; it is the right season and time. Any further career advancements can come a little later. I hope to finally breathe a bit......
Tonight my baby boy is at a Sadie Hawkins Dance at Mira Costa High School in Manhattan Beach. Oh, The Places He Will Go...... as one of my favorite Dr. Seuss books says:) As I dropped him off at his friend's house, the moment was very surreal. He is making his way.
My daughter is spending the weekend in Vegas, her first time, and doing what she loves most..... playing volleyball:) She was very excited to have the opportunity. She continues to look for a part time job that will fit her career ideas, as she's completing her final marketing class for graduation in May. Hoping she finds something soon......
I registered Logan for his first beach tournament with the CBVA which I liken to the grass tournaments every weekend in the East. He's looking to get rated and go from there. More details to come. Austin's going to have the Toyota this weekend:)
Handling health insurance changes now that we've been approved by another company here. I guess handling transactions and transitions will be something I can add to the "skills" portion of my resume', lol. You'll always underestimate your abilities until you test yourself and find out what your capabilities actually are.
There is hell to pay in that process but the results can be rewarding. Experience is what I'm basing my "economy" on..........
California Dreaming
My main goal, even immediately following my husband's shocking death, was to focus on my kids and their future. I needed to remind them and myself that a future still remained, in spite of losing the one we loved.
After intensive transitions and painful processes of starting over, I think I'm finally coming to the end of my laborious work. Handling business, insurance changes, paperwork and tons of other items have kept me very preoccupied and pressured. Nothing or no one could have prepared me for this.
Because I've acted in accordance with that belief, it is now time to live in the present and definitely the season for me to write. My current situation is finally making this possible:) I'm finding a new found freedom and feel a refreshing coming.......
Sometimes it's very hard to know who to trust as I've had to go it on my own in many respects ........ but thankfully, I have found great support from a few new friends here. Because of our boys, VB, and timing, paths are crossing and friendships are being forged.
Whenever there is a new level to reach or a higher goal to grasp, there is always a mental challenge to overcome, as much as the physical. Am I good enough, strong enough or sharp enough..... do I have what it takes to make it are all questions that demand an answer. You must believe in yourself before others will believe in you......
Tonight was a great game for Redondo Union with Logan seeing playing time on defense with the Varsity team. He and I have had some very meaningful talks in recent weeks, again showing me the young man he is fast becoming. Chynna will be traveling with her club team for play this weekend, while Austin and I continue to establish residency here.
A new friend has encouraged me to get back into the game myself which makes me laugh. Maybe I could somehow find time to do something for me..... a novel idea, one that's been out of reach for so long.
Guess I will keep dreaming.......... Goodnight.
Fast Forward.
Two languages are universally known to man, however, only one has been recognizable..... that is love. The other one kept hidden is loss. No matter where I go, it's only a matter of time before stories are shared. In a new area, whether callously or carefully expressed, the truth is told.
This "land"is a lot of what I expected and equally as much, I am getting an education. There are definite characteristics of SoCal I have seen, now having spent a decent amount of time here. Some portrayals are accurate; some are images, but a lot is in the attitude......
Back East, we jump right in to help, with concern for oneself almost an afterthought. That's how I was raised and our kids were raised. Hope that quality runs deep as they continue to develop their own lives.
My daughter has been told she's not from L.A., based on the first few minutes of talking with others and the depth in which she converses. Since leaving home, I see the desire for independence coming out and appropriately so. Talk of relationships, roommates, rentals..... all natural things dreamed of at a young age. We got here... that was her first step.
For me, It is hard to be alone and wonder how my kids will find their future; I feel so responsible........ we're doing the right things so I know it's just my own concerns:/ A lot has to come together, but more has to happen.
Jordan's job is going well and he's looking into getting a passport for the first time ever. He's on board to do a Tough Mudder in Vancouver with coworkers from his firm, and so he's in training, lol:) Part of the company is based in Vancouver and the connection is there. He continues to search for another room to rent in SF.
When love is lost, or loss hits home, it's as if time slows down and almost stops for a while. I've found this only lasts for a brief time unless I intentionally make time stand still. I wanted to keep things the same, to keep the status quo, but I would betray myself and my prevailing attitude in life......
These days... time is on fast forward.
Soaking.
A day filled with volleyball brought me the reminder I definitely needed and focused me again on the reason I'm here. Sitting on Hermosa Beach was like a very hot summer day back East, only it's March! Big crowds, little parking. Some days I wonder where I am headed....... most of my kids love it here.
Chynna is making her way onto the scene, slowly finding VB connections and planning her course. It's very tough to be at the top in one arena and then start all over in another area. As she trained on the beach Friday, pro players were on the court beside her and Austin:)
Today she participated in the USA VB High Performance Beach tryouts for her age group and met several girls; good stuff for her reffing and playing. She keeps persevering. Good things take time.......
Austin reffed a total of 24 games Saturday and I made three trips to Anaheim in one day because we're down to one car until tomorrow. No time for me to sleep in or catch up this weekend. He's getting lots of sun and his hair is getting blonder:)
I soaked up the hot sun watching Logan tryout with his group for High Performance Beach, for the first time ever. He's recognizing familiar faces after being here almost 7 months. Being minutes from Hermosa is the only possible way it can happen.
My babies are growing up and as they dream their own dreams, I'm reminded of how mine have changed. As I set goals and think about the future, my situation becomes even more real. A housing change here will be in the near future, reevaluating financial needs, trying to squeeze everything I can out of what we have. It gets old. Keeps me focused on the need to write.... and expand.
This new normal is weird, scary, exciting, invigorating, and challenging but......
"Belief is not a matter of choice but of conviction." (source unknown)
Labor Pains
This has been a hellish week on many levels but as its said, "what doesn't kill me will make me stronger." I never really took those words to heart; it seemed like a facetious saying to me. But I find I "die daily" as the Apostle Paul said, to pursue the reasons I am on this soil......
Loss has the potential to eat away at one's mental capacity and the ability to comprehend or grasp even the simplest of tasks. I am now in a greater "mental toughness" training, lol. A purpose is served and that purpose feeds a fire for the future.
Based on the week, looks like I may need to give up one PT to gain something better. Keeping my integrity in this land of vanity seems to be my test for 2014. I will pass.
Took the Toyota to the shop tonight after it began making scraping noises:/ This means I'm up early in the a.m. to take my two to Anaheim to ref, since we'll be down to one car and I need to get around. Oh joy.
Because I am forced to change residency, I am now searching for new healthcare coverage as a result. My current company does not do business here:/ PA has been difficult in many ways; CA, a bit more relaxed in certain business aspects.
It seems our loss has facilitated a massive amount of acceleration.... which has been my life for over 28 months now. When one thing seems settled, there's another to follow up on.
Bringing Austin here ahead of schedule has also accelerated our housing needs, causing us to rely on the aid of our friends from Brazil. His plans for community college are coming together, as he and Chynna visited this week and began the process. After a year of residency, we'll look at further options. He loves it here and is happy.
When a child loses a parent, it can cause a child to want to remain a child and not "grow up." Likewise, the opposite can take effect, making one mature quickly. We have honestly struggled with both aspects and I've desperately needed to know the needs of my individually kids.
Because I believe in each and their potential, I have continually pushed, as a woman giving birth.........
I know the pain is with purpose. Goodnight and peace.
Magnetic
Sometimes there are pieces that fit together in my life that create something great; other times, the picture isn't quite clear. I only see in part and not the whole picture at one time. The beauty of life is as the story unfolds.... a picture of love is painted......
As I reflect on my time with my Prudential Patt, White friends in PA, I am very grateful. Those were big steps....... and one key piece of this larger vision expanding for my life. I've had a fast paced week in the Beach Office of Prudential CA, but I'm loving every minute of it.
Loss has gifted me with a position....... another new vision unfolding. I am so fortunate to be finding connections, across the nation, with those who open their hearts to me, and share their experiences. It's as if there's a magnetic draw, one heart to another.
The issue is a sensitive one and although I want to guard my heart in some ways, careful to protect myself from pain, I find a way to relate. It isn't in a sorrowful way but the result of turning those sorrows into a thing of beauty.
For me, it was very difficult to say goodbye for now to my friends back home. I miss everyone so much; in the early months, it was hard to talk about without tears much like people yearn for the past. I had simply hoped I could make it here....... and still do:)
As I hear the hope in my kids' voices, I am ever energized. I somehow find a way to keep up the pace and keep pushing. I see the glorious unfolding beginning, particularly from my youngest.
Chynna is putting her coaching skills to good use at Cal State LB, working up drills for her team tonight. Her school days are long with VB following her class schedule those days, but she is where she belongs.... on the court.
Beauty. Love. Grace. Reflection.
Spreading Hope
There was a time in the life of Jesus when his friend and follower Peter was asked what he believed of his friend. Who did he believe he was, what he could be or do was the question posed to this man. Peter came to the point of needing to confront his own convictions. What would his answer be?
When you have a goal or purpose to fulfill, there comes a time of care in who you allow to speak into your life. Anything contradictory to the calling has to be weighed carefully, as not to delay your purpose. I have found this especially true in moving on from loss..........
I found myself sitting in a country club in Palos Verdes, California today, a place I would only ever dream of entering. During the course of the morning, I listened to the story of a woman whose husband suffered a devastating loss and lived. Only a few in the room know my story....... yet.
As communities across the nation feel the sting of suffering, wondering how to leverage the loss deeply felt, I know one thing....... we all need hope. We all need to know there IS a future. When the future is removed, what is the point of living.......
It is when there is the hope of a future that I want to call on God more. I want to reach out, expecting reciprocation.
When Peter spoke contradictory words which would remind Jesus of the loss He would feel, the pain He would experience, and the trauma His body would undertake, He responded fiercely. As the reminder of loss sought to stick in His mind and deter Him from His purpose, He said "get behind me."
He knew going forward, His sole purpose of hope and redemption was foremost in His mind. Loss would not hold Him captive.
Today I reminded myself of that very same thing...... and spoke those same words allowed. I will find the same result.
Hope for the future...... it is spreading.