Victory in PV.

You know, there have been a lot of days where there's been "hell" to pay...... 2 1/2 years ago was one of them. If you're on a journey through transition and onto transformation, it probably means like me, you've been there and back many times. But that's okay.....

There are so many uncertainties.... and I can choose to focus on fears or face them down with courage and conviction. I did just that today, as I continue to press for answers regarding getting approval for Austin to live here. I can't say too much more about the situation, but you're getting the picture.

All your comments, support, and love I feel from home and here have been so empowering..... I cannot thank you enough, from the bottom of my heart. We are here for all of you, as much as our dreams......

As we come through another "hell week" here, we do have good news to share... Logan received an invitation from USA VB, to return for transition week in May, as a Beach High Performance Athlete:) He will train on Hermosa Beach next week to see if he can make it as part of an elite team of U19s. We'd been waiting for an email and it came today.... on the 4th:)

We packed up from our comfy, feels like home, hotel and heading to the apartment at noon. Chynna and I took a drive to Palos Verdes or PV as it's locally known, a place of serenity and beauty almost in our "backyard." We talked about her dad......

He was a forerunner for us, having moved to Bakersfield, CA, almost 30 years ago. He worked in a cabinet shop but at some point, decided to return to the East. I suppose he couldn't see a future here for himself, but perhaps prepared the way somehow.... for his family's future.

We know he'd love access to the beach, physical activities, like running, and swimming. I think he'd even try surfing; being physically active and fit was important to him, almost obsessively so. He instilled that importance to his family and the kids are stronger than they've ever been.... in many ways.

My husband was always the "strong" one, physically speaking, but I too, feel stronger now. The irony is that so many things have tried to weaken my will. Since determining to change my patterns, I'm walking more than ever and I feel a mental shift taking place. "Fit for His use." Love you all.

"All This Time"........ One Republic

Joy Unspeakable.

It seems that I'm more of a threat as a single female than I was when married to a strong, healthy male. I don't get it...... little me, a threat.

Issues towards me personally, at my apartment building, have escalated and are at a high level. I knew the manager had a problem with me early on but I didn't know how much. The stories I can tell.....

The boys and I are spending two nights in a local hotel which was totally unexpected. I never do like dealing with control freaks..... and this one is wicked. Fortunately, I'm finding a lot of local support and I'll keep you posted and update as I can.

Good news is that the boys and I know 100% we will be moving and are trusting God to guide us to the right place. The thought of apartment searching is something I don't relish, but like most everything I've tackled in recent years, it's a necessary evil. I have to do it.

When bad things happen and seems to make no sense, I find my constant in the belief that everything will work for good, if I'm acting in accordance with where I need to be. Something good WILL come out of this present crisis.......

To repeat the words of a VB friend today who said, "don't let her steal your joy....." and like I said in a prior post, I'm fighting like hell to keep it.
(pardon my language.)

Chynna's heading into Hollywood to see friends tonight. Changes are on the way for her, as she will probably be accepting a new offer coming up:) More to come.

Tomorrow will mark our 2 1/2 year point, Logan reminded me earlier.

May is going to bring multiplication and in a fast way. We're in for the ride of lives......

Sending love and joy from Southern Cal:) Goodnight.

Struggles.

Since the path of my life took a drastic and unexpected turn in the fall of 2011, I can totally understand the impact of post traumatic stress. It seems a shift happens in the psyche and it becomes tough to feel anymore........

David, the King, Psalmist, and creative genius, shared his heart and emotions in a most eloquent way. He exposed himself in ways that seem contradictory and contrasting, as he shared his daily struggles in dealing with life and death.

He put himself out there and became a target for those he offered his help to, those he was willing to serve. As he took his brothers food on the battlefield, he was even dealing with insecurities and threats because of their own issues. This didn't deter him, only emboldened....

I figure if even after all that drama, he could step up to slay his giant with one well placed stone, perhaps that is just what I should being praying for as well....

This week's been a blur with business to deal with, as changes imposed upon me in health and homeowner's insurances become clearer... and yet in the midst of it all, I've done things I never have before. If the old passes, the new can come forth.

I say goodbye to April, a month of unveiling, acceleration and change, in ways I wasn't quite prepared for. I always want to align myself with the will of God and do my best to find it.

If you're not in the right place at the right time, it doesn't matter how "well" you're doing...... which is why David could stand on a battlefield, "unarmed", with his wits about him and be a winner. I want the same.

I thought I was stronger with a partner rather than as a single woman, but my experience is telling me the exact opposite. Picking out my stone......

Peace.

I think possibly now more than ever in my life, I am looking to live in peace. It seems, however, that is not entirely in my control. Since coming west, it seems someone is always looking to take my peace from me........ but I'm not giving it up.

When you decide to do something different with your life, or your journey takes a path less traveled, the hordes of hell come against it. If I don't embrace my destiny, I will become bitter about it. I'm challenged to "love" those who seem to enjoy causing conflicts.

Logan and I continue to talk through the things he misses from home, as he's now at the 9 month mark of his move. We keep our focus on the future because we can't bring back the past....... and is going back really an option......

We are nearing the end of the long HS VB season as the Redondo Seahawks are closing in on their last matches. Because you can play year round, there is really no end to it. Lots of options with beach, club, and weekend tournaments. The push to the end of spring season is in sight.

Chynna is settling into her new place in Redondo Beach. She and I will now schedule times for coffee or lunch:) Hoping her boss works with her VB training schedule coming up in May. Things are falling into place for her. She's a different person now than the first few months here.... more to come.

Austin's practice with El Camino's Club Team went well; they're in off season now. He will return every Monday to play indoors with the team, so we will see where that leads him. He's focused on song writing and his music in the meantime, until school begins in May.

As for me, I'm looking for fun which is still foreign in some ways. My gas mileage sucks because of the short distances I'm driving these days and doing a lot of it. Possibly heading to LAX tomorrow to pick up a friend of Austin's for a quick visit. It's good I don't mind driving.

I am feeling more inspired to use the stress brought on by others for my own fuel and fire. Rather than be overcome by it, I want to try to conquer it. I've learned that being at peace is something that requires discipline, as part of my mental training.

Not everyone has peace, nor do they know how to keep it but they're just the ones who want to steal mine.

Fire.

Relationships are often tested..... to see what they're made of and built upon. In the early days, there can be infatuation. Latter times bring real love.... if meant to be. Strength, purpose and endurance need to be tested to find out if it will survive. If it does, you're blessed:)

This often happens when making a move, changing a lifestyle, or improving oneself. If you find you've progressed beyond your past in pursuit of your purpose, it can be tricky to maneuver. No easy answers.... I simply have to know where I want my future to lie.....

I continue to discipline my mental game as mind games are played in several ways here. I remind myself I have to be above it and can't get pulled down into it all. If I go there, it's tough to get out. That, in itself, requires great discipline. Training the mind may be the toughest part.

It's looking like local beach papers are contacting us for interviews, similar to the article the Patriot ran a few months ago:) More details to follow. Learning all the time how to maneuver and navigate these waters...... and go with the flow.

And perhaps I'm going to be an Aunt again soon??!!!??? More news to come on that one too, lol:)

Logan spent time training with our HS beach coach and I rearranged my closet:D I baked a shoofly cake, one of our favorite reminders of PA and one I can actually replicate pretty well:)

Jordan continues to inspire me with his ambition, focus, and intelligence. He teaches me so much, from afar, and in many ways, is ahead of most. Looking forward to his visit the end of May!

My kids and I, my family and I, have had our relationship tested by fire, and that fire has tested the quality inside each of us. With absolute honesty and genuine hearts, we have loved each other through some of the worst things in life. We have fought for each other, and continue to.

I am so very grateful to hear the kids talk of the love of their childhood, the area and community we were part of, and the many relationships we've built over the years. My late husband and I gutted out some hardships and heartfelt moments. In the end..... it's all been worth it.....

"I Can't Stay"..... The Killers

Regrets.

A few short months ago, I couldn't imagine things changing any more than they already had in my life. I set out on this journey west, fully present in the decision making and determination to persevere. There were days of difficulty I didn't know if I could bear........

After our move, I couldn't imagine being without my daughter; her dreams were our driving force to get here. But on this last Saturday in April, we moved her into her own place, without hurt in my heart or tears in my eyes. I freely let her go.....

I think the initial process of "letting go," no matter the situation or circumstance, may be the hardest hurdle to jump because of history and meanings behind memories ..... but it seems to have gotten a little easier. My focus is shifting, just as my life has.

My closet is literally very empty, so I'm quite motivated to build my wardrobe ..... and myself. There are things I've wanted to do for myself for a very long time, to get "stronger." I hope to begin to make some things happen, like long walks on the beach to clear my head and heart.......

It can become so very hard to let go. For me, to live life without regrets is to actively engage it, every single day. The intentional decision has to be an internal one.......

Our "mourning" is meant to "last for a night" because "joy comes in the morning." a Psalm of David.

Goodnight.

Crystallized.

As I expand in this area and word of our past back East is spreading, I find sharing specifics still surreal. I wonder how I can calmly speak to the hope that lies within me, that has kept me living, in the wake of circumstances completely out of my control.

I hear myself sharing the condensed version, seeing and feeling the impact the words make upon a person who has taken the time to talk or get to know me. Many are afraid to ask, while a few feel comfortable enough to speak to me about it. That's the way meaningful connections are made........

I've been studying the life of Moses in Exodus of the Bible, where many adventures began. While he was doing something ordinary, living his life, tending sheep, an extraordinary opportunity came his way.

He was on the "far side of the desert" which I imagine to be a very lonely place. During this time, he noticed a bush that was on fire, but not burning up; it was all aflame but not consumed. He saw this from a distance initially, but decided to take a closer look. It was in taking the look that he realized something spectacular was right in front of his face.

What had been ordinary ground was transformed into something holy...... Had he not taken the time to look, he would've missed the purpose of his time in this desert.... where he was alone, where it seemed there was nothing of value. It was in this setting, things would become much clearer in his life. His difficult past would be used for a purpose.......

Tonight Logan is playing videos he and best friend Dillon Wright made in their younger days back home. Those were great times:) We miss you Dillon..... but love these memories!
Austin's going to El Camino College to sign up for Club VB, after having made contact with the coach. Other opportunities are coming for him as he continues to ref for USA VB on weekends, and is looking into volunteer coaching in Hermosa Beach.

When a plan is laid out and a purpose is made clear, I just have to say yes....... even if I don't know what lies ahead if I let go of the past.

"Crystallized." Young the Giant

Dependents.

When my husband passed on unexpectedly, the one thing staring me in the face was the issue of dependency. I was with him since age 17; he was ten years older and always seemed wiser. I automatically care for.

As I now faced my future alone, I knew there would be a radical shift from how I had spent the past 25 years. I did not feel ready..... I honestly still don't. I really have no choice but to shift my perspective into a healthier one. This has been an ongoing process for me........

It's taken me six months here in Southern Cal, but I've come to accept things with ease, more than I used too. While I learn what it's like to be independent at my age, my daughter is as well. Beginning this weekend, she should be settling in with a roommate, in a rental place of her own. She's already taken half the closet with her:/

My family reminisced on this day, marking what would've been my "special" nephew Skyler's 18th birthday. He passed on just 17 months after his Uncle Doug, much to our surprise. I so clearly remember the day of Skyler's birth, and the days leading up to it. They were traumatic to say the least. His prognosis was dire, but we knew better..... and he lived for 17 years.......

Skyler was dependent on his parents, family, teachers, and caregivers for his care while on earth. But, in hindsight, we were the ones who came to depend on him...... his smiles, giggles, sense of humor, and funny phrases or sounds.

It is in his memory and in honor of his life I say Happy Birthday Skyler. I know where you are and can guess what you're doing........ you were a great teacher to us all.

"Never say never, because limits, like fears, are often just an illusion....."
Michael Jordan

Heart Bleed.

When the "heart bleed" virus was revealed early in April, it was as if the timing paralleled personal matters. Having walked through tragedy and trauma in life, I wondered if my heart would ever heal..... or would I need to live with the overwhelming ache I felt.

Some days I'd think I was beyond that point until someone "touched" my heart and an emotion was triggered.... releasing hidden emotions, trapped inside. My first few months here I had trouble distinguishing whether it was a good or bad feeling, because the two seemed so intertwined.

The goodness of a friend brought tears, as my heart felt such gratitude. Likewise, the same gift of goodness would open up a place in me that was bruised, I wanted to cover over, but could not. In order to heal, I had to expose my pain........

Because of that willful exposure, my heart is definitely healing. Some very good things are taking place in my life in southern California.

And because I have wonderful family who have reciprocated in supporting our dreams and desires, we are able to advance. We could never do this without our support and love back home.

This is transition week for Chynna, as she's now living elsewhere and continues to take a few loads of clothes and items along with her. She met her potential new roommate tonight and things are looking up. The first few months here gave her time to determine what she wants in life and she knows she wants to live without regrets.......

We are learning how to juggle two cars and four drivers which sucks:/ Some days I'm not sure how we'll figure it out, but we will do it somehow. Another car is too much for my budget right now, as I'm getting new health insurance in place and will be apartment hunting in the near future.

I've learned that my problems are temporary, but my HOPE is eternal. If your heart is hurting, you can find healing.

Goodnight and Love.

Breath.

Our Easter Sunday was quite different than any we've known before. We sort of lost out on the Easter baskets and family dinner, egg hunts, and picture taking this time. Instead we face timed with my oldest and reflected on the reason for the season.....

The twists and turns their journey with Jesus took His friends, family, and followers on, had to be thrilling and enthralling. Yet, in spite of all His talk of the future that awaited Him. the shock of witnessing the death of this man had to be truly traumatic. You just never think it will happen to you......

Mary must have frantically searched for answers to impossible questions when she looked for His body, after His death. Where had His body been taken, seeing that the Tomb was empty, on the third day:)

I've had my "cross" to bear, or burden to carry, but Christ somehow knowing the journey before him, found joy in it all. He had to have His eye on some amazing future......

Today, on this first Easter holiday away from the East Coast, I cooked a simple Easter meal and face timed with family. Later the kids were off to Hermosa beach to play VB while I cleaned up; some things never change:/

As I faced an unprecedented amount of obstacles and unexpected happenings this weekend, it leaves me a bit bewildered. I found things I wasn't looking for and I went looking for something I did not find. I am, however, finding new joy.......

My prayer is for the same breath to be released which gave life and purpose to those who thought they lost Him....

That breathe began a revolution.......

Reflections.

On this Good Friday, I reflect on years gone by, when we were in our hometown in Pennsylvania, looking forward to the Easter holiday together. Something that can be taken for granted, as if it will always be there........

It was one year ago, Easter Day, when my oldest shared with my family his plans to travel west. A crazy thought that seemed so incredible and adventurous.... and necessary. Loss has a tendency to suck the life out of a person, if the life left is not fostered and protected. And so he went.....

Sometimes I think not only loss, but the fear of it, controls a person as much as the event itself. We become a little more cautious, a bit more protective, not wanting anything else in life to cease to exist, for any reason.

As tough as it was to bid Jordan farewell, I knew it had to let it happen. Rather than focus on the loss, he is now living again......

Today Chynna received news we could only dream of hearing... she's been invited to participate in the USA Beach Volleyball HP, U23 Team, in an Olympic development training program. This will begin early May in Hermosa Beach, pretty much down the street a short distance.

Trusting all the details will work out with her new job and finishing up classes at Cal State Long Beach. So excited to see where her dreams could take her..... it's taken persistence, reflection, and determination to keep going at times, but she's always been up to a challenge. Check out her FB page if you get the change:)

A real estate agent told me today I remind him of a famous female race car driver, as he assumed a few things about me. One of those being that I'm a fast mover, lol:) I realize that as much as I have physically kept moving, I have done that much more in the spiritual sense.......

"I know that there's a meaning to it all, a little resurrection every time I fall"

Sound Waves.

"One Day"

"Sometimes I lay, Under the moon, and thank God I'm breathing
Then I pray, Don't take me soon, 'Cause I am here for a reason

Sometimes in my tears I drown, But I never let it get me down
So when negativity surrounds, I know some day it'll all turn around..."

It's no secret that my taste in music follows the trends my 16 year old finds; he seems to have his ear to the ground to hear the heartbeat of heaven... and what the current sound is..... it keeps me moving and in the flow.

I feel really done with strife in my life, or perhaps it's the California air and influence:) Around the beach cities area, there is definitely a "no stress" attitude that suits me fine, lol. Getting past layers of superficiality, there is something special here........

I've come across quite the variety of people in the past few weeks, as I meet and greet many, two of whom were "authors." After reading their material I thought, "I can definitely do that" and so I continue on in my pursuits, with summer deadlines in mind.

Today, I was told I look like a doctor, ha ha, one I never heard before! Perhaps I can set my sights higher than I thought and need to remind myself of that. I do know that our "One Day" is now.

Transitions are tricky times. There are so many things that attack emotions and break down stability. It's so easy to give up and go it alone.... or tell ourselves that's what is needed. Truth is, no one really wants to be alone......

That word is a powerful one and used as a tool to threaten internally... and create an irrational fear used to control. After the death of my husband, the word "alone" was tossed about, somewhat carelessly and callously. I constantly resisted its attachment to my soul because I know am never alone..... I know my God in heaven has not left me, forgotten me, or forsaken me.

Over 2 1/2 years later, you will find me still speaking life to any death inside of me... and all around me. Life is the sound of heaven.......