Walls.

When relationships end, whether in life or loss, it leaves behind a void.... an emptiness that seems impossible to fill. My human emotion is to keep busy, as to not feel anything further, or focus on what I'm missing. Eventually, you can only run so far.... and so fast.....

In spite of filling our lives with anything and everything available these days, that emptiness will always be there until you find satisfaction. For each of us, what fulfills is unique to your own life. God spoke to the prophet Ezekiel about His search for someone who would "build up the wall and stand in the gap on behalf of the 'land'", but HIs efforts were unsuccessful.

We build walls everyday based on words spoken that bring life to our soul, or crush our spirit; those walls stay erected, creating a way for emptiness to rest.... hurt and pain will grow, unless someone bridges that gap. I hope I can be that someone, in some way. Through experiences I share, I trust you will feel a little less empty.......

I learned a long time ago that what I walked through in this life was all about me. We get caught up in what others are doing or involved in, and forget ourselves. Selfishness is rampant; however, there is a way to focus on self and not become self-centered. I am finally gaining a healthy viewpoint........ vanity v. purity. Only one will win out.

Intervene.

Reliving moments has never been quite my style, even the good ones. I revel in it but realize they are times past. They were good then, but now there is more. Day by day, I'm taking time to pen what I hope is my first book in the making. The "reliving" is a stretch for me.....

But it is in the midst of these moments I'm forced to face my past, that I remember all the goodness poured out in our suffering. Prayers flowed, as tears fell. Very few times was there one without the other.....Many stood in the gap for us and still do.

It is in standing in the gap for another, intervening in prayer, practical support, love and patience, does the emptiness become filled. If no one steps in that place of support, emptiness fills the vacuum loss leaves in its wake.... and then it takes years and years to recover. Be the one who does something.

As myself and the kids think of a family back home who is feeling such pains tonight, our hearts go out. May God be with you.....

I've been grateful to find those closest to us to be faithful; there are some who will be with me always, and others counted on for a period of time. As I again feel pushed into something new, I have to make choices to move with this flow or fight against it. I'm choosing the former.....

I worked a long day today, 8:30-5:30, and actually enjoyed it:) School is winding down with finals this week for Logan, which we both are tired of studying for, lol. June is a packed month and looks like we may be adding one more thing..... more details to come.

I'm determined to search for real happiness here........ and anticipate finding it. I've traded in the former for the future.

Offerings.

With June being known for its weddings and graduations, one thing is certain.... these are beginnings and celebrations....... never knowing what life holds or where it will take you. You are free to dream......

It is quite amazing if you have someone in your life, whether friends, family or one you're fond of, who makes you feel special. Being 3000 miles away from ours, reminds me of how precious it is to make those connections and keep them strong......

In this new locale and lifestyle, I am far more aware of how lofty love is and how lucky one is to find the real thing. As for my young ones, they've got a few stories on fun, friends, and "flakes." The futility is staggering. Most keep things on the surface and that's as close as you'll get.

The search for substance continues........

NBA Finals began tonight and so in keeping with my tradition, I tuned in to see the Spurs and the Heat play Game 1! My love of the game stems back to Logan's birth and late night feedings:) In the next few days, we celebrate Logan and Chynna's will follow.

I've made a tough decision in the last two weeks, based on smart business rather than guilt ridden emotions of loyalty. I can tell I'm moving beyond some old ways.....
Getting in place one of the last pieces, I think, relating to insurance coverage I've been forced to make. Out with the old, in with the new, in yet another way.

As I continue to be squeezed and pressed on many sides, I hope it's only serving to produce some good, sweet "wine"...... saving the best for last:)

Life is poured out as an offering....... (the Apostle Paul)

Happies.

As Logan, Chynna and I drove cross country in our Toyota Corolla almost ten months ago, there was a song that somehow moved to the top of our playlist. " The song is called "The Pursuit of Happiness"...........

I think of happiness tonight after a day spent at a beach nearby, watching the water. Seeing five dolphins swimming with the waves was something I had never seen before. There have been many new experiences in my life, some really good, and others very hard.

Loss has precipitated my growth and the kids, in leaps and bounds; in part, because of purpose, and the rest is intention. I choose to take the good from the bad, and glean so I can gain........

By exposing myself and the kids to a new lifestyle, we learn even more what to appreciate, and what is worth the work.

Logan was able to join Team Rockstar and attend the USA v. Russia VB game at CSLB in the pyramid. To see players like Clay Stanley and Reid Priddy among the crowd was really cool, as well as hang with high caliber coaches. His club director Matt Fuerbringer is an assistant coach to the team.

Living here, it's commonplace to attend activities like this. For us, it is absolutely amazing, but we've learned not to take things for granted. There is always something to do or some place to go. We still pick and choose what is possible for financial reasons, but so thankful when it's affordable.

We celebrate Logan's birthday tomorrow with a club tournament at ASC, where my two are also reffing. Jordan continues his path, now in a new place in the Bernal Heights area of SF. He has learned to travel lightly, live simply, but is now ready to feel "settled," in a good way:)

From an outside perspective it may look as if good things simply come and we're prospering in this new place; however, it's taken a strong mental game to start over. I thought I knew what it was to be happy..........

"The attitude of a champion, the heart of an athlete, and the mind of the winner is all that is necessary for success....." Logan Gehman

 

Steadfast.

As I read the sentiments of my kids on this special evening, I have many thoughts of my own. Even though we're new at navigating this journey, you can see how moments are never forgotten. The kids never ever lose count of the days....

I reflect on my knowing that this was not a one time event, but a life changing moment that happened in minutes; one prepared for me long ago...... nothing out of the hand of my Father in heaven who understands far more than I.

You never know what you're ready for until you're forced to rise to an occasion, or face defeat. Most have that overpowering fear..... what if life isn't what I want it to be..... then what. We are living proof there is life beyond loss, and a hope that defies any odds stacked against it.

This song and beat flow with the rhythm of my heart right now..... Enjoy.

OF MONSTERS AND MEN LYRICS - Slow And Steady

Lyrics to "Slow And Steady" song by OF MONSTERS AND MEN: The lights go out, I am all alone All the trees outside are buried in the snow I spend my night danc...

AZLYRICS.COM

 

Preparation.

Coming to California was by far one of the hardest things we've ever done. In so many ways, we've come so far.... in other ways, we have a long way to go. With the right elements coming together at the right time and season, "magic" can happen..... for anyone.

Sometimes you know you need a change in life but you just don't know what to do.... I always say you have to do something. Nothing will change if I don't change. I don't expect people around me to do what only I can. I will always be disappointed if my faith lies in another person.

June began in a big way and only two days in. Lots of plans to expand going into summer. I will be adding more content to my posts at houseofsecretsblog.com, as well as finishing the first draft of a book I'm working on. 
Be passionate about your purpose; persuaded beyond the preparation it takes to get further. In just one day, everything can change.

Tonight we celebrated Logan's first season as a Redondo Seahawk, in a crowded room at H.T. Grill in Redondo Beach. I think our teams have the best looking group of guys, as well as great looking coaches:) This has "never ever happened before" was a phrase coined this evening.

Our decisions felt affirmed tonight, as he earned his first Varsity letter in the west, along with his Scholar Athlete Award. His time will come in a big way going forward; hard work does eventually pay off. We're very thankful for what lies ahead, rather than being passionate about the past.

Lord willing.....

http://photos.dailybreeze.com/2014/05/photos-redondo-volleyball-logan-gehman/

Calling.

King Solomon realized that life comes and goes, there are cycles and seasons to it. To know the time and season is far more valuable than anything, and perhaps made him glad he asked the Lord for wisdom, when he had the opportunity to ask for anything......

He came to realize all things had been done before; nothing new was under the sun. Experiences and ecstasies would come and go. If life brought forth futility, then making the most of it and finding meaning in it was a mystery to discover.....

Life will never be what it once was.... there's no going back to former glory or reliving special moments. We can only make new memories and create the moments we want.

The past few months have brought about a realignment for me, facilitating more internal changes, visible externally. I've decided to figure out how to dig deep and really see what I'm made of..... and not fear what I find......

I've faced the fears of being alone, while fighting the loneliness of this new place. You can feel those pangs in the most populated of places..... I've turned my angst into activity, even doing a "mini work out" with Logan tonight. He remains disciplined and my personal game plan is taking shape.

Chynna returned from reffing, ready to workout herself. Her specific words were "I'm so ready for a fight after reffing", which happens most every weekend, lol:) Parents are unbearable sometimes. She will begin training more regularly at Olive Garden this week, her immediate plans for the future.

I'm glad to say Austin's been able to find work at a local restaurant in the Redondo Marina area! He may even have to sing or dance, during his duties as Host. If all goes well, he'll be in his element:) Plans to begin school in the Fall should proceed, but for now he'll earn some money:)

As we approach another 4th of the month this coming week, my youngest echoed the sentiments of a song playing tonight. "Why am I the one?" Reflecting on events in their young lives he said, "I didn't choose this life..... but this chose me."

A calling we answer.

 

Sights.

Traveled into San Diego County this week for VB with Logan's Redondo Union High School Team. We drove about 1 1/2 hours south of us, traveling near or through places I'd only ever heard of, like Laguna Niguel and San Juan Capistrano. I can hardly believe the sights.....

Chynna even had me driving into Camp Pendleton to find a Dunkin Donuts her map app took her too! She was pretty excited until I reached a young, handsome officer and tried to explain why we were trying to drive through the gates:)

Carlsbad High School was the destination for a quarter final match, on a quest towards a state title. The team had a big win in 3 games, taking us to a rematch with the #1 team in the nation, Huntington Beach Thursday night:)

Traveling in all different areas of the state is giving us a pretty good feel for the landscapes and lifestyles....... it is enlightening.

Goodnight and love to our hometown.

Touch.

After a fun filled weekend, Jordan makes his way back to his home in SF. He spent time between our apartment and Chynna's place, on the beach, playing sports, and hanging out. I took pleasure in cooking a bit more while he was here too:) I think we make each other better......

On this Memorial Day, we remember the wounded, the warriors and those whose sacrifice seems to go unnoticed...... They are living all around us and often feel forgotten because few fully understand, or even try to........ or even care. As long as our "good life" goes untouched, why get involved.

Unless touched or impacted by something significant, the vain and meaningless things of this world take all our attention. There's nothing new under the sun, wise King Solomon said so long ago. Nothing's changed except the choices we make.... the priorities we pursue.

Most everything in our culture has become about self, thus making the sacrifices of a few good men and women, all the more outstanding. This knowledge drives my ambitions.....

As the paths we pursue become even more clear, one thing remains true: this is not about me. This is far more than I could imagine.

"I pray the eyes of your heart be enlightened...." to see beyond oneself and onto another.

Goodnight.

Secure.

In so many ways, we've picked ourselves up after a tragic event that tried to take us down. Being able to spend time together is not only life giving, but absolutely empowering...... I sometimes forget how much because I am so focused on what needs to continue to occur....

So many in our hometown and community are not only friends, but are like family too. You've been close..... and remain connected, our hearts to yours. In this new area we've landed in, we hope the same can happen. I want to make this mine.

I know we're not alone; everyone has things in life that make you fall, or damage your soul, almost beyond repair sometimes.... or so it would seem.
I've spent many months reflecting on who and what makes me feel secure. As a married woman, it was most often my husband; now it is not. I so much wanted to feel secure...... especially with so much happening in my life.

I've spent a lot of time deconstructing what and how I am supposed to live now.... and find that safety and security I really miss. I am finally turning the corner.... mostly because of prayer support and a mental shift I'm making.

My role as a mom has changed.... I am going with that flow. I AM working on myself;making choices of my own. Pushing back limitations..... I went with the kids to the soccer field. Today, Logan, Jordan, and I rented bikes for an hour for a minimal cost and rode the Strand. I feel I am finally changing. Nothing has changed for me except my intentions and actions. I know the rest will follow.

A few months ago, my laptop began giving me problems; I knew it was a security issue. At the same time, I had to close 3 of my credit cards, due to fraud and security issues. I knew God was trying to give me a message.

Jordan's job while here has been to figure out what was wrong, clean up all the "bugs" in the system; I needed more "protection" and "security" for my laptop. I knew I needed help and he was the guy to help. He installed the right software to protect me from stuff that should not get in. A metaphor for my life.......

I am so privileged to be sharing with you, some one on one through messages, and others in a larger venue. I am committed to helping you become "mobile". Mobility is the key. You have to start moving in the right direction........

Chasing Cars by Snow Patrol

— with Logan Gehman at Hermosa Beach Pier.

Oh Gravity.

As the game was ready to begin last night, a young woman held the mic to sing the national anthem in a full house. When the mic cut in and out, the crowd joined together to sing..... and the tone was set for the night. It was an inspiring and positive experience......

There is something very special about the connections established through this sport. Friends new to the game feel it..... and those very familiar with it, know it. Anytime the focus is off of self and the futile life it feeds, the better society is.

Since arriving here, there's been so much good that's happened; but equally so, the negativity has been bombarding. My late husband almost always had a positive word to say, which was kind of annoying:) But this drama and attack on the positive has been ludicrous. I must be part of a test........ but I won't be beat.

I've added a few extra hours to my work schedule while needing to remain part-time at Prudential. I need to find something to supplement my income, so praying for a miracle. Chynna was offered a job today which is awesome news! Her previous job was temporary, so she needed something soon. She has a strong will and the faith to match.

Believing this weekend will shed light on where we're heading and make each of our paths more clear. Feel free to believe for yourself and with us:)

Logan's begun more serious training with a teammate to improve his vertical.
His motto is "when gravity is pulling you down, you need the ability to get right back up." Amen.