Dreamin.

I'm glad to be back........ after spending 5 days in Houston, TX with our VB team. 

I always thought if I had a dream and a destiny, it should come easy. If something is "meant to be", why would I have to "work for it?" I'm not sure where that thought came from other than empty promises made by well meaning people; impressions made upon me as a young person.

As I connected with a West Point graduate on the plane from Houston to LAX, he identified with the work ethic required. Never in my wildest imagination could I conceive of the "suffering and sacrifices" it would take to get here......

After our time in Houston at Junior Olympics Nationals VB Championships, our vision has again expanded, opening up the future for Logan. More details to come. I find it often takes forced change to conform our will to the path of God in life, and to align us with our destiny. There is pain in that process, but there are rewards........

One of the best things was seeing his previous team from the Lehigh Valley in PA; we have lifelong connections there. The hugs were ones in which I didn't want to let go of, and to see Logan's face light up when he saw his former teammates was awesome:) It felt like a piece of home.

I enjoyed Houston, mostly because of team relationships and having Chynna and Austin with me. We had a few free hours and drove to see the Gulf in Galveston. I can now say we've been there. Not quite what I expected.

Rockstar did very well, winning their Flight in the Open Division:) It was a rewarding experience and in the South Bay, there is no dead time. JO's end and decisions are made for the upcoming club season that begins in September. Now, beach training begins.

Leaving Houston, there was green grass, rain, and life. As we hit LA airspace, I could feel the emptiness in the land, much like the dryness in the ground from a lack of "rain." We know we can't look outward for fulfillment, but have to find it within... and upward..... and release what we have into the area. 
Glad to be back blogging.

"Welcome To The Jungle." Jay-Z

Reflection.

It kind of feels like nothing changes when there is no change in seasons. I wonder if this reflects life for some, who have not "weathered" the harsh elements in life that create depth and desires..........

My youngest is reflecting on his time here as we begin to approach the one year point. There are many things to do here, but much of the same because of the consistent weather. In some ways, it'd be easy to go back home. He misses many, many things, such as the land, the privacy, our deck and pond, the ATV's, airsoft wars, and substantial friendships. 
But most of all....... freedom. There is little here; you can't just pick up and do what you feel like doing. So strange......

In lots of ways, there is no going back... for now. We'll cross that bridge as we approach college. Open to most anything and only God knows where he or we will land. Following Houston, he'll be back to beach training, intensively so and find fun in that.

After laundry and packing, he shot airsoft gun at a target just next to me. We played war with cards and he tried on his new ankle brace, which was very amusing. Austin received his first paycheck from Joe's Crab Shack tonight, while I signed up for a Sallie Mae Loan for him.

I imagine it will be difficult for my daughter to say goodbye to her sweet little cousins, and tough for them as well. She's made the most of her time home, treasuring these moments. We all want to be bi-coastal. I want to make it happen...... we will meet up in Houston tomorrow:)

On this last day of June, I officially finished what I'm calling my first book, which I see as a series of "meditations and inspirations." Next is editing and adding content; then onto making contacts. 
The next adventure is what we're moving towards.

"Sky Full of Stars." Coldplay

Comforts.

Another Rockstar practice for Logan and team, while I covered for a coworker at Prudential HB today. One day seems like another when the weather is consistent. I had a few agents seriously thinking it was a Monday, when they came in and saw me:)

Heading to Houston on Tuesday, July 1, and we are excited; great parents and teammates, and a whole new start. Hoping to catch some East Coast friends while there too:) Last summer we were scouting out Southern California at this time.......

As Chynna's time home wraps up, she spent time going through items in storage in our attic. As she prepares donation piles, there are things I can part with and others that can wait. I found myself saying, "I want to take some of my past into my future"..........

Just here with the essentials, no comforts and I guess it's time to buy duct tape after Austin told me his air mattress has a hole in it. He put air in it tonight and found a leak,; he's woken up the past few days to find himself on the floor. I had to laugh.

Jordan finally has a bed of his own, after being in San Fran over a year:) Hoping he's not moving anytime soon..... things you take for granted....

After moving out of our old apt. and being put through a form of purgatory for ten months, I received good news. Our old apt. has rented by July 1! The right opportunity, at the right time came along, and I trusted everything would work.

Even though for two weeks I was baited into one battle after another, I resisted. I am putting this all behind me....... and super excited to do so. Something new is beginning...... Resources will come from a new source I trust. None of this move has been "comforting". We all have felt it.

For a while, my soul searched for comfort and there's a certain level we all need. I provide it for the kids; they give it back to me when needed. However, when there is a calling, there is not always comfort.

Timelessness.

"Beautiful Day"..................... the timeless U2

"The heart is a bloom
Shoots up through the stony ground
There's no room
No space to rent in this town

You're out of luck
And the reason that you had to care
The traffic is stuck
And you're not moving anywhere

You thought you'd found a friend
To take you out of this place
Someone you could lend a hand
In return for grace

It's a beautiful day
Sky falls, you feel like
It's a beautiful day
Don't let it get away

You're on the road
But you've got no destination
You're in the mud
In the maze of her imagination

You love this town
Even if that doesn't ring true
You've been all over
And it's been all over you

It's a beautiful day
Don't let it get away
It's a beautiful day

Touch me
Take me to that other place
Teach me
I know I'm not a hopeless case."

Great day, start to finish. Time for the "rocks" to cry out. Nite.

Cultures.

In my many years of focusing on my family, I found it so difficult to make myself a priority, as many of you can relate too. This summer I have dedicated to putting myself first, in a new and good way. I have a lot to figure out and I now believe, I do have options........

The first thing I usually have to adjust is my perspective; then my mind follows; actions and behavior changes have to be implemented. For practical reasons, I finally wrote down goals and hopes I have, that have always seemed impossible for me.

Today, I chose to put myself first in a small way by signing up for a 9 Week Fitness Class to tone and strengthen my core. I figure I can take $11 from my grocery money each week. Worst case, we'll eat a little less, lol. I have lost over 7 lbs. since coming here, but didn't really have it to lose.

After making health insurance changes and being dissatisfied with the first doctor I settled on out here, I made another change. Today I met a new, young doctor in Manhattan Beach and feels like a very good fit:) Here's to hoping......... I also plan to get my yearly mammogram soon:/

No one is here to tell me to take care of myself, that I need to get these checkups and things done. It's so weird. The kids try, but somehow do not carry the same weight as a spouse. I kind of want someone to tell me I need to do it.

This new doctor is an L.A. native, but went to school in NYC for 8 years. We spoke of the clash of cultures between east and west. The lifestyle can lend itself to laziness in some respects. The east is fast; here it's slow...... except on the freeway:)

I'm learning how to adapt without losing myself. The kids are too. I've been concerned about that, but according to locals, we look like we belong..

Persistence.

Over the course of many years, and particularly as loss hit home hard, I've seen some ugly attributes displayed as a result of frustrated emotions. When operating out of a place of pain, if not careful, human nature needs to find something, or someone, to control.....

Rather than fighting for my "rights", I have chosen to bend until I break, to fall to my knees. I choose to look to the heavens and believe in a Higher Power who takes my matters into His hands....... I would rather allow freedom to find its way......

In the face of many obstacles, it took the persistence of Moses to never give up; to go back to a Pharaoh until he finally granted Moses' request. Moses had superior skill, "outplaying" those in positions of power; it was only a matter of time when the best rose to the top. Because of his actions, a whole nation would find new found freedom.

Logan's ankle is on the mend and he is quickly recovering; he is resilient. He's back on the court, practicing daily with his team for JO's in Houston. The countdown is on. Back, better than ever. There are times to return to the basics..... and it seems he and I are on a parallel path.

The Tough Mudder in Vancouver brought Jordan a challenge he embraced, training and preparing his "mental game" for this feat. I'm hoping he'll share his adventures with you:) Next up, expanding the blog, as I continue to grow my writing ventures.

I find myself in a position of doing whatever needs to be done; in other words, "suck it up and just do it." There's really nothing I can't tackle or haven't faced. There used to be times in my life where I could just say "I don't feel like it", but not anymore. No one else picks up the slack.

Today, I was racking my brain over Austin's college loans, past, present, and future, to figure out what he needs going forward. And of course, there's a deadline of July 15 to have all aid/loans in place. I'm always on a deadline, ha ha. Perhaps that's why I'm such a pusher and persevere:)

Persistence is key. I used to be a quitter; now, I will be a winner.
Goodnight and Grace.

Home.

 I finally got to talk to my daughter, who's in our hometown in PA, for two weeks. She is ever inspiring and appreciative, even more so since leaving our home to pursue our purpose. For each of us, it has brought an even greater focus on what is important in life.

I want those with ears to hear me to know how VERY MUCH we love each of you, those who have followed along with us on this incredible journey. You truly are the reason we are here and able to be ourselves in SoCal, in this incredibly vain society of "superficial personalities." You keep us real.......

To always know we have a "home" to go back to has empowered us to be who we are and effect change, and influence people. Our roots give us the support and stability to come to a place of knowing no one, and feeling broken at times, only to dig in deeper and see further. Her trip home has served to re-energize and reinvigorate........

As we continue to search for what is real as we find the fakes and flakes, we see meaningful relationships are being established. We are spreading our roots, not in the ground, but in the air, in the heavens, where they belong...... that's where our connections are.

In updating my home address today, I discovered my car insurance and renter's insurance policies will increase monthly by a total of $70. You know, I finally thought I had gotten this budget stuff settled. Ugh. I resist the urge to complain.

Moses of the Bible was an ordinary man called to lead an exodus of people into their promise. At various points along the way, they lost sight of why they had left and where they were going. They struggled, leading to contention amongst each other. In times of loss, it's easiest to turn on those you love and have your best interest in mind........... I would know.

They got too tired, life seemed so hard, they wondered when it would get easier. Moses was instructed to "strike a rock" in order to find a resource; sounds insane. His persistence paid off as water came gushing out from an unlikely source. His obedience released this resource......

I'm determined to not be defined by my "struggles" but rather, make them work for me. I am not giving up; neither am I deterred.

Striking my "rock."

Integrity.

I've been through a lot of things in my lifetime which seek to define my family with desolation. Losses of all kinds have touched our lives and with each one, I can feel a piece of me being taken. I can allow my life to be defined by struggles or fight daily to retain my "integrity", meaning the state of being whole." A beautiful thing.....

Daily, compromise comes and challenges integrity because the enemy of my soul knows that if I remain sound, success and prosperity come. As I get it, I will give it away. Be looking for more insight on my blog athttp://www.houseofsecretsblog.com and search Jacob's Well. I am breaking through the boundaries......

I fell into bed every night lately, exhausted in some ways, energized in others. This summer season that I've set aside has been enlightening for me. I am learning to say and do what's best for me..... finally.

Logan has a minor ankle sprain with little swelling, but he's better today. No worries. His club team has struggled the second half of the club season for a few reasons. The things that could break him have served to make him stronger; he is better, faster, stronger than ever before.

In SoCal there are consistent high level skills demonstrated, but it takes a certain something to obtain a win. Mental strength; it is the one thing that can distinguish a player from another. Not everyone has it and it can't be manufactured, just like in life...... it is the element that can produce a win.

Heard from Chynna back East and post Rumble:) What a great weekend! Divine connections made, again bridging the east and west gap, which tells me she needed to be there. I'll share when I can. It is mind blowing. VB is community...... and growing.

Jordan's on his way to SF, leaving beautiful Vancouver behind. He survived his first Tough mudder:) His dad would be impressed, and probably think he could also tackle it himself! He went with guys from his company and the trip expense was all covered, as a health/fitness benefit.

I honestly don't have the money for the kids to travel back home this summer and neither do they, nor to do all that it appears we've done. I do it in faith, if I feel it's the right thing to do and trust my needs will be met. I also keep "giving."

We didn't come west because I had the money in the bank to do it or money from a life insurance payout...... far from it. We came out of obedience and a greater calling.......

If you hear a call, answer it. Do it. You won't regret it. It could be the adventure of a lifetime.

"Screen." Twenty One Pilots

Gleaning.

Reading my daughter's words of wisdom below brings me to tears..... haven't cried in a while. Surprised?  It is true. I realized something today...... I've been afraid to "let go" of home because I don't want to feel loss again.

In reality, my life alone was beginning; I was carving a path, even though I felt like I was spinning my wheels the first 18+ months. There was motion and the movement was necessary, nurturing me to another point in life. Friendships were growing and I was adjusting to new activities......

Instead I embraced a path of purpose, putting everything I say I have faith in, to the test. A friend texted today about how life goes by too quickly; I told him I live everyday with that in mind, not motivated by fear but fueled with the future....... I often wonder if I can do this.

I've shared very personal things with you and I will continue..... what might be revealed in the next few weeks, may be raw emotions.... again. This new apartment has given us a sanctuary of sorts, a place of peace that is offering another opportunity......Good things will come from my "gleaning."

Big 3 day pre-Houston tournament this weekend with Team Rockstar in Anaheim. Lots of Cali teams and others come to play for "points", so we'll get a preview of JO's. Tomorrow Logan plays a team from WI:) Austin's enjoying use of the Toyota while his sister is away:) Got some playing on the beach in today!

Chynna's enjoying rekindling her East Coast connections with a pre-Rumble party tonight:) The giggles of my nieces she texted on video today light up my life; I can't help but smile......

Wondering what establishing roots will look like here.......

Empowered.

I guess moving out of my comfort zone, literally and figuratively, has brought me to this place of evaluating who I am going to be. I know I've said it before, but there are many layers that have been stripped off of me....... and more peeling away.

Had I stayed in the same place, this unveiling would not be happening, at least not in the accelerated way I'm experiencing. As Chynna shared pictures from up to 6 years ago, I am astounded but the kids even more so. I am not the same person. So weird.....

I needed Chynna to give my Ford Escape a jump this morning because it wouldn't start. I made it to work, changed afternoon plans and headed home to meet a AAA technician who came to diagnose my car battery. The highlight of the day was being mistaken for a college student, lol:)

I made a "new friend" in the driver, who later gave me his "real name" and number because he knew we're new to the area. He's married, so no worries:) Thankfully, it was only the battery and nothing more; got a new one and all fixed up again.

Lots of really personal things happening in my heart...... and the "dead battery" is kind of a picture of a new "power" I need to proceed. I've been running on enough to keep me going, but it's time to be fully charged and functional. It turns out, I needed my daughter's help yet again.......

She's flying back East tomorrow and we are super excited for her:) It'll be the longest we've been separated since I arrived here October 1. I know this trip will invigorate her, and she will bring that great energy back to us:)
I hope many of you can say hi to her at the Rumble!

It won't be long now...... goodnight.

Father's Day

Another holiday has passed... this one being a bit tougher than others. I felt a bit cranky this morning and had to choose to focus on the good memories we have of the father to my children...... one young VB coach whose father is no longer living, told Logan "this is his least favorite holiday."

The good grows with the bad; sowing and reaping, timing and turmoils, as spoken of in the Book of Matthew. Lessons and layers were shared in parables; mysteries woven in everyday analogies.... just like in my life.

We didn't speak of my late husband much at all today, but rather focused on other things. There may always feel as if a piece of life is missing..... no matter how much time goes by.

Today we celebrate my dad and the guys in our family who have been great fathers to my nieces and nephews. We miss you all everyday. Your kids are the light of my life.......

Chynna will soon be back on the East Coast and is counting down the days til her flight takes off. Austin's job is going well and today he made a good amount of tips:) We found a $30 bike for Logan to get to the beach with. No grass grows under his feet:)

I find the atmosphere and "environment" around me can affect emotions and experiences. That's part of why I want to continue to create and foster one of inspiration and motivation. I've had the opportunity to share more of myself with others which keeps me dreaming bigger and reaching farther than seems possible.

One coworker recently challenged me on my goals, my two year window while Logan is still in school, and when his SS income will run out. I'm always on a deadline.... my friend said "instead of letting the wind take you wherever it will, set your sails in the direction you want to go."

I can control my destiny...... through direction and determination.

Alterations.

So much has transpired here in less than a week's time, which has become my "norm"; I somehow have an altered sense of time since my "change of life" 2 1/2 years ago. My awareness is heightened, as to life alterations and lost relationships; I don't think I like it.

I sometimes feel my whole sense of time isn't calculated by earthly measurements anymore, but is counted with eternal applications. Kind of like being in fast forward. I don't want to miss out on anything; I'm notalways patient. I assume others want the same, but they may not see what I see.....

It seems in general, the Cali culture places emphasis on "enjoying life" and all things associated with that lifestyle. Generally speaking, many of the stereotypes ring true. Paying a fortune for real estate that is not worth the value placed on it is fascinating. The aspect of "work" is completely different than back East, in our experience.

Having finished his first year at Redondo Union, we're so glad Logan worked hard and finished strong:) Much of his time is accounted for this summer, but he needs to find a job. Probably not landscaping or mowing lawns like back home because those jobs would not go to him......

We have been working furiously, packing and moving, since finding a 2 BR, 2 Bath apartment in Redondo Beach. The favor of the Lord was upon us, as everything came together at a perfect time, location, and owners. This place is a 4 unit, family owned building that we think already feels more like home than our current apt. Now, with God's grace, I deal with my manager in the moving process..... 

I signed a lease for another year on Weds.night and we carried our first load in:) Tomorrow movers come to the few bigger items over. Everything is boxed and ready. This place is closer to the beach for biking, and Logan's school. A local dog park and nursery is nearby. God is good. Thank you for prayers. We couldn't be more ready for another fresh start.

Tonight I spent time in Palos Verdes, at my favorite protected space, where I go to sit in the quiet and listen to what the Lord says to my heart. I have set aside the summer for some personal goals, guidance, and growth. Tis my season.....

Even if the separation from your loved one was expected or totally unplanned, you are left to find out who you are without the light of their love in your life......

"For those living in the land of the shadow of death (darkness)..... a light has dawned."