Magic.

It seems we arrived in Redondo Beach at just the perfect time, as it feels we're riding a wave.......

Tonight the HS Varsity team swept their local rivals, Mira Costa High, in a match of 3 games, which hasn't been done since 1999. Sweet victory:) Logan has such an opportunity, as a sophomore, at such a time and with such a team as this. To see his smiles, laughter, and free spirit being released has been so good......

As I put time and effort into building a coast to coast network through my House of Secrets blog and motivational words, I'm finding more of my purpose in all of this too........ bringing a little bit of "magic" from the east to the west, a common phrase I've been told since 2014 began:)

Chynna's moving along, having found a FT job in her field, and finishing her PT classes twice a week at Cal State Long Beach. Her schedule has really picked up in many ways and remaining in motion is key to finding fortunes. Spiritual motion, above all, is the most effective way to finding "success."

She'll slowly transition into moving into a room of her own in Redondo Beach, near the beach, and mostly out of necessity for now. Plans are for her to have a roommate and move in after the Easter holiday, which could cut my wardrobe by a 1/4... not good. She will begin her own quest for independence......

In this land of individualism, on a quest for greatness, many run this familiar race. Some run in vain, others race for victory; defining moments are determined by a destiny not held in our hands but by One with divine purposes. We just need to cooperate......

In the area we live, in SoCal and surrounding communities, the mentality seems to be less stress is best. I find myself resisting strife as never before; jealousies are intolerable, and reconciliation is a top priority. Knowing who to trust proves difficult in a land of superficiality, but time does tell the pure from profane. We've landed in a "magical" community.

Balancing the board, riding an ongoing wave, and enjoying the "water."

Honey Girl

Routines in life are often gravitated towards when life itself feels out of control, making loss feel a bit easier to bear. Finding something familiar to take solace in only provides temporary comfort.... and then a routine can become a rut you get stuck in. Before you know it, you can't get out.

Even though I have a well of strength to draw from, I have known for a while I have drawn strength from a young woman who has helped me become who I am. She is the perfect combination of everything good God can give to a mother............ she's my baby girl.... daddy's one and only. Chynna Sky.

For the sake of our family and her brothers, she decided to attend a great state university in our hometown in PA. Her ambitions led her to pursue a dual major in Business, in Management and Marketing, completing everything but one class. After summer classes at KU and the Dean's consent to leave town, she is finishing up her final marketing class at Cal State Long Beach..... a dream of hers.

From the time she started playing VB in 7th grade and up until age 16, she regularly spoke of her dream of moving to California.... one that seemed impossible. Before the accident that took her dad from us, I joked that I would move with her and help support her in whatever way I could, especially after she would have a family. Little did I realize the foresight spoken in a simple phrase......

She was the driving force that pushed me out of any routines or rituals I could have easily settled into.... and challenged me to pursue a fantastic future that potentially awaits me, in my second chance at life.

After much hard work and countless hours of studying and application, she is set to graduate from Kutztown University mid May:) While it would have been so easy for the lives of my kids to derail after the death, they remained on track, having been to hell and back.......

Today we received a letter from the Dean of the College of Business congratulating her for receiving the Outstanding Achievement in Marketing Award.. I cannot even begin to share what a validation this is.

Not only would her dad be so proud of his "honey girl", but I am amazed at who this beautiful, brown eyed girl is becoming.

Each one has grown up so fast and I face many things for the first time..... alone. But "I will not fear, for God is with me." He has brought me through some of the worst life can throw at a person... and we are making it. You can make it too. Don't give up...... ever.

Goodnight from SoCal.

Trust Issues

I typically am willing to place a certain level of trust in a person, unless and until the trust is broken. Learning the lessons and walking those lines can be a tough place to be, especially in a new area...... and season in life. I am encountering issues I have never dealt with before.

In my circumstances, my age, and place in life, it's very weird, figuring out what I want, when I want it, and what "it" even looks like at this point. No one really expects to be in this situation, even though divorce is common and separation seems normal in our time.

When I think I know what I personally want, things seem to become complicated. I'm getting more advice from my kids than I ever thought I would be, on behavior, relationships, and resolutions, kind of like I don't know anything, lol:)

Logan's journey to HI begins this week with the Varsity VB team from Redondo Unified, who are traveling to the big tournament on Oahu:) Again, thanks to our dear friend who is investing in his future.....

Enjoyed time with a new friend, who showed me around PV a bit. I walked down to a cove by the ocean, where the rocks meet the water. I saw what I thought was a seal swimming, but turned out to be an Irish Setter:D Blond moment.

After providing the DMV with several documents in order to get my CA driver's license, but to no avail, I finally got to the bottom of the matter: I need to produce my original marriage certificate from 23 years ago, further proof of my identity, confirming maiden and married names.

You can imagine my surprise..... after a death and 20+ years later. And of course, I'm on a deadline now because of insurance. Needless to say, a courthouse in PA is sending me a certified copy. It will all work out.

Trust is a delicate thing and should be treated as a treasure.

Unlimited

After describing my week filled with pressure and paperwork to a friend, he said it's been a "tough couple of days for you." That's when I realized again I think I've lost my ability to gauge what is difficult and what is doable. It's almost as if I don't see a hurdle that can't be overcome......

Of course all the changes stem back to the death of my husband; had he not passed, we would not be in this place. I always thought it would be neat to live in another location for a while, but I never thought this was possible.

Fun alumni VB game last night at Redondo Union High, where our Varsity team played past players. Two time, gold winning, Olymbic Beach Player and Redondo alumni Sean Rosenthal was introduced! No opportunity for pictures with him but next time, I'll make a move:)

Logan was introduced to "Rosie" at Hermosa Beach while playing today which was so thrilling. He asked to borrow Logan's towel and I said we will never wash it again:) He wished Logan and the team well in HI, and said "good luck bud." Very cool.

Jordan packed his "moving kit" and is quite efficient at it and is now planted in the Mission District for 3 weeks. Temporary stay while he continues to apartment search. He's in a good place in many ways:) Chynna has a new job starting soon......

On this forever special day, we remember my "special" nephew Skyler Chase who we lost one year ago today..... We are forever changed by the presence of this young man with special needs, because he was so much more than the limitations he faced in life. We know he has no limitations..... Happy Skyler Day.....

No limits other than the ones I place on myself. Anything is possible.

April Alignment

April is a month for alignment as ventures on various fronts begin to come together. Tomorrow is another 4th of the month for us and it's a double one this year.

Ever since that day, I am always in motion, which is a key piece in my journey to wholeness. To me, motion refers to terms of hope, purpose, and a future, not busyness and chaos with no meaning. Since coming here and digging my heels in to do this, it seems a whole new world is opening up to me......

In the past, I was busy but in many ways, going in circles and didn't seem to get any further. Those times were not a waste but developed this wanting inside of me...... I knew something better lie ahead. I just didn't expect the path to include the parts I've come through.

Just like those who are mentioned in Hebrews 11 of the Bible, countless men and women picked up and answered some kind of call and compelling force to go big or go home. A mission.

On the eve of the 4.4, Logan plays the song, "Where We Belong," the one so perfect and meaningful, and the one we chose for the memorial service. Switchfoot had just released a new album and the lyrics were perfect; the sentiments heartfelt and our own. It seemed to be written just for us.......

For the first two years I couldn't listen to the song..... I now choose to because it reminds me of hope... the hope we resonated that evening. We want to see a "generation waking up inside...." and still do. This will happen if we have anything to say about it.

Even though I have setbacks and did so today, I'm not giving up.
From coast to coast..... goodnight.

Exponentially

2014 is proving quite revealing thus far, as authenticity stands out from the arrogance saturating a culture. Humility is empowering.......

I am blessed to have a few in my life who support us when needed and and connect with my vision unfolding. I think I am becoming more comfortable (or desperate) in accepting help I am offered when needed. To be here and do this, support and endorsements are necessary.

It was never a matter of my pride preventing my acceptance of "help" offered, but more the motives behind the "offers." A gift is not free when given with strings attached, obligations and expectations... .... and too high of a price to pay. I will not sell my soul.

There will always be some sort of sacrifice, in every aspect of life, as it was since the beginning of time. My late husband's sacrifice in life is helping to provide for our future existence, one we thought he would be part of. I really wish he'd still be here..... but I know he's watching.

My search for new health insurance coverage is pressuring me and comes at the worst possible time ever, but coverage will drop soon because of our relocation process. I also plan to attempt my driver's license asap, to obtain residency. Another "test" to pass.....

Getting a new auto insurance policy in order to cover the two boys and renter's insurance in place, sooner than I had hoped. I could never do this without the kindness of others. Every time I have spoken to a friendly rep from Cali companies, I'm told "welcome to California" and each wishes me well.

Good news coming from Chynna's court as she's got a full time job lined up for the near future, close by, and in her field of study:) Several small openings have also come her way as a chance to earn an income which we are very thankful for:)

The thing we search for after loss is stability. When everything you've ever known is taken away suddenly, it takes a while to find your footing. For some, it takes longer than others, and some never, ever find it again.
I chose to create as stable of a situation I could, in spite of being scared stiff for financial reasons.

Either my faith is growing exponentially or I'm becoming even more naive as I mature:) It's a time to remain in motion because "for every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction."

Finding Fortunes.

As I reflect on my life, I realize my path has been paved by many tears, hard work, and pressures along the way. Each experience has served a purpose, because I use the pain to my own advantage.......

I have been in a constant state of transition for 2+ years, as it has been a season of starting over for me....... something that still leaves me speechless.

I am so very grateful for the friendships and support I've had and have been finding. I could never do this alone. Today I was told by a new friend I would least expect that "many are glad I'm here," my whole day brightened. These were the exact words I needed to hear.

As I continue to take strategic risks here and back home, the launching of my blog House of Secrets will now be host for our transition to our new name for the Memory Page. We have outgrown the FB space and in order to open this group again, I will be writing under the heading:

"Finding Fortunes"

And I will be expounding on the "secrets" and reasons I chose this title:)
I am also expanding into new territory and using my blog to do so. I am establishing what I am calling a coast to coast prayer network, in a strategic effort to reach the younger generations with a message of hope and a future.

They DO have something to live for.... a purpose under heaven to find and fulfill, and I HAVE to do something.

So, I am choosing to use our loss for this greater purpose and with this in mind, I am launching "Jacob's Well" as our coast to coast connection. More details to follow........

April is bringing a vision for our mission. Join us. Goodnight and Love.

Vision.

Whether on the East or West coast, there are core elements found in cultures. No matter what direction we come from, the potential to share common experiences is a beautiful thing that brings hope and healing.

While I continue to help those closest develop a path and plan for the future, I find grief to be an underlying element that eventually surfaces. It remains in the shadows, hoping not to be found, wreaking havoc in subtle ways and preventing delays in life. The emotions associated with loss haunt and keep healing from coming. Before you know it, you stop "moving"........

The direction our lives take is up to us.... for now, up to me, until each one does the necessary work to heal. It hits home when I remember my kids do not have their dad to find comfort, support, and strength in. The security and hugs my daughter enjoyed from her dad are no longer available. If I'm not attentive, as a parent, my children can look elsewhere for attention. In many ways, I don't move on, until they do......

I am acquainted with grief and the feelings that come along with it, so I am able to identify the effects of loss, young or old, and the aimlessness it brings. There is often no one to lead one through because most have not been this way before......

But everyday now holds some new secret for me to keep or share, whether mundane or mysterious...... and I curiously anticipate each day.

The Hermosa Beach Community Center displays a verse I live by that says, "where there is no vision, people perish." You must always be willing to see life, and loss, in new ways......

So on days when I fall down, I make myself get back up again and keep working towards our necessities and our dreams.
Goodnight from the Beach Cities.

Mission.

The month of March is coming to an end, marking my six month stay in the South Bay. April is quickly on its way, with my sights set on an unfolding vision...... It seems we are on a MISSION.

My search for housing options will begin shortly, so planning to look for the coming future. Switching health insurance is almost complete which was a bit daunting initially. As one thing comes to an end, there is another insurance policy coverage to work through. I hate it.

The changes came as a result of my husband's death but now an outcome of my relocation process. Even if I'm here for an undisclosed length of time, certain steps much be taken. I'm deciding rather than to see things as one big overwhelming load, I am taking a piece at a time, and when I can handle it.

The plan for my sister's family to move in and enjoy my house and community has been in place for 8 months. Their home in Bowmansville outside of Lancaster County has recently sold in the last week which is part of their process in moving forward from grief. I love it when a plan comes together:)

As I prayed today asking God to continue to "fund" my ability to be here, I looked up and noticed the license plate ahead of me. It said JUDEAH which is a form of the name Judah and means Praise. It was confirmed to me that my praise of the God in heaven, in spite of my circumstances, is the way my "economy" will change......

Two days ago after making the same request of the Lord, we sold a few tools of my late husband's, totaling a few hundred dollars. With bills due and needs to meet, I find as I make my specific request, I am somehow always blessed. Jordan's cavalier was sold today as well, all in time for his new move into the MISSION DISTRICT.

Chynna completed two big days of reffing in L.A., while Logan and partner Lucas played their first CBVA game. Very windy day at the beach which dictates the plays of the game, but was a great learning experience. We think of the many years playing grass doubles back east, in all kinds of elements. The elements prepare you for anything...............

"Fear doesn't shut you down...... it wakes you up." (Divergent)

Shifting.

So... I experienced MY first earthquake last night, a 5.3 from what I've heard. I was on the sofa when the shaking began, Austin laying on our bed. It was a weird shifting feeling that lasted a few seconds. The kids and I touched based immediately after to make sure each was okay. New experiences.

The fear felt after loss can be completely consuming.... the loss of a loved one, mobility, loss of income, a love, or personal freedom. Any and all provide the excuse we look for to remain content and comfortable, or at the minimum depressed. I have chosen to do the opposite which has facilitated an ability to overcome........

I'm spending a lot of time on the road these days driving, more than ever before if that was possible! Today was a "normal" Saturday for me spent cleaning our little apartment and running Logan to and fro. Practice for beach tourney tomorrow. Looks like a move is in our future as we plan to change apartments when the lease is up:/

I can't hold onto anything too tightly; home is where my heart is and who I love spending time with. With that in mind I'm mentally preparing for the housing change this summer. Chynna would like to move out on her own so a lot of pieces have to come together.

Tonight I reminded my son that he can talk to me about anything, even if uncomfortable, I realized afresh this week that his dad isn't here to do the guy talks like most kids have available. I never want Logan to feel slighted in that way, but it is part of loss.

Jordan got his first passport ever which was pretty exciting to me:) Who knows how far he will go.......... He found a room in the Mission District of SF for the month of April, and then we'll see where he lands.

Another day in so called paradise.......

Heroes.

"I’m just a believer, That things will get better
Some can take it or leave it, But I don’t wanna let it go"
Believer by American Authors

I've come to realize this is really my anthem at this point in my life and very much so. It seems that loss has accelerated a belief that I have never, ever attained before. Yes, fear and frenzy assaults my soul but at my core, in my gut, I know what the future can hold.....

I left a 5 BR, hand built home by my late husband, in the southeastern portion of Pennsylvania for this belief. My home and land compares to the size of a park here in southern Cal. where prices are exorbitant for the quality and quantity of the purchase made. My curiosity is peaked; I'm going to do some digging.

When I spend time in the gym, on the court or the sand watching the kids, my commitment is reaffirmed. Logan's first beach match to get rated with the CBVA is this weekend. Just as with grass doubles, you get rated in beach and move up the ranks. The highest is the AVP tour.

Austin's placement tests went very well today with more to finish next week for community college. His start date is mid May; details to work out with public transport and timing; thankfully, Chynna is able to help facilitate the plans. She continues to plan a future beyond college classes. She's reffing Qualifier matches for girls at the L.A. Convention Center this weekend.

Jordan found a room to sublet in the Mission District in SF for the month of April. I need to buy a place there and rent a few rooms out:) He continues to excel in his work and trust God to direct his paths.

I am giving myself a deadline to finish my first book, or at least have ready to edit:) My current position at Prudential CA is perfect. So many ideas have been coming to me since coming here which is what I had hoped for. My House of Secrets blog will be expanding to incorporate very important issues facing our youth. I will be sharing this shortly. Please continue to pray for me.......

Heroes of the faith...... "were all people still living by faith when they died. They did not receive the things promised; they only saw them and welcomed them from a distance..... people such as this show they are looking for a country (home) of their own. If they had been thinking of the country (home) they had left, they would have had opportunity to return.

Instead, they were longing for a better country (land and promises) a heavenly one, of eternal value. God has prepared a city for them." The Faith Chapter

I can relate. Goodnight.

The Call.

Communicating emotions and ripples loss reaches and how it touches a life is challenging. Confusion wants to rest where clarity waits to reveal its purpose.

After death, I knew immediately my call as a woman, a young widow, was now to listen for the sound I heard from the heavens that night. The gift that sounds like sorrows....is also a place where magic is released in those moments.

My ear has been trained to hear.......

In the days following his death, it became clear that a call to our community was on the rise. The day of "burial" would create a life of new beginnings.... It is the time and season to make those declarations.

"I can see the time drippin' down the clock,, We've been trying to hear that ancient refrain
It's the one that knows just when our heads are down, And reminds us of the place from where we came

"Daddy daddy daddy, all my life, I've been trying to find my place in this world"
"I got all night to listen to the heart of a girl"

What happened here, what is this world? It's too far from the heart of a girl
A ripple in the water, From the drop of a pearl, I'm on the shore waitin'
For the heart of a girl

Deep in the night, I feel the presence, Of something that was long ago told to me,
There is a hand, guiding the river, The river to wide open sea
And deep in my heart, in any game,, On any mountain, no I'm not afraid

Standing on stone, you stand beside me, And honour the plans that were made"' The Killers...

The Heart of A Girl.